How bad do you want it?

I watched the Today show last week for the first time in 7 years and I realized that presidential elections are only 10 months away. We're knee deep in primaries and the race is really getting hot. I decided to gear up by watching some debates. I found most of it interesting, despite the fact that I barely understand English. I decided to post some excerpts that I found particularly interesting.

CNN: Governor Romney, can you explain to us what your Mormon faith means to you?
Gov. Romney: It means that I can't watch R-rated movies and I can't drink coffee.
CNN: Do you find those rules hard to adhere to?
Gov. Romney: Not really, multiple wives can be very distracting.

Youtube: Senator Clinton, how are you going to reform the US Healthcare system to make sure that every American has Health Insurance?
Sen. Clinton: I will make Healthcare affordable for every American through the miracle of outsourcing. P.S. I hate America.

John Q. Public: Representative Kucinich, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Rep. Kucinich: Uhhh that would have to be my small body.

Matt Lauer: Governor Huckabee, are you worried that the movie "I (heart) Huckabees" will have an adverse affect on your campaign?
Gov. Huckabee: Yes, Matt. That movie sucked major bigtime. Also, I'd like to point out that I don't hate America, but I do hate Mexicans.

Effeminate Host: Miss Caitlin, recent polls have shown that 20% of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?
Miss Teen South Carolina: I personally believe the U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa or should help the Iraq and Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

I'm not really much of a politico, but I think I'm going to vote for ........ (drum roll please) ......... that's right, I'm voting for Senator Larry Craig. Don't ask why.

huh?

Consider the following word: "Amenorrhea"

Contrary to your immediate reaction, "Amenorrhea" is not a slang term used to describe the conditions suffered by someone who grandstands his or her Christianity for others to see. Shockingly, "Amenorrhea" is a medical condition in which a woman of reproductive age does not experience a menstrual period.

Advice for new money

If you're anything like me then you're not a rich man (or woman, or some sort of unholy combination of genders). But the beauty of living in a capitalistic society is that anyone can become stinking rich despite their upbringing, education level, or lack of desired physical features. Easy money comes from a variety of sources, including (but not limited to) State Lotteries, Lawsuits, Real Estate and of course Living on top of an oil reserve. If you're lucky enough to stumble into a large sum of unearned cash you may think that your troubles are over. The truth is, you have to learn to be rich.

Unless you win the Lottery or an unusually publicized settlement from a major corporation, odds are that no one will know that you're rich. Most rich folk advertise their wealth with purchases of lake houses, fancy cars, and anything made of Alpaca. You, however, need to fast-track yourself to the ranks of the well-to-do, and that is why I suggest you buy some billboard space and take out a full page ad in USA today. I'm thinking of something along the lines of you in a tuxedo (or evening gown, possibly with a tiara, I don't know) clutching some cash and giving a thumbs up. Possible headlines could read "I'm rich now" or "More Money than God" or even the slightly offensive "Up yours!".

Poor people are usually ugly. Well, actually, people are usually ugly (just going with the statistics here). Assuming you're ugly you might want to change that now, since you can afford it. Face lifts, tummy tucks, anal bleaching, whatever it takes. You're rich now, you want people to like you for your looks, not for your money.

Most uneducated, worthless people who fall into money lose it because they think they have an unlimited supply. This goes without saying, obviously, because those who cannot comprehend numbers beyond one thousand will reason that a few million is infinity. I highly recommend getting a financial manager. Keep in mind that you can't trust just any 'ole licensed, bonded financial manager with your millions of smackers. You need someone you can trust- someone you've known for a while. How about your stepfather?

There are two types of wealthy- Greedy and Lazy. You've never been greedy (thank God) so you're satisfied with simply having an infinite supply of money. You quit your job and you sleep 10 hours a day, which is a good start, but remember that there are 24 hours in a day. 24 minus 10 is, ummm, 14, and if you subtract time spent eating and drinking that leaves about, ohhh I'd say 5 hours with nothing to do. Why not spend some money on Jet Skis? While you're thinking about that I will write out a shopping list for your consideration:

1. Ski Boat
2. Hot Tub
3. Expensive Dogs. English Bulldogs are a good choice, as they are often born via C-Section ($$$)
4. Everything in SkyMall
5. Guns
   
6. Your very own Costco Store

The law is often an afterthought for obscenely wealthy humans. It stands to reason that with enough money you should be able to get away with anything. Examples of moneyed persons skirting common justice are plentiful, but buying your freedom is not a given. The best thing you can do is remain lawful. If you feel the need, the need for speed, then at least make sure you haven't been drinking, and possibly send your lawyer a text message before you get behind the wheel. This way your bail will have been posted by the time you are taken to the station. You'd be amazed at how much time simple planning can save you.

Surprisingly, the insanely rich often succumb to the lure of gambling. All of the pretty lights in Las Vegas can turn your piles of gold into multiple sub-prime mortgages. Why not set up your own casino? If you gamble against yourself you can't lose!

One final thought- Be creative. Everyone loves an eccentric rich person.

Christmas Card

Happy Holidays!
It's Thanksgiving once again and I am filled with holiday spirit. Like most of the country I'm sure you're out of town visiting relatives. Did bad weather or crowded airports affect your holiday travel at all?
I'm staying home this holiday season. The nutcracker suite is playing through my head as I sneak through your house looking for valuables.

Christmas Blues

I asked Santa to bring me true love this Christmas. He sighed and his face turned somber. "There is no such thing as true love" he said, and he stood up and motioned towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked. "Aren't you forgetting dessert?"

It was warm inside the cabin and Santa had consequently stripped down to a tank-top and boxer shorts. He did not immediately respond to my question as he was pulling on his red, furry jumper. "I should get going... I have a big day tomorrow." He tipped his hat to me and waddled out the door. I should have known better.

The next morning there was an email in my inbox with the subject "Moving on". Santa broke up with me.

Lay off me I'm starving

Ever since I was a little girl, I had always wanted a pony. Each year, as I celebrated New Years alone I realized that my dream was becoming less and less a reality. Coping is a unique human trait. Fortunately I learned to settle for what the sweet lord Jesus has provided for me thus far. My job, the clothes, the vacation house, and my cachet of meaningless physical relationships are enough to keep my mind off of that which is lacking in my life.

This morning I woke early (thank you daylight savings time) and as I watched the water in the bathtub drain I decided that today I would leave the house sans-underwear. Indian summers bring out the worst in me.

Therapy went by really fast today. We talked about my childhood pets. I used to have a canary named Beth, but someone decided to let her out of her cage when I was 7. Happy birthday to me.

At work I decided to go to lunch with my friend Stephanie. We both had pasta. During lunch we talked about our dream jobs, and men. After lunch we walked to Macy's and bought snowsuits.

At work we have a male receptionist named Evan. I wonder what he would look like wearing lipstick and a skirt.

Dumbledore - "I have always been gay."

The biggest news to hit the magic community since the Sorceror's Stone is sending shockwaves through wizards and muggles alike. Chamber of secrets? Not anymore. It's official, Dumbledore is gay. Sources close to Dumbledore say that they have known about his sexual orientation for a while, and that due to his increasingly flamboyant tendencies it was only a matter of time before the truth came out.

Officials speculate that this news will hurt enrollment at an already financially strapped Hogwarts Academy. If that weren't bad enough, alumni support is expected to drop to an all time low. Administrators have called an emergency meeting to discuss a plan of action. Unofficial word is that Hogwarts administration is planning to support Dumbledore in his decision to come out of the closet, although they are facing unknown results in what could be a crucial year for Wizard Academies.

Some sources have said that Dumbledore isn't actually gay. Rather, this announcement is a strategic move to position himself for a big payoff from Hogwarts in the event that he is unjustly fired. Citing alleged massive gambling debts and an addiction to barbituates, former accountant Ray Blackman believes Dumbledore is in serious financial trouble, and this is nothing more than a cry for help.

Recent polls across the Wizard community have indicated that a majority still do not approve of the homosexual lifestyle despite vast advances of the gay agenda in the Muggle world. If this is the case, Dumbledore may find himself a victim of ridicule, discrimination, and possibly hate crimes. No one knows what to expect in the coming months, but one thing is for sure- good or bad, Wizards everywhere will never be the same.

top nine reasons to give your life to Jesus

9 - Sinning isn't as fun as it used to be
8 - You're kind of ugly and dating is a real chore
7 - You don't like making life decisions
6 - You're uncomfortable wearing tight or revealing clothing
5 - You need another way (other than environmentalism) to make your friends feel inferior
4 - You think a Jesus fish would look good on your Camry
3 - You heard that religious girls are the most freaky
2 - Long hair and beards appeal to you more now than they did when you were younger
1 - You don't want to go to Hell

bark if you like me

Happy Valentines Day everybody.

Diaper Duty

At the onset of 2006 I changed my diaper. My diaper was dirty, and my butt was getting sore from walking around with a full load. I've been wearing this new diaper since March and its starting to get unbearable. This new diaper is a cheaper brand, which means it can't hold leaks as well as the old diaper. To give you an idea of the comparative qualities of the two diapers, the old diaper lasted 3 years whereas this new diaper is going to burst in half that.

So here I am, diaper getting full, and I have a decision to make. Do I powder up, put on a new diaper and continue to soil myself? Or do I try to potty-train with the hope that one day I will wear big-boy pants?