alarming

Finished another day. Worthless. I have no desire to see anyone for a while. I need a good dose of alone time. Sudden broad social activity has invaded my familiarity with solitude. Sudden social activity- awkward and somehow more isolating. I just can't see the good in things right now. I don't know what my problem is. I need a good solid beating.

temp job

It's come to my attention that I could be tried as an adult if I were ever to be prosecuted for some reason. I don't feel like an adult. I feel like a teenager. When I was a teenager I felt like a little kid. I've got reverse alzheimer's disease. .. and erectile dysfunction. Wait, scratch that last one, my erectile is working again.

I dislike the term "Crush" as in "I have a 'crush' on so-and-so." It just sounds so girly. I guess that makes it ok for girls to use it in their everyday speech. So very tired.

West Bound with my Strikes

Uhhhh, Hello. This is Sal Melello from the Mellelo Coffe Company out by Costco, and I was just returning your call. I heard you were interested in working on weekends up at our downtown store. Well, it just so happens that I can't use anybody else there right nooowwww. However, I could use someone to work at the Library Stand on weekends. We just opened a few months ago and we're still working out the kinks, but I need a few more people to get on board as business picks up this winter. So, if you're interested, just give me a call back here at the Central Point store or stop in on Tuesday at the City Library. I'll be there from 8:00AM til 6:ooPM. Thaaaannnnks.

paranoia

I am under the impression that right now, as I type this, there are two or more people laughing at me or making jokes at my expense. Is this irrational? Maybe. But what if it's true? What if I'm the butt of jokes? If I go along thinking that everything's fine, and that no one is poking fun at me, then that will just make things worse. They'll laugh harder and longer and I'll still be clueless. Someday the massive joke conspiracy against me will be exposed- which, in turn, will cause my untimely death. Death from humiliation.

Screenplay

Rachel: (Smug) Well Hello... I thought you were never coming back.

Mark: (Apologetic) I thought so too. Rachel, I've been a fool... A fool for leaving you.

Rachel: So now you expect me to forgive you for everything you've done just because you walked through that door and apologized?

Mark: (Confused) Well, I uh-

Rachel: (Angry) No, Mark. I'm not letting you back in. This will continue to happen and I can't take that. I don't think you will EVER change.

Mark: (Even more confused) But Darlin'... I HAVE changed. I realized a few things out on the road. I needed some time to clear my head- to figure a few things out.

Rachel: You know what? I don't CARE! You had your chance, and you WASTED it. I won't let you destroy whats left of my life. I need to move on.

Mark: (Explodes with rage) FINE, BITCH! I tried goddamnit. I tried to fix things. You'll be sorry! (Slams the door as he leaves)

Rachel: (Distraught- In between sobbing) What have I done?

.....to be continued...

YMCA

There are several characters at the YMCA that really get on my nerves. First and foremost on my list is the old guy who wears tiny little spandex shorts. He is there, without fail, everytime I go. He runs around the track as fast as his feeble old legs will take him. He has a really high pitched voice- tainted by a ridiculous southern accent. The only reason I know this is because every once in a while my mp3 player will run low on batteries and leave me naked to the sounds of the gym.

My greatest problem with this guy, of course, is the fact that he wears tiny little spandex shorts. They are essentially briefs. If you ever watched WWF wrestling back in its heyday- Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Junkyard Dog, etc... you would recognize his shorts as being "Wrestlers' Undies". This is completely unacceptable. Everytime I see him I convince myself a little more to hate him.

Second on my list is a crippled guy who I think might be a trainer of some sort. He rolls around in a go-cart and gets up every now and then to hobble around and get in someone's face to tell them how to lift weights properly. He is a large man with a buzz-cut. He wears glasses and most days he wears really high socks of different color, green on one side, red on the other. In one arm he has a crutch with a forearm brace that he uses to support himself as he hobbles around. His legs are crippled- specifically the right one (I think). I often wonder if he once was a successful bodybuilder who was tragically crushed in some accident. But if you ever hear him talk or interact with people, you might guess he has some sort of crippling disease (he sounds borderline retarded). Why is this guy on my shitlist? Again, he's always there, and you know what they say, "Familiarity breeds contempt." Also, one time I was using the leg press machine and he came up and scolded me for not letting people get on in between sets during peak hours. It really pissed me off for some reason.

Finally (actually there are more but for this entry I will only discuss 3) there is the lady that walks on the good treadmill. This lady has an infant daughter (or son) whom she drops off at the little daycare facility inside the YMCA before she proceeds to hog the good treadmill. The worst thing of all is that she WALKS on it. No running, occaisionally a slight jog, but that is very rare. Normally this would only make me moderately angry, but seeing as there is only ONE treadmill of this type in the entire complex, it really annoys me. She reminds me of the red-haired girl from "Sex in the City." She is fatter and uglier, but just as snooty and self-important as the character in the show. Just looking at this lady makes me tingle with hate.

There. I feel better now.

Nobody Loves me but my Mother

...and sometimes I think she could be jiving too.

I don't want to see "Ocean's Twelve"

Am I the only person who doesn't like Julia Roberts, George Clooney, and Matt Damon? I saw "Ocean's 11", and it was fine. It was unnessecarily stylish and narcissistic, but it was entertaining. But this was at a time (a year or so ago) when grossly overcasted heist movies weren't the standard.

Nowadays it's all heist movies. Slick hiest movies. Slick hiest movies with not just one big-time blockbuster star, but 4 or 5 or 10. They're all pretty much the same, too. Right down to the "Crazy Twist" at the end. Even the twist is completely predictable. Ooooh there's a double cross! Uh OH! But Clooney had a trick up his sleeve.. Marvelous! Give me a MFing break.

Up Yours Hollywood!

I Give Up

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls, Children of all ages.... It's official. I give up.

After years and years of trying- putting out more than a modest effort in most everything I do, I've finally realized that it's futile, pointless, and without meaning. From now on I will live a meek, dull, and joyless life without the highs and lows that come from excitement and adventure. My path henceforth will be straight, narrow, flat, and dry.

So good luck in all of your future endeavors and perhaps I'll see you on the other side.

Love,

Mustainefan

I Think I'm a Big Man

Looking around I see nothing but softies... People who can't hack it. Although I'm not really sure what "It" is, I'm sure we can all agree that not being able to hack "It" is a bad thing. Everyone around me is weak and buckle at even the slightest external pressure. I think I'm a big man.
I maintain a reckless sense of self confidence that sets me above my peers. Is your job really stressful right now? Are you being asked to do too much at the workplace? I bet I could handle it just fine. The holiday season is coming up... will you be able to afford all of the Christmas presents that you're obligated to buy? I can guarantee you that no one on my Christmas list is going to be disappointed.

Why am I better than you? It's all attitude, baby...

Awkward Non-Sexual Relationships

Awkward, non-sexual relationships are like a disease. Not a disease like rabies or breast cancer, but more like a disease of the mind...Alzheimer's if you will. They cripple you- and, over time, you deteriorate into a blathering fool who can't tell up from down, right from left, sweet from sour. They're addictive...and destructive.

We're all familiar with the stereotypical male-female relationship in which one party (usually the male) is using the other for sex or sexual favors. This happens all the time, and for the most part, as a society, we're OK with it.

The awkward non-sexual relationship has a similar setup- a standard male-female relationship, with one party using the other... But this time it's often the female using the male for "Non-sex", or "companionship" as you might guess.

The awkward non-sexual relationship starts off like a normal relationship might. And for the first few "non-dates" you might think to yourself, "This is going somewhere." Your non-dates consist of very wholesome activities, such as playing tennis, going bowling, watching movies, playing

board games and (even though you might not care to admit it) going on picnics. But as a normal relationship progresses from there, the awkward non-sexual relationship just festers...more and more board games, lame romantic comedies, and before you know it, even the thought of picnic food makes you sick to your stomach.

Now at this point the average reader might be thinking to him/herself... "What's wrong with going to movies and picnics? That sounds fun." The problem, my friend, is that an awkward non-sexual relationship monopolizes your time. That's where the "Awkward" part comes in.

You can easily have a non-sexual relationship and not feel the ill effects of an AWKWARD non-sexual relationship. The difference is the frequency of your outings. In a plain non-sexual relationship you don't see each other but maybe once or twice a week. Awkwardness is created by the persistence of time. The more and more time you spend together, the more comfortable you get. In turn, you start to think that sexual activities are fair game. And when it turns out you're wrong, you get frustrated.

Thus far it would seem that the awkward non-sexual relationship is only awkward and frustrating from the male point of view. This is definitely NOT the case. A lot of girls out there are stuck with deadbeat male friends who won't give it up. My powerful insight leads me to believe that there are two mutually exclusive sources for this- One, the dude is not attracted to the girl (i.e. she is a fat girl) or Two, he is a gayrod.

"OK, mustainefan, so now I know all about awkward non-sexual relationships, so what should I do?"
The answer is simple, my friend...CUT IT OFF NOW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP IT. You'll thank me later...

Thoughts for the Day

Let's see...whats in the news today...

Well, it looks like Liza Minelli is in trouble.....AGAIN! It appears that she is being sued for sexual harassment for damages totaling $100 million. Her former chauffer/bodyguard allegedly was forced to engage in sexual relations with the singer. And if that weren't enough, she allegedly beat him during extended periods of drunken rage. I hope he wins, too, because it will be hard to find another bodyguard gig once the word gets out that Liza Minelli kicked his ass.

Hmmm...what else....

I had a dream last night that I was back on the farm, and we (pops and I) were trying to load a bull into a livestock trailer in order to take it to the auction out in Central Point. The trailer that came to our house was this huge semi with giant wheels. It was so big, in fact, that I didn't think the bull would be able to get up there... While I was trying to think of a way to get the bull into the trailer, I woke from the dream and I really had to go to the bathroom.

Cram Session

	"Move into the light, my son..."
...Said the kindly old man.
	I wake up thirty years later. "I've come for your babies, maam."

I'm sick of fat girls

I've been thinking a lot lately. I have been trying to find the source of my complete lack of motivation and my loss of love for my fellow human being. I'm becoming more and more apathetic and have developed some real nasty anti-social tendencies. I've looked deep within my soul to see if there's something I'm missing. Did my parents deprive me of love and reassurance? Did they give me enough hugs? Nonsense! I was the recipient of a very loving childhood so that cannot be the source. It must be a current malady that takes away my will. As of today (and the recent past) I have not been engaging in the healthiest of activities... Perhaps I spend too much time alone, perhaps I watch too much TV, maybe I don't get out enough, it's even possible that I live in the wrong city. But given all of these externalities I think I've discovered a common theme that gives rise to my discontent... I'm sick of Fat Girls.

Fat Girls on the streets, Fat Girls at work, Fat Girls in restaurants, Fat Girls in bars, Fat Girls in my neighborhood (or so I hypothesize- I haven't really met too many of my neighbors)...so much fat. They walk around like nothing's wrong and then they smile at you like they think they have a chance of being your friend. I cannot bear to even look them in the face. It drains my power.

So often I hear a fat girl make rude remarks about thin girls... "That girl must throw up after every meal" or "Her family must have been too poor to feed her well" or "What a stupid, skinny bitch!" Their claim is that being thin is unnatural. Bullshit. Eating like a pig is unnatural. Exhibiting absolutely zero self-restraint is unnatural. Not engaging in physical activity is unnatural. Eating nothing but cheese and white bread is unnatural. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that one person can behave like someone else and expect to maintain a similar body type. Different people have to do different things. Some have to work harder than others. But the bottom line is- you can control it. I know, I used to be a fat guy.

Also, if you've ever been around a fat girl, I bet you've heard a million excuses for why they never exercise, or why they eat all the wrong foods... "I'm too busy" "I love queso too much" "I'm always too tired at the end of the day" "I'll start next week" You'll start nothing. All you do is talk. Talk talk talk talk. Shut your face.

I see all these fat girls everyday and they outnumber the thin girls 6 to 1. And the fact that they're fat makes the ratio look even worse. I have no reason to try and impress a fat girl, so consequently my motivation to dress nice, bathe, brush my teeth, get haircuts, and to engage in any other form of personal hygeine goes right down the drain. I've lost all hope.

My Saturday Night

"Dude, she's taken, but hey, no hard feelings, right? Here, have a shot on me..."

"Oh hi, my name is Kari... Yes I do love Phil Collins, I think he's great- in fact, my boyfriend and I just saw him in concert last month... You should meet some of my friends..."

"Hiiiiiiii Greg... do you like Chuy's? We just LOVE their Queso! HEY, we should go there next week..."

Necessity is the mother of invention

Mustainefan's Weekly Advice

Dear MustaineFan: I am in total love with a senior. Im a freshman. THe problem is he is totally not my type, My parents definatly would not aprove of him,and my parents wont let me date seniors. The problem isnt my parents though! Its me wodering why in the world do I like him??? I Cant help it though! It just happened. I have no classes with him and My friend sees him about 10 times a day and is fairly aquainted with him? He dosnt know im alive! how can I get him to notice me and If he ever does then my parents..........!!!! HELP!!!!!

Anxiously Yours,

Good Girl Gone Bad

MustaineFan: Dear Good Girl,

I appreciate your request for advice. Your question is a great set-up for many harsh insults, and I would LOVE to make the most of it. HOWEVER, I am no longer bitter, so I will tell you this- Just start dating that nerdy kid who hangs around you constantly, pretending to be your platonic best friend. Do something nice to someone else for a change.

Post-Euphoric Distress

Coming off an all-time high. I was dead and now I'm alive. I've been resurrected. Forget STDs...you can get in a worse funk just from spending a lot of time with a shitty girl. I'd rather it hurt when I pee than to have no will to live. I'm better now, though. My faith in humanity is back at a healthy 45%.

OGRE, OGRE

I had a dream last night that I was a proud ogre warrior (See Artist's Conception) from a mythical region of ancient Mesopotamia. It was odd because everyone knows that ogres aren't from Mesopotamia- they traditionally hail from Western European areas. Anyways, in my dream I came from Ancient Mesopotamia. I lived near a small village called Udell.



Now of course in those days ogres weren't allowed in the villages. They kept to the woods and roamed in small circles of four or five. Occasionally you might find a rogue ogre, or "ROGRE" (as they were affectionately called) carrying about by himself. In my dream I was a Rogre. However, as the ploit thickened I was forced to join up with the townsfolk of Udell to battle the Evil Wizard Lionel who had cast a spell upon the entire region of Wilpot. Udell was the largest town in all of Wilpot. The Evil Wizard Lionel's spell turned all of the men of Wilpot into Stone so he could ravish the countryside un-challenged. What he did not realize was that his spells would never affect ogres...but even if he had, he would not have cared because any given ogre would not be bothered if some wizard went around ravishing townsfolk. An ogre only cares about himself and perhaps a few other ogres.

It just so happens that I was a unique ogre in that I had fallen in love with a village girl named Rue. Rue was a milkmaid of common blood and she lived with her family in Udell on the lower west side, near the butcher shop. I know this because sometimes at night I would sneak into town and steal meat. The butcher always left his stable unlocked and you could get into the shop through the stable. I met Rue the night of my first meat robbery. She threatened to scream and wake the town. I told her if she didn't I would give her a sack of appleblossoms that I had found in someone's wagon. She agreed and I knew then that we were destined to be together- ogre and wife. Unfortunately I learned later that she was to be married to Trudeau, the son of Lord Fontane.

Trudeau was an Asshole. He was a notorious bastard about the town. So you could imagine my delight when I first heard about the Evil Wizard Lionel's Spell. I thought to my self, "Ha, that gayrod Trudeau is a big, stone, fucker right now, isn't he?" But when Rue told me of the grief and horror that Lionel's spell had brought, I had to do something....for her...even if it meant Trudeau would come back to life and marry her and have sex with her and make me so jealous...OOOHHHH!!!!!

Ellemenopee

Alrighty Boys and Girls. I haven't written an entry in quite some time now. I've been in hiding. "Hiding from what?" -you might ask. Hiding from my feelings. Yes, that's right, I have feelings. My most pre-dominant feeling is hunger. I'm hungry right now, in fact. I could really go for a pile of mexican food. Maybe some cornbread would do the trick. You see that little pie serving spatula-thingy up there in that picture? Look up... Yeah, I'm gonna slap your bare butt with that thing. Then we'll see who gets the remote control tonight.

Climbing Back Onto the Horse

Recovery is my greatest talent.  Life serves me a pile of shit, I eat it, get sick, and then I spend a few weeks nursing myself back to full health.  I do this without fail.