Happy Halloween

Halloween isn't as fun as an adult as it was when I was a kid. I don't really eat candy anymore, and Horror Movies have lost their appeal as nothing scares me since I lost the will to live. I could go to a Halloween party (assuming I was lucky enough to be invited to one) and enjoy seeing women I know dressed up like whores. However, the plight of the ugly girl who tries to fit in will certainly kill my erotic buzz, and make me think about my life in new and different ways. I'm just not ready for that level of introspection yet.


Somebody help me.

Yes Indeed

I'm going to name my next dog "Peeves". That way when anyone asks me if I have any Pet Peeves I can say "Yes indeed."

What is True Love?

Tara had reached a pivotal moment in her life. She was a year out of college and living in an apartment with her older sister. Her older sister had been engaged for 3 years and was living with her fiance. The whole situation was a little tense between Tara, her sister, and her sister's fiance, but thats another story for another time.

Tara had been spending the last 2 months soul searching and looking for work. "When are you going to get a job and move out?" Asked her sister, jokingly. "Why don't you go back to work at the bank for now?" She realized as she finished talking that what she said was hurtful to Tara.

"I know... I'm looking. I'm actually- I'm thinking about going back to school. Whatever happens, I'm sure I'll be out of your hair soon." Tara said in a defeated voice.

"I didn't mean it like that- you can stay here as long as you want. I'm just trying to help." Said Tara's sister. "Do you want to go shopping later?"

"Maybe." Tara said as she noticed her mood changing. Her sister's reassuring comments and shopping invitation had made her feel better almost instantly. "I have to run some errands right now and stop over at Mom's. You want to meet back here at 4?"

"Sure."

"OK, see you sis."

When Tara thought about the bank job she instantly sank into depression. She could picture herself as an aging bank teller, trying to dress nice, counting cash with wrinkled fingers, and spending her 30 minute lunch breaks window shopping. As her mind painted an ever so bleak picture she told herself that it could be worse.

"I could be fat." She thought.

She remembered that her old roommate in college had entered the teaching program and seemed happy if for nothing else that she was working towards a goal. Tara wanted a goal.

"I want a goal." Tara said aloud in her car, as she was driving to Target. She had been driving in silence with the radio off, reflecting. She felt silly as she heard her own voice break the silent contemplation. She pulled into the Target parking lot, parked and went in.

Tara's life inside Target was very much unlike her life outside of Target. Once she walked through those automatic sliding doors she knew exactly what she wanted and exactly where to get it. She got out in record time forgetting not a single item on her mental shopping list. However, upon returning to her car, indecision set in once again.

She was faced with two choices- School or Bank Job- and she felt an obsessive compulsive need to choose one before she drove away. In a moment of weakness she called her ex-boyfriend, Dalton, to ask for his advice. Before she knew what happened she found herself in Dalton's apartment. Just then she realized what she needed. She needed someone to make her feel pretty.

Kitchen Mishap

Mission: Separate frozen sausage











Weapon of Choice: Cut Rate Asian Cleaver (no pun intended)











RESULT: Booboo











Don't cry for me.

Special Needs Baby

I am a special needs baby

I don't feel like blogging right now

I want to make it clear to everyone out there- I don't feel like blogging right now. There's nothing going on in my life at the moment, and I don't know of anything else going on that would be the least bit interesting to your average internet reader.

So bugger off.

Fast Food modifies business plan

It seems to me that the geniuses at the American Fast Food Collective have come up with a brilliant new business plan- Practical Jokes.

Carl's Junior has their Fake Restaurant, McDonalds has their Dollar Menu, and Taco Bell has their Taco wrapped in another Taco. I always thought I was too smart to fall for any of these simple parlour tricks, but you know what they say- "Pride cometh before a fall."

The other day Pizza Hut got me real good. They somehow tricked me into trying their new pasta creations. Boy did I feel stupid. I wouldn't be surprised if they were secretly filming me while I disgraced myself for one of their upcoming commercials.


Afterwords I called Pizza Hut and said "Ha ha, good one my friend. What's next, you gonna put my panties in the freezer?"

I like to think that I learn from my mistakes. Lord knows I will think twice before inviting Pizza Hut to my house for a sleepover.

Thanksgiving With Me

I'm working on a movie called "Thanksgiving With Me". Here's an excerpt from the screenplay:

CAST: Me, You, Brian

It's 10:00AM, and I'm sitting downstairs, watching Lions vs. Titans on TV. Brian wedged himself underneath the coffee table and is sleeping there, periodically licking himself. This annoys me because I cannot stand licking sounds. I tell him to knock it off. I hear footsteps from what sounds like the front porch. The doorbell rings. Brian violently squeezes out from underneath the coffee table and starts barking his head off.

"DING DONG"

ME: Brian! Shhhhh.

I open up the sliding glass door and let Brian outside.

"DING DONG"

I run upstairs and open the door.

ME: Helllloooo! Glad you could make it! You got here just in time to start watching some football.

YOU: Oh good, I love football.

ME: Well you're in luck because we have three games today.

Awkward pause as we both look at each other.

ME: Well come on in, lets get some pre-turkey snacks and go get our football on.

YOU: Sounds awesome.

We go into the kitchen and we unpack the grocery bags you brought.

ME: Chips, salsa, guacamole, good, good. I got a whole mess of diet coke in the fridge, but it's still early, I'm still drinking coffee.

YOU: Oh I had coffee on the way over. I'm good for now. Is the turkey cooking?

ME: You know it. I put it in about 20 minutes ago.

YOU: Great. I brought some pies. We got a nice Pumpkin pie, and a nice Pecan pie.

ME: Those are my favorite. I'm going to gather together a big plate of Chips and Salsa and maybe we fill up a bowl full of the Spicy Chex mix I made and then lets finish up game 1.

YOU: Sounds good. I will do the same.

We go downstairs and settle down in front of the TV. I am sitting in the recliner chair, and you are sitting on the loveseat in front of the coffee table. I get up briefly to let Brian back in. He goes nuts for the first 5 minutes and then settles down and crawls back underneath the coffee table.

Life Coach

I hired a Life Coach. I knew he was good when his first advice to me was to fire my Life Coach.

Clubbin

Dancing is forbidden in some societies/cultures. That is perfectly alright with me.

Lightning Crashes

One Friday night I was sitting at home watching TGIF when all of a sudden the lights went out. I was all alone. It was 9:45, midway through "Baby Talk"- the Television version of "Look Who's Talking" with Tony Danza as the voice of the baby instead of Bruce Willis. I didn't really like this show, which somehow made the power outage more scary.

After 10 seconds of pure, unadulterated panic, I settled down and gathered my wits. I fumbled my way off the sleeper sofa and crept towards the front door. The moon was partially exposed that night, so I felt that being outside I would be able to see and possibly check the neighbor houses. Sure enough, their power was out.

I sat in the middle of the front lawn and waited for the lights to come back on. They never did.

The Human Condition

When I was a kid, I really wanted a Nintendo. I never got it.

Chasing the Jade Dragon

I chased the dragon last night, the Jade Dragon. The Jade Dragon is a nice old-fashioned Chinese-American restaurant located not more than 2 miles from my nice little home. It's located in an older strip mall, right next to a pet groomer, and a Bank of America.

A kindly, spectacled Chinese man runs the front desk, kind of like an Asian Bob Newhart. The restaurant, which never seems very busy, consists of a modest (yet spacious) dining area, and a dark and seedy lounge hidden behind two velvet-padded swivel doors with nautical circle windows.

I keep a Jade Dragon menu tucked neatly in my kitchen drawer. I never use it, since I have their phone number programmed into my phone, and I always order the same thing. I like having it, though, in the rare event that I want something different, or if I have guests who need to see the menu.

"Hello, Jade Dragon."

"Yeah, hi, I'd like to place an order for pick up."

"OK, go ahead."

"Yeah, I'll take a Chicken Fried Rice, and a Chicken Chop Suey."

"Chicken fried rice..... chicken chop suey.... anything else?"

"Nope, thats it."

"OK, give me 10, 15 minutes."

"Great, thanks!"

Ten to fifteen minutes later I'm driving home. Ten to fifteen minutes after that I'm stuffing my face.

The source of my pain

Behold, my nemesis. Greg Weber, in his drunken splendor. He would make a good medieval tyrant.

suck

"...and he knows better. But I just ignored him and he eventually apologized."

BEEP BEEP BB-BB-BEEB .... BEEP BEEP BB-BB-BEEB

"Hold on a sec..." Lisa said, reaching into her handbag. She pulled out a somewhat stylish cell phone and flipped it open. Casey stared at her anxiously, chewing on her right thumb fingernail. "It's Dalton..." pausing for a second, a grin developed on her face. "Awwwww...."

"What is it?" asked Casey. Lisa violently shoved the phone into Casey's face. Dalton had sent a picture of a gift-wrapped box with a festive bow on top, with the words 'I got a surprise for you' underneath. "Oooh! What do you think it is?""I don't know. It could be anything. It could be tickets to Hawaii, diamond earrings, or maybe even a ring!?" squealed Lisa.

"A ring, really?" asked Casey "I thought you had talked about it and decided to wait at least a year."

"No, I doubt its a ring. But you never know with Dalton. Sometimes he can be so romantic." Lisa was downplaying her excitement. This was the first time Dalton had exhibited any shred of romanticism, so naturally she was expecting something big.

Lisa purposefully waited 1 hour before texting Dalton back. She finished her shopping trip with Casey, and freshened up at Casey's apartment before going home to see what Dalton had in store for her. She borrowed some of Casey's clothes and they even went as far as to have a mini fashion show before she left.

The drive home was excruciating and exhilarating. She was in love with the endorphins that were pulsing through her brain. Her mind was racing, but her car was going under the speed limit. She wasn't in a hurry, she was enjoying herself.

She pulled into the parking garage of her apartment complex and slowly walked towards the gate that led to the elevator. In her mind-altered state of euphoria she decided to take the stairs. She never takes the stairs.

She walked in looking sexy and feeling confident. Dalton was sitting on the couch wearing cut-off sweat pants, a long sleeve t-shirt, and a backwards baseball cap. "Hey babe" he said excitedly. "I got a surprise for ya..."

She stood there dumbfounded, still holding her shopping bag and handbag. Dalton got up quickly and ran down the hallway. Moments later he emerged carrying a golden retriever puppy with a little bow tied around its neck.

Lisa broke up with Dalton two weeks later. Dalton gave the puppy to his Sister.

I don't know much

In 1989, Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt met and collaborated on an album. I don't know much.... but I know I loved it.

Ever so gently

"When is lunch?" he asked.

"As soon as your father gets home."

"Why do we have to wait for dad? I'm starving!" he exclaimed.

"Because it's polite, and respectful."

"Can I have a bagel while I wait, at least?"

"OK, but no cream cheese or anything."

"Alright." he said defeatedly, but satisfied.

It was 3:00 when father finally arrived home, wreaking of booze. "Who stole my keys?" he burst. "They were in my pocket five minutes ago!" As he slurred his words his wife's fake smile turned into a fake concerned frown.

"No one took your keys, dear. I'll go check the car. You probably left them in the ignition again." and she hurried out the door.

"Yeah you do that." he mumbled, as he plopped into his favorite bean bag chair.

"OUCH!" he cried. "Who the fuck put this miniloader on my beanbag?" yelled father with an expectant, 'answer-me-now' look on his face.

'Miniloader' was what his 3 year old son had cutely but mistakenly named his toy forklift.

The End

Ugly Truth

It appears that America is not the only superficial country in the world. According to my internet news sources the little Chinese girl who was supposed to sing during the opening ceremonies at the Beijing Olympics was not "good looking" enough to present on the world stage, so the Chinese beautification authority brought in a ringer to lip-sync.

Albeit shocking and heart-wrenching, (especially when you Google the whole thing and see pictures of the little girl) this is hardly a new concept. In 1897 a French playwright named Edmond Rostand wrote his most famous work , "Cyrano de Bergerac". The play tells the story of a man who is conventionally ugly, yet possesses skills of wit and brawn beyond compare. Lacking confidence (in both himself and the women he pines for) he enlists the aid of a handsome, young soldier who can barely string a sentence together to take his place in his attempts at woo. Blah blah blah- fighting, poetry, innuendo- great play, and a great story- so much so that it has been re-told in countless movies and television shows, both directly and indirectly. I think there is even a version starring Jeneane Garafolo. To me she is the living embodiment of a female Cyrano. But I digress.

Before we go ahead and chastise the Chinese for another perceived offense against the World, lets take a moment and reflect upon our own sins:

1) Milli Vanilli
2) The chick from C+C Music Factory
3) Ashlee Simpson

Shame on you China, and shame on me. Shame on everyone. Oh, and one more thing- be careful when you Google for pictures of stuff.

Practical Joke Backfires

Recently my office friend/enemy (frenemy?) Greg Weber has been sabotaging my work area. He started off by leaving threatening post-it notes on my computer monitor. At first they were funny, then they got scary. He soon grew tired of this, and moved on to hiding my personal effects around the office. He hid my spare shoes, he hid my gym shorts, and he also hid my insulin. It got a little too real when I slipped into a diabetic coma and they had to call the paramedics, but we still had a good laugh afterwards. Seeking a fresh start he decided to start tampering with my computer. He unplugged my peripherals and wrote the word "whore" on my monitor with a Permanent Marker.

Today, however, marked a new day of practical joke complexity. I arrived in my cubicle as usual, 7:45AM (I'm an early riser). As I routinely put my frozen bagel in the toaster, hung up my backpack, logged into my computer, and swapped my flip flops for my office shoes I could tell that something was amiss. I knew trouble lay in waiting for me, but I ignored my impulses as I attributed them to hunger. I noticed my chair was not in front of my computer as it usually is, but rather it was facing the left side of my cubicle- over by the stack of Diet Coke cans on my desk. I thought to myself, "that's funny" as I tilted my head and grabbed the back of my chair. Pulling the chair, my surroundings seemed to revolve around me in slow motion when I realized the base of my chair was tied to a Diet Coke can somewhere in the middle of the stack. As my mountain of cans came crashing down into my workspace I felt utterly helpless and vulnerable. "This is what babies feel like when they are born into the world" I reflected.

When the horrific sound of tumbling tin finally ceased, I lifted my ears and heard.... no one. No one was in the office yet. Partially relieved (and severely humbled) I began the long and tedious process of picking up the cans and re-stacking them. I then retrieved my toasted bagel and started checking emails.

Right around 8:24 I heard someone huffing and puffing approaching my cube. I turned around and saw Greg Weber bending over with his hands on his knees, sweating profusely. I could tell he'd been running. I sat there staring at him, saying nothing while he took a few minutes to catch his breath. "How's your morning going?" he said, finally breaking the silence. He was fighting to suppress his smile.

"Fine" I responded. "You're here awfully early."

"I got a bunch of work to do." He crossed his arms and looked around my cubicle. "Hmmm... does your stack of cans look different?"

"I don't know. I can't see any difference. Is there something I can help you with? I'm a very busy man."

After another painfully long silence neither of us could hold back anymore. I fessed up and told him how the cans fell down and he admitted to orchestrating the whole thing. I asked him if he had come in early so he could see the joke unfold and he said yes, but his bus was held up at the river because the bridge had been raised. Normally Greg gets to work around 10. He had to wake up 2 hours early just to try and witness my humiliation. His prank was a success, but his overall plan was a failure.

"So I guess the joke really backfired on you here."

"Yeah I guess it did."

I'm plotting my revenge. Does anyone know where I can get some ether?

Two Wrongs Make a Baby

Mr. X and Ms. Y met at a dance club called "Crush" one Friday night. Ms. Y was dancing with her friends from work when Mr. X sidled over and commenced his courtship on the dance floor. He swiveled and swerved, to and fro, hither and thither, while beads of sweat cooled him way down beneath his undershirt. He was drinking a bud light, but earlier he had taken shots of Tequila that his friend (and business partner) bought him.

Ms. Y was happy because it was Friday and she only had one week of work left before she was scheduled to go to Mexico for a two week vacation. She was wearing a pair of snug hip-hugging jeans that, even though she bought them on sale, cost so much that she came up short on her rent and her roommate had to float her one month. She complimented her denim showpiece with a bejeweled black tank-top and a decorative scarf worn as a belt. She had started off the night with Lemon Drops and now she was drinking Red Bull without any alcohol, to stay awake and alert.

"Do you want to go outside for a cigarette?" She asked, during the brief music break.

"Yeah, sure" he said, even though he didn't smoke. "Let me grab another drink first. You want anything?"

"Rum and Diet" she yelled. "No, wait!" but it was too late. He didn't hear her as he turned to walk towards the bar, and she decided that she would let him get her the cocktail, even though she had made a conscious effort to stop drinking for the night. She thought it would be lame to ask him to get her another Red Bull.

Out on the patio they smoked their cigarettes. She admitted that she didn't want the drink he had bought her, and he admitted that he'd never smoked before. Their candid conversation soon turned into laughing and touching. They exchanged phone numbers, and then took turns listening to each others' ringtones. Once their conversation hinted at becoming stale, she suggested they go back into the bar to find her friends. This was a white lie on her part, as she had already been informed via text message that they had moved on to another bar.

After some more dancing (this time with her hands connected around his neck and his hands plastered to her behind) the bar commenced its close-down sequence. They decided to split a cab. The plan was to drop her off first, but she invited him in.

"...And that's how babies are made."

"Wow. Thanks dad."

"Anytime son. Anytime."