I Give Up

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls, Children of all ages.... It's official. I give up.

After years and years of trying- putting out more than a modest effort in most everything I do, I've finally realized that it's futile, pointless, and without meaning. From now on I will live a meek, dull, and joyless life without the highs and lows that come from excitement and adventure. My path henceforth will be straight, narrow, flat, and dry.

So good luck in all of your future endeavors and perhaps I'll see you on the other side.

Love,

Mustainefan

I Think I'm a Big Man

Looking around I see nothing but softies... People who can't hack it. Although I'm not really sure what "It" is, I'm sure we can all agree that not being able to hack "It" is a bad thing. Everyone around me is weak and buckle at even the slightest external pressure. I think I'm a big man.
I maintain a reckless sense of self confidence that sets me above my peers. Is your job really stressful right now? Are you being asked to do too much at the workplace? I bet I could handle it just fine. The holiday season is coming up... will you be able to afford all of the Christmas presents that you're obligated to buy? I can guarantee you that no one on my Christmas list is going to be disappointed.

Why am I better than you? It's all attitude, baby...

Awkward Non-Sexual Relationships

Awkward, non-sexual relationships are like a disease. Not a disease like rabies or breast cancer, but more like a disease of the mind...Alzheimer's if you will. They cripple you- and, over time, you deteriorate into a blathering fool who can't tell up from down, right from left, sweet from sour. They're addictive...and destructive.

We're all familiar with the stereotypical male-female relationship in which one party (usually the male) is using the other for sex or sexual favors. This happens all the time, and for the most part, as a society, we're OK with it.

The awkward non-sexual relationship has a similar setup- a standard male-female relationship, with one party using the other... But this time it's often the female using the male for "Non-sex", or "companionship" as you might guess.

The awkward non-sexual relationship starts off like a normal relationship might. And for the first few "non-dates" you might think to yourself, "This is going somewhere." Your non-dates consist of very wholesome activities, such as playing tennis, going bowling, watching movies, playing

board games and (even though you might not care to admit it) going on picnics. But as a normal relationship progresses from there, the awkward non-sexual relationship just festers...more and more board games, lame romantic comedies, and before you know it, even the thought of picnic food makes you sick to your stomach.

Now at this point the average reader might be thinking to him/herself... "What's wrong with going to movies and picnics? That sounds fun." The problem, my friend, is that an awkward non-sexual relationship monopolizes your time. That's where the "Awkward" part comes in.

You can easily have a non-sexual relationship and not feel the ill effects of an AWKWARD non-sexual relationship. The difference is the frequency of your outings. In a plain non-sexual relationship you don't see each other but maybe once or twice a week. Awkwardness is created by the persistence of time. The more and more time you spend together, the more comfortable you get. In turn, you start to think that sexual activities are fair game. And when it turns out you're wrong, you get frustrated.

Thus far it would seem that the awkward non-sexual relationship is only awkward and frustrating from the male point of view. This is definitely NOT the case. A lot of girls out there are stuck with deadbeat male friends who won't give it up. My powerful insight leads me to believe that there are two mutually exclusive sources for this- One, the dude is not attracted to the girl (i.e. she is a fat girl) or Two, he is a gayrod.

"OK, mustainefan, so now I know all about awkward non-sexual relationships, so what should I do?"
The answer is simple, my friend...CUT IT OFF NOW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP IT. You'll thank me later...

Thoughts for the Day

Let's see...whats in the news today...

Well, it looks like Liza Minelli is in trouble.....AGAIN! It appears that she is being sued for sexual harassment for damages totaling $100 million. Her former chauffer/bodyguard allegedly was forced to engage in sexual relations with the singer. And if that weren't enough, she allegedly beat him during extended periods of drunken rage. I hope he wins, too, because it will be hard to find another bodyguard gig once the word gets out that Liza Minelli kicked his ass.

Hmmm...what else....

I had a dream last night that I was back on the farm, and we (pops and I) were trying to load a bull into a livestock trailer in order to take it to the auction out in Central Point. The trailer that came to our house was this huge semi with giant wheels. It was so big, in fact, that I didn't think the bull would be able to get up there... While I was trying to think of a way to get the bull into the trailer, I woke from the dream and I really had to go to the bathroom.

Cram Session

	"Move into the light, my son..."
...Said the kindly old man.
	I wake up thirty years later. "I've come for your babies, maam."

I'm sick of fat girls

I've been thinking a lot lately. I have been trying to find the source of my complete lack of motivation and my loss of love for my fellow human being. I'm becoming more and more apathetic and have developed some real nasty anti-social tendencies. I've looked deep within my soul to see if there's something I'm missing. Did my parents deprive me of love and reassurance? Did they give me enough hugs? Nonsense! I was the recipient of a very loving childhood so that cannot be the source. It must be a current malady that takes away my will. As of today (and the recent past) I have not been engaging in the healthiest of activities... Perhaps I spend too much time alone, perhaps I watch too much TV, maybe I don't get out enough, it's even possible that I live in the wrong city. But given all of these externalities I think I've discovered a common theme that gives rise to my discontent... I'm sick of Fat Girls.

Fat Girls on the streets, Fat Girls at work, Fat Girls in restaurants, Fat Girls in bars, Fat Girls in my neighborhood (or so I hypothesize- I haven't really met too many of my neighbors)...so much fat. They walk around like nothing's wrong and then they smile at you like they think they have a chance of being your friend. I cannot bear to even look them in the face. It drains my power.

So often I hear a fat girl make rude remarks about thin girls... "That girl must throw up after every meal" or "Her family must have been too poor to feed her well" or "What a stupid, skinny bitch!" Their claim is that being thin is unnatural. Bullshit. Eating like a pig is unnatural. Exhibiting absolutely zero self-restraint is unnatural. Not engaging in physical activity is unnatural. Eating nothing but cheese and white bread is unnatural. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that one person can behave like someone else and expect to maintain a similar body type. Different people have to do different things. Some have to work harder than others. But the bottom line is- you can control it. I know, I used to be a fat guy.

Also, if you've ever been around a fat girl, I bet you've heard a million excuses for why they never exercise, or why they eat all the wrong foods... "I'm too busy" "I love queso too much" "I'm always too tired at the end of the day" "I'll start next week" You'll start nothing. All you do is talk. Talk talk talk talk. Shut your face.

I see all these fat girls everyday and they outnumber the thin girls 6 to 1. And the fact that they're fat makes the ratio look even worse. I have no reason to try and impress a fat girl, so consequently my motivation to dress nice, bathe, brush my teeth, get haircuts, and to engage in any other form of personal hygeine goes right down the drain. I've lost all hope.