How bad do you want it?

I watched the Today show last week for the first time in 7 years and I realized that presidential elections are only 10 months away. We're knee deep in primaries and the race is really getting hot. I decided to gear up by watching some debates. I found most of it interesting, despite the fact that I barely understand English. I decided to post some excerpts that I found particularly interesting.

CNN: Governor Romney, can you explain to us what your Mormon faith means to you?
Gov. Romney: It means that I can't watch R-rated movies and I can't drink coffee.
CNN: Do you find those rules hard to adhere to?
Gov. Romney: Not really, multiple wives can be very distracting.

Youtube: Senator Clinton, how are you going to reform the US Healthcare system to make sure that every American has Health Insurance?
Sen. Clinton: I will make Healthcare affordable for every American through the miracle of outsourcing. P.S. I hate America.

John Q. Public: Representative Kucinich, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Rep. Kucinich: Uhhh that would have to be my small body.

Matt Lauer: Governor Huckabee, are you worried that the movie "I (heart) Huckabees" will have an adverse affect on your campaign?
Gov. Huckabee: Yes, Matt. That movie sucked major bigtime. Also, I'd like to point out that I don't hate America, but I do hate Mexicans.

Effeminate Host: Miss Caitlin, recent polls have shown that 20% of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?
Miss Teen South Carolina: I personally believe the U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa or should help the Iraq and Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

I'm not really much of a politico, but I think I'm going to vote for ........ (drum roll please) ......... that's right, I'm voting for Senator Larry Craig. Don't ask why.

huh?

Consider the following word: "Amenorrhea"

Contrary to your immediate reaction, "Amenorrhea" is not a slang term used to describe the conditions suffered by someone who grandstands his or her Christianity for others to see. Shockingly, "Amenorrhea" is a medical condition in which a woman of reproductive age does not experience a menstrual period.

Advice for new money

If you're anything like me then you're not a rich man (or woman, or some sort of unholy combination of genders). But the beauty of living in a capitalistic society is that anyone can become stinking rich despite their upbringing, education level, or lack of desired physical features. Easy money comes from a variety of sources, including (but not limited to) State Lotteries, Lawsuits, Real Estate and of course Living on top of an oil reserve. If you're lucky enough to stumble into a large sum of unearned cash you may think that your troubles are over. The truth is, you have to learn to be rich.

Unless you win the Lottery or an unusually publicized settlement from a major corporation, odds are that no one will know that you're rich. Most rich folk advertise their wealth with purchases of lake houses, fancy cars, and anything made of Alpaca. You, however, need to fast-track yourself to the ranks of the well-to-do, and that is why I suggest you buy some billboard space and take out a full page ad in USA today. I'm thinking of something along the lines of you in a tuxedo (or evening gown, possibly with a tiara, I don't know) clutching some cash and giving a thumbs up. Possible headlines could read "I'm rich now" or "More Money than God" or even the slightly offensive "Up yours!".

Poor people are usually ugly. Well, actually, people are usually ugly (just going with the statistics here). Assuming you're ugly you might want to change that now, since you can afford it. Face lifts, tummy tucks, anal bleaching, whatever it takes. You're rich now, you want people to like you for your looks, not for your money.

Most uneducated, worthless people who fall into money lose it because they think they have an unlimited supply. This goes without saying, obviously, because those who cannot comprehend numbers beyond one thousand will reason that a few million is infinity. I highly recommend getting a financial manager. Keep in mind that you can't trust just any 'ole licensed, bonded financial manager with your millions of smackers. You need someone you can trust- someone you've known for a while. How about your stepfather?

There are two types of wealthy- Greedy and Lazy. You've never been greedy (thank God) so you're satisfied with simply having an infinite supply of money. You quit your job and you sleep 10 hours a day, which is a good start, but remember that there are 24 hours in a day. 24 minus 10 is, ummm, 14, and if you subtract time spent eating and drinking that leaves about, ohhh I'd say 5 hours with nothing to do. Why not spend some money on Jet Skis? While you're thinking about that I will write out a shopping list for your consideration:

1. Ski Boat
2. Hot Tub
3. Expensive Dogs. English Bulldogs are a good choice, as they are often born via C-Section ($$$)
4. Everything in SkyMall
5. Guns
   
6. Your very own Costco Store

The law is often an afterthought for obscenely wealthy humans. It stands to reason that with enough money you should be able to get away with anything. Examples of moneyed persons skirting common justice are plentiful, but buying your freedom is not a given. The best thing you can do is remain lawful. If you feel the need, the need for speed, then at least make sure you haven't been drinking, and possibly send your lawyer a text message before you get behind the wheel. This way your bail will have been posted by the time you are taken to the station. You'd be amazed at how much time simple planning can save you.

Surprisingly, the insanely rich often succumb to the lure of gambling. All of the pretty lights in Las Vegas can turn your piles of gold into multiple sub-prime mortgages. Why not set up your own casino? If you gamble against yourself you can't lose!

One final thought- Be creative. Everyone loves an eccentric rich person.

Christmas Card

Happy Holidays!
It's Thanksgiving once again and I am filled with holiday spirit. Like most of the country I'm sure you're out of town visiting relatives. Did bad weather or crowded airports affect your holiday travel at all?
I'm staying home this holiday season. The nutcracker suite is playing through my head as I sneak through your house looking for valuables.

Christmas Blues

I asked Santa to bring me true love this Christmas. He sighed and his face turned somber. "There is no such thing as true love" he said, and he stood up and motioned towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked. "Aren't you forgetting dessert?"

It was warm inside the cabin and Santa had consequently stripped down to a tank-top and boxer shorts. He did not immediately respond to my question as he was pulling on his red, furry jumper. "I should get going... I have a big day tomorrow." He tipped his hat to me and waddled out the door. I should have known better.

The next morning there was an email in my inbox with the subject "Moving on". Santa broke up with me.

Lay off me I'm starving

Ever since I was a little girl, I had always wanted a pony. Each year, as I celebrated New Years alone I realized that my dream was becoming less and less a reality. Coping is a unique human trait. Fortunately I learned to settle for what the sweet lord Jesus has provided for me thus far. My job, the clothes, the vacation house, and my cachet of meaningless physical relationships are enough to keep my mind off of that which is lacking in my life.

This morning I woke early (thank you daylight savings time) and as I watched the water in the bathtub drain I decided that today I would leave the house sans-underwear. Indian summers bring out the worst in me.

Therapy went by really fast today. We talked about my childhood pets. I used to have a canary named Beth, but someone decided to let her out of her cage when I was 7. Happy birthday to me.

At work I decided to go to lunch with my friend Stephanie. We both had pasta. During lunch we talked about our dream jobs, and men. After lunch we walked to Macy's and bought snowsuits.

At work we have a male receptionist named Evan. I wonder what he would look like wearing lipstick and a skirt.

Dumbledore - "I have always been gay."

The biggest news to hit the magic community since the Sorceror's Stone is sending shockwaves through wizards and muggles alike. Chamber of secrets? Not anymore. It's official, Dumbledore is gay. Sources close to Dumbledore say that they have known about his sexual orientation for a while, and that due to his increasingly flamboyant tendencies it was only a matter of time before the truth came out.

Officials speculate that this news will hurt enrollment at an already financially strapped Hogwarts Academy. If that weren't bad enough, alumni support is expected to drop to an all time low. Administrators have called an emergency meeting to discuss a plan of action. Unofficial word is that Hogwarts administration is planning to support Dumbledore in his decision to come out of the closet, although they are facing unknown results in what could be a crucial year for Wizard Academies.

Some sources have said that Dumbledore isn't actually gay. Rather, this announcement is a strategic move to position himself for a big payoff from Hogwarts in the event that he is unjustly fired. Citing alleged massive gambling debts and an addiction to barbituates, former accountant Ray Blackman believes Dumbledore is in serious financial trouble, and this is nothing more than a cry for help.

Recent polls across the Wizard community have indicated that a majority still do not approve of the homosexual lifestyle despite vast advances of the gay agenda in the Muggle world. If this is the case, Dumbledore may find himself a victim of ridicule, discrimination, and possibly hate crimes. No one knows what to expect in the coming months, but one thing is for sure- good or bad, Wizards everywhere will never be the same.

top nine reasons to give your life to Jesus

9 - Sinning isn't as fun as it used to be
8 - You're kind of ugly and dating is a real chore
7 - You don't like making life decisions
6 - You're uncomfortable wearing tight or revealing clothing
5 - You need another way (other than environmentalism) to make your friends feel inferior
4 - You think a Jesus fish would look good on your Camry
3 - You heard that religious girls are the most freaky
2 - Long hair and beards appeal to you more now than they did when you were younger
1 - You don't want to go to Hell

bark if you like me

Happy Valentines Day everybody.

Diaper Duty

At the onset of 2006 I changed my diaper. My diaper was dirty, and my butt was getting sore from walking around with a full load. I've been wearing this new diaper since March and its starting to get unbearable. This new diaper is a cheaper brand, which means it can't hold leaks as well as the old diaper. To give you an idea of the comparative qualities of the two diapers, the old diaper lasted 3 years whereas this new diaper is going to burst in half that.

So here I am, diaper getting full, and I have a decision to make. Do I powder up, put on a new diaper and continue to soil myself? Or do I try to potty-train with the hope that one day I will wear big-boy pants?

Save the date

New Years is around the corner and I'm already sending out invitations to my party. You play your cards right and you may just get one. Yesterday I started stocking up on supplies. My shopping list got a little out of control- see for yourself:

• Folding Chairs
• Fireworks
• Streamers
• Napkins featuring Adult-themed trivia
  
• Mistletoe "pills"
• Deli Tray
• Tape Cassette Player Machine
• Toilet Paper
• Hummus
• Piping Bag
• Potato Chips
• Ice Sculpture
• Zorro Mask
• New Jeans

There will be a $20 cover at the door. Did I mention there will be no alcohol?

Sensitive

Chuck: If you could go back in time to prevent the Holocaust, would you?

Larry: No.

Chuck: Are you kidding me? 6 million people died and you wouldn't try to stop it?

Larry: Ok then, I would.

Chuck: Really? How would you do it? One man against an army of Nazis? You wouldn't stand a chance!

Larry: What the hell do you want from me?

Sunday

I'm in Starbucks again. The same Starbucks that I spoke of yesterday. The retard behind the counter poured me some weak-ass coffee. The reason being, and I saw it coming, that he started it brewing and poured my cup shortly thereafter, which makes for a weak cup of coffee. I guess I'll get a refill. They're playing music in the background today… thank God.

I didn't do a Goddamn thing yesterday. I went back home after coffee and I watched TV and/or messed around on the internet for the remainder of the day. At one point I took an hour-long nap. At another point I ate an extra large pizza from Papa Johns. It was topped with tomatos and black olives. After the first two slices I began dumping crushed red peppers on it. I figured I needed to experience some pain while doing such a dastardly deed.

I watched the movie "Hulk" during yesterday's sloth-fest. It wasn't terrible. Ok, it was terrible.

I can't wait to take a dump… exercise my demons. I can feel the fires burning. I guess that was just a fart. I'm dirty. I haven't taken a shower since Friday morning. I like what I'm wearing. I live in such a small world. There is so much I don't know and I like that.

Saturday

I just yanked a bagel from my apartment complex and carried it in my coat pocket to Starbucks, where I am now eating it. It's pretty good, too. I think I'm on to something here.

Writing may be as good as talking- perhaps better. I've been a tad frustrated lately when I hang around by myself because I have no release. The only way I could think of to get release was to strike up a conversation with someone. That is all well and good, but sometimes that can be painful to initiate. Now that I've started writing again, I'm able to find release, and it puts me in such a mental state that I wouldn't feel the hunger pains of social interaction. Yes, I think I may be on to something here.

There aren't many people here. There are never many people at this Starbucks. I don't exactly know why, but it can't help to have some of the most sour, ungrateful and mean-looking employees working here. There is an older couple sitting to my left. I bet they're staying at the hotel Magnolia, which makes up for the vast majority of the building that houses this particular Starbucks. They were talking but now they've stopped. I think they were arguing a few minutes ago.

A crazy homeless man just walked in, swearing at some figment of his imagination. He set his dufflebag down below the table by the window facing Commerce street. The older couple are definitely staying at this hotel, as I was able to conclude from what she just said- "I'm going up to the room to get some Tylenol."

The crazy homeless man is busy rifling through his dufflebag. I don't think he ever got any coffee or anything. He must be seeking shelter.

This Starbucks should be really cool but it isn't. I don't know exactly what's missing. One thing that is bothering me is that there is no background music. This makes for an eerie backdrop of noise. It also makes the locale seem less alive.

The Crazy Homeless man just walked by and muttered "Tall motherfucker…" under his breath. I don't know if he was referring to me. After all, I am of modest height; but then again, he is crazy. It turns out he did get something. It looks like a Grande-sized drink and some sort of crumbly pastry. He drinks his coffee without a lid. In between sips he rubs his face violently with his hands. Yep, crazy.

As time passes I feel the urge to find a bathroom. The coffee is beginning to take form in my digestive system, or my intestines, err whatever. Luckily I live close to here. I should make this my official Starbucks, but I really don't like the people that work here.

Climbers

I hate climbers.

Crap Shoot

It's been in the news lately that blogging can get you fired- especially if you vent about your company, boss, and/or coworkers. Well, I'm going to throw caution to the wind and really let my feelings out...

My manager's really been riding my ass lately. "Old Lady Griswold" - I call her, even though she's only 34 and her last name is Perkins. She get's so upset over the smallest things- like when I poured ketchup into the deep-fat-fryer, or how I show up 15-20 minutes late for my shifts, or that time when I poured Mustard into the deep-fat-fryer. She calls me out in front of my colleagues and in front of customers. I swear, she has no tact. One time, when she caught me reading magazines in the deep freeze, she flipped! She actually threw a fork at me. I think she was trying to kill me. Since I am a pacifist, I didn't fight back- instead I just showed Carl (the busboy) some of the naked pictures I took of her when we dated a few years back.

I forgot to mention that I had dated her for 5 months in 2003. She actually got me this job. But soon after we started working together our relationship started to fall apart. She claimed that I hit on some of the female customers and that I was disrespectful to her position in the restaurant just because I was her boyfriend. It's not that I wanted special treatment from her in the workplace, but I think she was extra hard on me just because she didn't want the other employees to think she was favoring me. When I finally ended our relationship she broke down in tears and begged me not to dump her...but she came to terms with it pretty well- especially after she found out that I had been boinking the new hostess, Wanda. I just hope she never thinks to tell Wanda's fiance about it- because that dude is huge and has anger problems. I think he could kill me.

I think our relationship was doomed from the beginning because she was so much older than me. She thought that she could boss me around and keep me from cheating on her. Well guess what? I'm my own man. Nobody tells me what to do. Oooh speaking of which I have to be at work in 5 minutes... shit.

alarming

Finished another day. Worthless. I have no desire to see anyone for a while. I need a good dose of alone time. Sudden broad social activity has invaded my familiarity with solitude. Sudden social activity- awkward and somehow more isolating. I just can't see the good in things right now. I don't know what my problem is. I need a good solid beating.

temp job

It's come to my attention that I could be tried as an adult if I were ever to be prosecuted for some reason. I don't feel like an adult. I feel like a teenager. When I was a teenager I felt like a little kid. I've got reverse alzheimer's disease. .. and erectile dysfunction. Wait, scratch that last one, my erectile is working again.

I dislike the term "Crush" as in "I have a 'crush' on so-and-so." It just sounds so girly. I guess that makes it ok for girls to use it in their everyday speech. So very tired.

West Bound with my Strikes

Uhhhh, Hello. This is Sal Melello from the Mellelo Coffe Company out by Costco, and I was just returning your call. I heard you were interested in working on weekends up at our downtown store. Well, it just so happens that I can't use anybody else there right nooowwww. However, I could use someone to work at the Library Stand on weekends. We just opened a few months ago and we're still working out the kinks, but I need a few more people to get on board as business picks up this winter. So, if you're interested, just give me a call back here at the Central Point store or stop in on Tuesday at the City Library. I'll be there from 8:00AM til 6:ooPM. Thaaaannnnks.

paranoia

I am under the impression that right now, as I type this, there are two or more people laughing at me or making jokes at my expense. Is this irrational? Maybe. But what if it's true? What if I'm the butt of jokes? If I go along thinking that everything's fine, and that no one is poking fun at me, then that will just make things worse. They'll laugh harder and longer and I'll still be clueless. Someday the massive joke conspiracy against me will be exposed- which, in turn, will cause my untimely death. Death from humiliation.