Sexual Identity Theft

Week 1

Michelle: Uh. Have I told you how awesome you are? I mean it.

Kevin: I appreciate the fact that you think I'm awesome, I really do. I'm beginning to lose faith. Sometimes I wish I had Male-pattern-baldness... Are you watching Monday Night Football tonight?

Michelle: Uh, no. I hate football. Why?

Kevin: How can you hate football?

Michelle: I hate football for many reasons, but the top 3 are as follows: (1) Its dumb (2) Texas is way to obsessed with it (3) I don't like it.

Kevin: The reason I asked is that I was going to get you a Christmas present with an NFL theme, but now I guess I'll have to think of something else. I always employ "feeler" questions before I make any major decisions...

Michelle: Great way to approach things. I can appreciate that. I would rather just get "felt up". Are you inviting me over to watch it?

Kevin: No. I'll agree with you that sexual horseplay is better than Monday Night Football. However, football is rad, despite the fact that Texas is obsessed with it. And yes, you caught me, I was actually toying with the notion of inviting you over to watch the game. ...Packers vs. Rams... two teams with sexually suggestive names. It will be glorious!

Michelle: I’ll pass.

Kevin: Very well. Enjoy your hot bath and romance novel.

Michelle: Yes, I will take a hot bath and there will be a romance novel involved, but not reading; rather, reenacting- on live web cam. Oh, too bad your eyes will be focused on huge, ugly men in tights.

Kevin: My eyes will be focusing on naked ladies as I stuff money into their panties... would you rather join me there?

Michelle: Will there be sex in the champagne room? If so, yes.

Kevin: Sorry, I can't afford the champagne room.

Michelle: No champagne room, no boomshakalaka.

Kevin: Then I guess the only boomshakalaka you'll be getting is from your mochalakachakatata… lady marmalade.



Week 2

Kevin: What do you usually wear to work?

Michelle: Skirts. Pants. Button down shirts. Sweaters. Cardigans. Dress suits. Pant suits. Oh, and the shoes. The shoes are wonderful.

Kevin: I'd like to see you in your finest pant-suit... But first I would like to just see you... naked.

Michelle: You move fast.

Kevin: That's because the authorities are after me. Do you have roommates?

Michelle: Yes, I have three roommates. One is moving out in a week. She just finished her Masters. Now we have a room available for you. How perfect.

Kevin: What did she get her Masters in? Massage Therapy?

Michelle: No, she failed out of that program. Art History.

Kevin: Would you say that you're the Queen Bee of your household?

Michelle: Nope, not the queen. I would say it’s the owner of the house. She’s a power trip attorney.

Kevin: Does she wear short skirts like in Ally McBeal? I imagine living together you often see each other naked... How do you all handle those situations?

Michelle: We don't live in dorms. I have not seen any of my roommates naked.

Kevin: Hmmm... I appreciate the honesty, but I kind of expected you to go along with the whole thing. You must be under a lot of stress right now.


Week 3

Michelle: Uh... do you ever get turned on at work?

Kevin: All the time.

Michelle: What do you do about it?

Kevin: I take reverse Viagra.

Michelle: What is that...like a fat chick in a pink prom dress with pie on her face?

Kevin: Yes… in pill form.


Week 4

Michelle: What was the most romantic moment you've ever had?

Kevin: The most romantic moment I ever had? hmmm... Romantic? Jeez... That implies that I had feelings for someone that went beyond pure sexual lust. I'm going to have to get back to you on that one...

Michelle: Where was Happy Hour?

Kevin: Jakes on McKinney.

Michelle: How was Jakes on McKinney? I couldn't come.

Kevin: Oh really? I thought you were there. I must have mistaken the Golden Tee video game console for you. Jakes was fine. They had $3 you-call-its. They make a HORRIBLE gin & tonic. However, they make a great top shelf margarita. What was your most romantic moment?

Michelle: Um, not most romantic, but a romantic moment was during Henley on Thames when my ex, ex, ex blew me a kiss from the podium after they won gold.

Kevin: Wow, I'm impressed. I met Bea Arthur once.

Michelle: Not THE Bea Arthur? Is she as hot in real life?

Kevin: Yes.


Week 5

Michelle: I hope I never reach the top of the corporate ladder so these emails can never haunt me.

Kevin: I don't think you ever will, unless you sleep your way to the top. And if that's your angle, then you're wasting your time on me. I'm in no position to further your career. All I can do is get your rocks off... (sort-of). What are you doing?

Michelle: About to go to lunch. Sake time! What did you do this weekend? I was downtown, but didn't see you.

Kevin: I was volunteering at the homeless shelter. I figured our paths would cross there. I was hoping we could catch up while you took a shower and ate a hot meal.

Michelle: I’ve switched shelters. I thought I told you that.

Week 6

Kevin: I wonder what, exactly, you're getting out of our relationship... I imagine you recently saw some movie where there was an edgy female character of some sort and you wanted to see if you could be similar, but you were too scared to try it out at work so you cultured it into an alter-ego with me.

Michelle: I am so deeply offended. I get lots out of our relationship. I've learned what not to wear, how to make a mean squash casserole, better kissing techniques, and most importantly, patience- a virtue which allows us to get along with almost anyone. I did go through a Jeannine Garofalo attitude phase, but it didn’t last. Thanks.


Final Week

Kevin: So anyway... I've been listening to the Beach Boys Christmas Album. It's really good.

Michelle: How good? Sex in the rain good? Or the satisfaction of picking your nose after refraining from wanting to do so for the longest time cause you thought it was uncouth to do in public but then when you got in your car, just dug right in good?

Kevin: Are you watching Monday Night Football Tonight?

Michelle: You're asking ME if I'm watching football??? May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.

Kevin: Good Lord, Touchy, Touchy... I was just kidding Jeez. You slipped back into that Jeanene Garafolo attitude again... I was going to invite you over. Want to join me?

Michelle: Not for football. Thanks.