Advice for new money

If you're anything like me then you're not a rich man (or woman, or some sort of unholy combination of genders). But the beauty of living in a capitalistic society is that anyone can become stinking rich despite their upbringing, education level, or lack of desired physical features. Easy money comes from a variety of sources, including (but not limited to) State Lotteries, Lawsuits, Real Estate and of course Living on top of an oil reserve. If you're lucky enough to stumble into a large sum of unearned cash you may think that your troubles are over. The truth is, you have to learn to be rich.

Unless you win the Lottery or an unusually publicized settlement from a major corporation, odds are that no one will know that you're rich. Most rich folk advertise their wealth with purchases of lake houses, fancy cars, and anything made of Alpaca. You, however, need to fast-track yourself to the ranks of the well-to-do, and that is why I suggest you buy some billboard space and take out a full page ad in USA today. I'm thinking of something along the lines of you in a tuxedo (or evening gown, possibly with a tiara, I don't know) clutching some cash and giving a thumbs up. Possible headlines could read "I'm rich now" or "More Money than God" or even the slightly offensive "Up yours!".

Poor people are usually ugly. Well, actually, people are usually ugly (just going with the statistics here). Assuming you're ugly you might want to change that now, since you can afford it. Face lifts, tummy tucks, anal bleaching, whatever it takes. You're rich now, you want people to like you for your looks, not for your money.

Most uneducated, worthless people who fall into money lose it because they think they have an unlimited supply. This goes without saying, obviously, because those who cannot comprehend numbers beyond one thousand will reason that a few million is infinity. I highly recommend getting a financial manager. Keep in mind that you can't trust just any 'ole licensed, bonded financial manager with your millions of smackers. You need someone you can trust- someone you've known for a while. How about your stepfather?

There are two types of wealthy- Greedy and Lazy. You've never been greedy (thank God) so you're satisfied with simply having an infinite supply of money. You quit your job and you sleep 10 hours a day, which is a good start, but remember that there are 24 hours in a day. 24 minus 10 is, ummm, 14, and if you subtract time spent eating and drinking that leaves about, ohhh I'd say 5 hours with nothing to do. Why not spend some money on Jet Skis? While you're thinking about that I will write out a shopping list for your consideration:

1. Ski Boat
2. Hot Tub
3. Expensive Dogs. English Bulldogs are a good choice, as they are often born via C-Section ($$$)
4. Everything in SkyMall
5. Guns
   
6. Your very own Costco Store

The law is often an afterthought for obscenely wealthy humans. It stands to reason that with enough money you should be able to get away with anything. Examples of moneyed persons skirting common justice are plentiful, but buying your freedom is not a given. The best thing you can do is remain lawful. If you feel the need, the need for speed, then at least make sure you haven't been drinking, and possibly send your lawyer a text message before you get behind the wheel. This way your bail will have been posted by the time you are taken to the station. You'd be amazed at how much time simple planning can save you.

Surprisingly, the insanely rich often succumb to the lure of gambling. All of the pretty lights in Las Vegas can turn your piles of gold into multiple sub-prime mortgages. Why not set up your own casino? If you gamble against yourself you can't lose!

One final thought- Be creative. Everyone loves an eccentric rich person.