Morning Routine

The Today Show is my barometer for what occupies the hearts and minds of mainstream America. Every morning I wake up at 6:45 and tune the television machine to NBC because I know that as soon as I get out of the shower Ann Curry will be mesmerizing me with her exotic beauty, Meredith Viera will be over-compensating for her lack of news credentials, Matt Lauer will be staring at Meredith's chubby legs, and Al Roker will be mincing about pretending not to be gay. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a creature of habit. I love my routines. I get physically ill when I find David Gregory filling in for Matt Lauer (partly because I can't stand the sight of David Gregory's face and hair). While the news stories are stupid and the interviews are bland, I take comfort simply knowing that I am doing what everyone else is doing. I may not get excited about the political candidacies of whats-his-name and the other guy, and I'm not going to lose my mind over the latest gas price report, but the undeserved hype gives me the strength to pull my pants up and comb my hair.

Out of Punishment Ideas?

I will spank your butt
I will turn this car around
You can't watch TV for a week
You aren't going to summer camp
I will hide your ipod
You're grounded
You have to do chores for Grandma on Saturday
No more Myspace
No more Facebook
No more Video Games
No more Miley Cyrus
No more Hannah Montana
No more Desserts
No more food
No more water

Family Crap Center

"Here're your tokens" he grunted, tossing the little ziplock bag full of coins onto the counter. His face wasn't speckled with acne like the others, but his head was still in the awkward stage of maturity so that it didn't quite match up with the rest of his body- like some sort of teenage bobblehead doll. He seemed very unpleasant. I'm 99% sure the source of his discontent was the fact that he had a summer job.

There I was, trying to enjoy my company function, and this little pissant had to go and spoil things for me by having a bad attitude. "Enthusiasm is contagious, you know." I told him, as I picked up my coins.

"What?"

"Nevermind." And I walked away, determined not to let this experience ruin the rest of my day. Feeling masculine I made my way to the batting cages. I figured I would put on a show for my female coworkers. Instead I ended up hurting my hand and sweating more than I had budgeted for. The real winner at the batting cages was the girl who cranked some softballs while wearing high-heeled sandals.

Associated Genders of Products/Animals

Beer is Masculine, Wine is feminine. Cats are girly, dogs are manly.

Feel free to add more.

hardy har har

They say that laughter is the best medicine. I tend to agree, which explains why my pediatrician was Dave Coulier. I stayed home from school a lot.

Dark Knight Disappointed

Jingle Bells, the new Batman smells. Hollywood laid an egg. The Batmobile lost two wheels (turned into a motorcycle), and the Joker actually did get away (then got caught later).


And I'm out ten bucks.

Lunch with Andy - Results Show

Andy showed up late, as usual. He was wearing capris for men and a rugby shirt circa 1992. At first I was a little miffed by him sitting on the same side of the table as me, but I quickly adjusted to it after realizing that the restaurant only had one menu for us to share.

I ordered a diet coke and Andy only drank water. I have this weird little habit of dipping my finger into my diet soda and rubbing my fingers together to see if its sticky (i.e. regular coke). I have a sneaking suspicion that someone somewhere is trying to make me fat.

Andy had his heart set on nachos. I was on a burrito streak that started in April and didn't feel like breaking it. I ordered a burrito. You can tell a lot about a Mexican food establishment by sampling their salsa. La Fonda met my expectations.

As for my pre-lunch predictions, the following came true:

1) I ate too many chips & salsa, spoiling my appetite

Sorry to disappoint you.

Lunch with Andy

In about 90 minutes I will be going to La Fonda (mexican) to have lunch with my Utah friend Andy Godsey. I thought it would be funny to make some predictions beforehand and then report back afterwards to confirm (or disconfirm) my premonitions. Let's do this in list form:

1) I will spill something on my nice light colored polo shirt
2) Andy will break down in tears because he doesn't want to get married next September
3) Lindsay (Andy's fiance) will call every 5 minutes to make sure Andy isn't doing drugs
4) I will eat too many chips and salsa and spoil my appetite
5) Andy will look at porn on his iPhone
6) Greg Weber will show up and throw something at me (miggs?)
7) Andy will offer to pay for lunch since he owes me for the jailtime I did for not turning him in
8) Everyone in the restaurant will break out into a song/dance number like in the movies

Stay tuned and find out if any of this comes true...

What Smells?

Oh, its the Red Bull you're drinking. It smells like stomach acid. You are a disgusting human being.

My Favorite Food

Ingredients:

Tomato
Onion
Cilantro
Jalepeno Peppers
Lemon
Salt
Pepper
Grilled Chicken
Shredded Monterrey Jack and Cheddar Cheese
Tortilla Chips
Refried Beans

Melt cheese onto the chips. Put the rest of ingredients into a food processor and process into a fine paste. Pour messy paste over the chips and eat with a fork (or your hands). Bon Appetit.

Ad Script

"How was your blind date?"

"She was interesting."

"She was into wrestling?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Did you make future plans?"

"Not exactly. I got up to go to the bathroom and never went back."

"Wow. That bad, huh?"

"Yes, my diarrhea was that bad."

IMODIUM AD- when Nature Calls, let the machine get it.

Extra Poor Sports Night

Last night I flipped on ESPN briefly and was horrified to see Justin Timberlake doing some sort of dance with a Kevin Garnett puppet. Apparently I was watching the ESPY awards.

I consider myself to be a sports fan, but I guess I draw the line at pathetic, sports-themed, scripted comedy. Call me old fashioned, but I would rather watch a football game than see a dance number honoring Brett Favre.

Maybe the collective marketing genius has determined that all of this pageantry is necessary to appeal to women... but naahhh... women aren't THAT stupid. Could it be a half-hearted effort to maintain viewership during the Summer, in which the only sports related activities are golf, baseball, and professional misconduct (gasp)?

Whatever it is I am disgusted, and I want Stuart Scott to be punished (death?) for my minor TV inconvenience.

I admit it

I am the Captain Stubbing of the Awkward Love Boat

Father Figure

I remember my most recent violent experience with discipline... It was a warm, sunny day and I had just finished lunch. I had the Spicy Salmon at 1st Ave Bento. In my haste I had left my foodbox on one of the tables in the lunchroom. Unbeknownst to me I had awakened the wrath of my violent father figure.... Greg Weber.

Long story short, he threw my waste right in my face in my cubicle... splattering soy sauce and tears all over. I still have nightmares.

I will cut your nuts off

The funniest story ever told

Guy 1: "I don't know, man... I don't know what it is about me, but I think that gay guys always hit on me at parties"

Guy 2: "What are you talking about?"

Guy 1: "Well, last night this dude comes up and starts asking me about music- specifically if I liked Pearl Jam. It just seemed weird, you know?"

Guy 3: "Wait, how do you know he was gay? Liking music doesn't make you gay."

Guy 1: "I just got a feeling from the whole thing. Besides, I think this has happened other times, at other parties. Do I look gay?"

Guy 3: "uh- nah, too easy. Honestly, I'm not really sure. My gaydar is terrible. I just assume that everyone is gay."

Guy 2: "Who was it? Do you remember his name?"

Guy 1: "No, I don't remember his name... but he was that guy wearing the T Shirt with the picture of the Hamburgular on it."

Guy 2: "Of course he's gay!!!! The Hamburgular steals the meat and hides it in the buns!!"

Guy 1, Guy 2, and Guy 3 all laughed until Guy 3's hernia burst and they had to drive him to the hospital. Guy 2 and Guy 3 later recorded a short but hilarious answering machine song message about this event. Guy 1 still wonders if people think he's gay.

Topics for discussion

Where do they find the British spare for each of the Judgment-Style Reality shows?

I think Tina Turner, Bette Midler, and Cher are sexy.

Whats more campy, the Batman movies with Val Kilmer and George Clooney, or the original Batman TV show?

I am all that is man

Mens room

The salt-and-pepper-haired older gentleman walked into the restroom with his younger, professionally goateed Apprentice.

"Would you like me to make you some lemonade?" Asked the Apprentice. "I make it extra salty..."

"Exsqueeze me?"

"Exactly....Exsqueeze me? EXACTLY"

The sound of running water finally ceased and the handicapped-accessible door mechanically wound itself closed. I slowly stepped off the toilet seat and peaked out the stall door. No one. I safely made my way back to my cubicle.

SICK

Life Imitates Art

4th of July

Like most good Americans I spent Independence Day eating and drinking stuff. I took time to reflect on my own independence- i.e. celebrating the fact that I don't need my mom to drive me around anymore.

Feeling unusually patriotic I decided to settle down and watch a movie. By some inexplicable miracle the Gods steered me towards the new Rambo movie. Now, I won't say it was the best movie I've ever seen, but I won't say it wasn't the best movie I've ever seen.

Too Cool for Mule

This girl is going to s*** a brick when her friends tell her its a donkey, not a pony. Happy Birthday!

Movie Ideas

DOUBLE STANDARD: It's a crime drama comedy. A craahmedy. Ricki and Jake Standard are tough-talking law-enforcing brothers who re-unite after their father's death to bring his murderer to justice. Did I mention that they are huge hypocrites?

FRIENDS- THE MOVIE: Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are all back together, only this time its on the big screen. Phoebe is having a destination wedding in Malaysia and everyone is making the trip to witness her nuptials. Drama ensues as Monica and Rachel quarrel over who gets to be Maid of Honor. Ross struggles to make it to the wedding after being mistakenly arrested for vandalism, and the airlines lose Chandler's luggage. Will Phoebe say "I do"? Will Ross make it in time for the wedding? How many local Malaysian girls will Joey score with? (I guarantee this movie would make a billion dollars on its opening weekend)

BABY MAMA: A successful business woman is running out of time and out of luck when it comes to marriage and family. She seeks out a young, wacky pregnant girl who wants to give up her baby for adop... Oh crap, its already been made.

I ruined his joke...

My favorite work friend approached me in his usually creepy way yesterday and with a doodoo-eating grin on his face and one hand down his pants he tried to tell me a joke.

"What's the leading cause of pedophilia?" He asked.

"Well, I personally believe that most pedophiles were abused as children and the psychology of someone who is abused is such that they are compelled to continue the cycle of violence and abuse towards others. Somehow this alleviates the horror of their own experiences that they deal with on a day-to-day basis."

His grin turned into a look of confusion. "Well, actually the leading cause of pedophilia is Sexy Children."

"Interestingly enough, that is a valid point." I responded. "There seems to have been a recent trend over the years to sexualize our nations children. If you take a look at a typical children's show these days you'll see thirteen and fourteen year old girls dressing like professional sex workers. Kids watch these shows and then young girls feel compelled to try and look sexy when that should be the farthest thing from their mind...at least until they reach high school."

"You ruined my joke!" He said, and stormed off in tears.

Party in my pants

"How old do you think I am" she asked.

"I would venture to guess 25..."

"Aww how sweet"

"I aimed low. I always aim low."

"Well at least you aim"

"I aim to please"

"Well, so far you've missed"

"Ohh snap"

I want to punch you

I want to punch you right in the face. Punch your lights out.