My comments to ESPN about their site redesign

The re-design is poor. It seems like you've significantly added to advertising content. The desired content is becoming lost in a sea of useless information and horrible advertising. ESPN has been turning into a mindless media sinkhole that cares only about short term profits. Shame on you all.

Honk

My favorite t-shirt is permanently tainted with the smell of sunscreen. It reminds me of fun times at the beach.

Weak coffee and memories of love lost

As I sip my weak coffee I am filled with memories of love lost. I am also reminded that I need to stop at the pharmacy tonight to get some shaving supplies. But now my mind slips back into the state of intense fear of being watched. Paranoid? Of course.

I think as I grow older I engage in less and less eye contact with strangers as I mill about on a daily basis. To make matters worse I grow more and more aware of what I am doing, which increases my level of paranoia and overall anxiety. Are there pills for this?

Boy, have I veered off topic. I apologize.

Bargain Hunting, and other crap

In this new age of economic distress I have decided to cut costs. First thing to go is my nightly bath. I figure that each night I waste $35 in water and energy costs. Next on my list is to cut down on the exotic food I normally eat. I am going to devise a new "recession" diet that consists entirely of baklava from gift baskets left over from various holidays. These can be purchased at a discount from any gift basket supplier.

Shifting gears I would like to discuss my recent experience in a taxi cab. I arrived in Chicago at 7:45 PM and hastily made my way to the airport restroom and then to the ground transportation area (in that order). I asked the cabdriver if he took credit cards and in a confident foreign tone he assured me that he did indeed. I cheerfully leaped into his cab and bounced my bottom on the seat cushion a few times before finally settling down for the long drive to downtown Chicago. I smiled at everyone I saw out the window as we sped away from the airport. I was happy to be alive.

After an eternity we arrived at my hotel. My bladder had already re-filled and I was anxious to empty it. I was also anxious to order room service and raid the mini-bar. The cab-driver took my credit card and whipped out his credit card processing kit (carbon copy receipt and a slider mechanism). After he made a carbon copy of the receipt I filled in the tip and signed and all that good stuff. He then told me "just a second sir, I have to call and get clearance on the card."

He slowly dialed up his dispatch agent and asked her to run the card and check its validity. He had her on speakerphone so I was able to hear the entire conversation. "...Please run the numbers."

"OK confirmation code 9...3...7...2...0"

"Wait repeat that please?"

"9...3......7.....2.......0"

"I can't hear you!" He screamed, noticeably annoyed.

"I already told you the numbers, quit yellin' at me"

"Why are you always so mean to me Goddamnit?!!"

"You know what? I'm not gonna give you the numbers." Click.

"Wait- I'm sorry. Just give my the numbers please!!! ........ Hello? HELLO??!!!"

Just then he set down the phone and slunk down into a seated fetal position. His spirit had been crushed." After a few moments of silence he handed me my card and my receipt and said in an almost heart-breaking voice, "have a good night sir."

"Thanks." I said and I jumped out of the cab with slightly lesser glee than I started with. Later that night I pigged out on room service and ordered an adult movie.

Quizmasters

Behold the new coven of secrecy and wit. We, the quizmasters scour the Earth for knowledge and truth and paltry prize money. We hold the secrets of the universe deep within our hearts and we test each other for merit on a daily basis.

To become a quizmaster write to:

quizmasters
P.O. Box 332
Mesa, Arizona 83321-1348

For a mere $5 entry fee you will learn our secret handshake, learn our sacred oath, and receive a vhs tape of rodeo bloopers. If your letter is received within 30 days you will be entered in a drawing to win cruise tickets.

Join us or else.

Lightning Rod

The other day I rode the bus to work like I usually do. With my current routine, my path crosses that of a crippled Asian college student who rides the same bus. I think his legs are missing or something. This kid is probably 20 years old or so- and has a funny mop haircut and a slightly neglected upper lip mustache (is that redundant?)

Given this kid's handicapped nature, he always gets on the bus first because he has to situate his wheelchair in the front where the row of seats lifts up to accommodate wheelchairs and the like. Also necessary is the ordeal of lowering the wheelchair lift to get him on the bus, which seems to take an eternity. The ordeal is repeated, of course, when he gets off the bus- not too far before my stop downtown.

I generally respond negatively to any disruption of my schedule, so you can imagine how my mood changes when I get to the bus stop and I see this kid waiting for the bus with a smug look on his face.

This week marked a new twist to my rivalry with the handicapped kid. After the wheelchair lift gently lowered the kid to the street and began to raise back up into the bus, it got stuck. Five minutes passed as the bus driver repeatedly raised and lowered the lift to try and unstick it and get us on our way. It wasn't until a passer-by helped secure the lift by pushing on it as the driver raised it that we were able to get going. I thought to myself... "a minor inconvenience, surely this is a one-time thing..."

Yesterday I drove to work, bypassing this process, and keeping my sanity. Today, however, there I was again, riding the bus with my handicapped nemesis. As soon as he was lowered off the bus I heard the grinding of the lift mechanism. "Here we go again..." I thought to myself. And during the 5 minutes that followed I decided that I was a lightning rod for inconvenience.

Always and forever...

How I Spent My Snow Day

Yesterday was a snow day, and as we all know, snow days are filled with magic, wonder and adventure. My snow day had all of that, and more.

I began by walking through the frozen tundra to the nearest Starbucks to get myself a coffee. On the way back I stopped at McDonalds and picked up a few sausage mcmuffins with which to stuff my fat face. The McDonalds employees seemed extra chipper as they spit in my food. They were obviously filled with the holiday spirit.

I spent the next 18 hours with my tongue stuck to a flag pole.

The End

Role Playing

The young couple was having problems in the bedroom and turned to a well-known therapist for help.

"...I suggest that you be frank with each other when it comes to love-making..." Said the therapist in between sips of tea.

They took her comments as a recommendation of Role Playing.

Happy Halloween

Halloween isn't as fun as an adult as it was when I was a kid. I don't really eat candy anymore, and Horror Movies have lost their appeal as nothing scares me since I lost the will to live. I could go to a Halloween party (assuming I was lucky enough to be invited to one) and enjoy seeing women I know dressed up like whores. However, the plight of the ugly girl who tries to fit in will certainly kill my erotic buzz, and make me think about my life in new and different ways. I'm just not ready for that level of introspection yet.


Somebody help me.

Yes Indeed

I'm going to name my next dog "Peeves". That way when anyone asks me if I have any Pet Peeves I can say "Yes indeed."

What is True Love?

Tara had reached a pivotal moment in her life. She was a year out of college and living in an apartment with her older sister. Her older sister had been engaged for 3 years and was living with her fiance. The whole situation was a little tense between Tara, her sister, and her sister's fiance, but thats another story for another time.

Tara had been spending the last 2 months soul searching and looking for work. "When are you going to get a job and move out?" Asked her sister, jokingly. "Why don't you go back to work at the bank for now?" She realized as she finished talking that what she said was hurtful to Tara.

"I know... I'm looking. I'm actually- I'm thinking about going back to school. Whatever happens, I'm sure I'll be out of your hair soon." Tara said in a defeated voice.

"I didn't mean it like that- you can stay here as long as you want. I'm just trying to help." Said Tara's sister. "Do you want to go shopping later?"

"Maybe." Tara said as she noticed her mood changing. Her sister's reassuring comments and shopping invitation had made her feel better almost instantly. "I have to run some errands right now and stop over at Mom's. You want to meet back here at 4?"

"Sure."

"OK, see you sis."

When Tara thought about the bank job she instantly sank into depression. She could picture herself as an aging bank teller, trying to dress nice, counting cash with wrinkled fingers, and spending her 30 minute lunch breaks window shopping. As her mind painted an ever so bleak picture she told herself that it could be worse.

"I could be fat." She thought.

She remembered that her old roommate in college had entered the teaching program and seemed happy if for nothing else that she was working towards a goal. Tara wanted a goal.

"I want a goal." Tara said aloud in her car, as she was driving to Target. She had been driving in silence with the radio off, reflecting. She felt silly as she heard her own voice break the silent contemplation. She pulled into the Target parking lot, parked and went in.

Tara's life inside Target was very much unlike her life outside of Target. Once she walked through those automatic sliding doors she knew exactly what she wanted and exactly where to get it. She got out in record time forgetting not a single item on her mental shopping list. However, upon returning to her car, indecision set in once again.

She was faced with two choices- School or Bank Job- and she felt an obsessive compulsive need to choose one before she drove away. In a moment of weakness she called her ex-boyfriend, Dalton, to ask for his advice. Before she knew what happened she found herself in Dalton's apartment. Just then she realized what she needed. She needed someone to make her feel pretty.

Kitchen Mishap

Mission: Separate frozen sausage











Weapon of Choice: Cut Rate Asian Cleaver (no pun intended)











RESULT: Booboo











Don't cry for me.

Special Needs Baby

I am a special needs baby

I don't feel like blogging right now

I want to make it clear to everyone out there- I don't feel like blogging right now. There's nothing going on in my life at the moment, and I don't know of anything else going on that would be the least bit interesting to your average internet reader.

So bugger off.

Fast Food modifies business plan

It seems to me that the geniuses at the American Fast Food Collective have come up with a brilliant new business plan- Practical Jokes.

Carl's Junior has their Fake Restaurant, McDonalds has their Dollar Menu, and Taco Bell has their Taco wrapped in another Taco. I always thought I was too smart to fall for any of these simple parlour tricks, but you know what they say- "Pride cometh before a fall."

The other day Pizza Hut got me real good. They somehow tricked me into trying their new pasta creations. Boy did I feel stupid. I wouldn't be surprised if they were secretly filming me while I disgraced myself for one of their upcoming commercials.


Afterwords I called Pizza Hut and said "Ha ha, good one my friend. What's next, you gonna put my panties in the freezer?"

I like to think that I learn from my mistakes. Lord knows I will think twice before inviting Pizza Hut to my house for a sleepover.

Thanksgiving With Me

I'm working on a movie called "Thanksgiving With Me". Here's an excerpt from the screenplay:

CAST: Me, You, Brian

It's 10:00AM, and I'm sitting downstairs, watching Lions vs. Titans on TV. Brian wedged himself underneath the coffee table and is sleeping there, periodically licking himself. This annoys me because I cannot stand licking sounds. I tell him to knock it off. I hear footsteps from what sounds like the front porch. The doorbell rings. Brian violently squeezes out from underneath the coffee table and starts barking his head off.

"DING DONG"

ME: Brian! Shhhhh.

I open up the sliding glass door and let Brian outside.

"DING DONG"

I run upstairs and open the door.

ME: Helllloooo! Glad you could make it! You got here just in time to start watching some football.

YOU: Oh good, I love football.

ME: Well you're in luck because we have three games today.

Awkward pause as we both look at each other.

ME: Well come on in, lets get some pre-turkey snacks and go get our football on.

YOU: Sounds awesome.

We go into the kitchen and we unpack the grocery bags you brought.

ME: Chips, salsa, guacamole, good, good. I got a whole mess of diet coke in the fridge, but it's still early, I'm still drinking coffee.

YOU: Oh I had coffee on the way over. I'm good for now. Is the turkey cooking?

ME: You know it. I put it in about 20 minutes ago.

YOU: Great. I brought some pies. We got a nice Pumpkin pie, and a nice Pecan pie.

ME: Those are my favorite. I'm going to gather together a big plate of Chips and Salsa and maybe we fill up a bowl full of the Spicy Chex mix I made and then lets finish up game 1.

YOU: Sounds good. I will do the same.

We go downstairs and settle down in front of the TV. I am sitting in the recliner chair, and you are sitting on the loveseat in front of the coffee table. I get up briefly to let Brian back in. He goes nuts for the first 5 minutes and then settles down and crawls back underneath the coffee table.

Life Coach

I hired a Life Coach. I knew he was good when his first advice to me was to fire my Life Coach.

Clubbin

Dancing is forbidden in some societies/cultures. That is perfectly alright with me.

Lightning Crashes

One Friday night I was sitting at home watching TGIF when all of a sudden the lights went out. I was all alone. It was 9:45, midway through "Baby Talk"- the Television version of "Look Who's Talking" with Tony Danza as the voice of the baby instead of Bruce Willis. I didn't really like this show, which somehow made the power outage more scary.

After 10 seconds of pure, unadulterated panic, I settled down and gathered my wits. I fumbled my way off the sleeper sofa and crept towards the front door. The moon was partially exposed that night, so I felt that being outside I would be able to see and possibly check the neighbor houses. Sure enough, their power was out.

I sat in the middle of the front lawn and waited for the lights to come back on. They never did.

The Human Condition

When I was a kid, I really wanted a Nintendo. I never got it.