My Saturday Night

"Dude, she's taken, but hey, no hard feelings, right? Here, have a shot on me..."

"Oh hi, my name is Kari... Yes I do love Phil Collins, I think he's great- in fact, my boyfriend and I just saw him in concert last month... You should meet some of my friends..."

"Hiiiiiiii Greg... do you like Chuy's? We just LOVE their Queso! HEY, we should go there next week..."

Necessity is the mother of invention

Mustainefan's Weekly Advice

Dear MustaineFan: I am in total love with a senior. Im a freshman. THe problem is he is totally not my type, My parents definatly would not aprove of him,and my parents wont let me date seniors. The problem isnt my parents though! Its me wodering why in the world do I like him??? I Cant help it though! It just happened. I have no classes with him and My friend sees him about 10 times a day and is fairly aquainted with him? He dosnt know im alive! how can I get him to notice me and If he ever does then my parents..........!!!! HELP!!!!!

Anxiously Yours,

Good Girl Gone Bad

MustaineFan: Dear Good Girl,

I appreciate your request for advice. Your question is a great set-up for many harsh insults, and I would LOVE to make the most of it. HOWEVER, I am no longer bitter, so I will tell you this- Just start dating that nerdy kid who hangs around you constantly, pretending to be your platonic best friend. Do something nice to someone else for a change.

Post-Euphoric Distress

Coming off an all-time high. I was dead and now I'm alive. I've been resurrected. Forget STDs...you can get in a worse funk just from spending a lot of time with a shitty girl. I'd rather it hurt when I pee than to have no will to live. I'm better now, though. My faith in humanity is back at a healthy 45%.

OGRE, OGRE

I had a dream last night that I was a proud ogre warrior (See Artist's Conception) from a mythical region of ancient Mesopotamia. It was odd because everyone knows that ogres aren't from Mesopotamia- they traditionally hail from Western European areas. Anyways, in my dream I came from Ancient Mesopotamia. I lived near a small village called Udell.



Now of course in those days ogres weren't allowed in the villages. They kept to the woods and roamed in small circles of four or five. Occasionally you might find a rogue ogre, or "ROGRE" (as they were affectionately called) carrying about by himself. In my dream I was a Rogre. However, as the ploit thickened I was forced to join up with the townsfolk of Udell to battle the Evil Wizard Lionel who had cast a spell upon the entire region of Wilpot. Udell was the largest town in all of Wilpot. The Evil Wizard Lionel's spell turned all of the men of Wilpot into Stone so he could ravish the countryside un-challenged. What he did not realize was that his spells would never affect ogres...but even if he had, he would not have cared because any given ogre would not be bothered if some wizard went around ravishing townsfolk. An ogre only cares about himself and perhaps a few other ogres.

It just so happens that I was a unique ogre in that I had fallen in love with a village girl named Rue. Rue was a milkmaid of common blood and she lived with her family in Udell on the lower west side, near the butcher shop. I know this because sometimes at night I would sneak into town and steal meat. The butcher always left his stable unlocked and you could get into the shop through the stable. I met Rue the night of my first meat robbery. She threatened to scream and wake the town. I told her if she didn't I would give her a sack of appleblossoms that I had found in someone's wagon. She agreed and I knew then that we were destined to be together- ogre and wife. Unfortunately I learned later that she was to be married to Trudeau, the son of Lord Fontane.

Trudeau was an Asshole. He was a notorious bastard about the town. So you could imagine my delight when I first heard about the Evil Wizard Lionel's Spell. I thought to my self, "Ha, that gayrod Trudeau is a big, stone, fucker right now, isn't he?" But when Rue told me of the grief and horror that Lionel's spell had brought, I had to do something....for her...even if it meant Trudeau would come back to life and marry her and have sex with her and make me so jealous...OOOHHHH!!!!!

Ellemenopee

Alrighty Boys and Girls. I haven't written an entry in quite some time now. I've been in hiding. "Hiding from what?" -you might ask. Hiding from my feelings. Yes, that's right, I have feelings. My most pre-dominant feeling is hunger. I'm hungry right now, in fact. I could really go for a pile of mexican food. Maybe some cornbread would do the trick. You see that little pie serving spatula-thingy up there in that picture? Look up... Yeah, I'm gonna slap your bare butt with that thing. Then we'll see who gets the remote control tonight.

Climbing Back Onto the Horse

Recovery is my greatest talent.  Life serves me a pile of shit, I eat it, get sick, and then I spend a few weeks nursing myself back to full health.  I do this without fail. 

 

 

Mattress Laaand

Perhaps I have the coffee jitters... maybe I'm suffering from lack of attention... I might have rabies. I'm an animal today. My appetites consume me, yet I'm stuck in my chair, in my cube, in the office, in the city.... I should be out in the woods, running around and attacking things like the animal I've become. I need to take and destroy at will. Why am I such a wussy?

Tidbits

Hungry Dog. Did you know that dogs eat more in the winter without gaining weight? They require the food due to the energy needed to keep warm in the winter.

Taken from "Dog Advice From Hobo the Bearded Collie"

finger

I woke up groggy, listened to "Rust In Peace" while I Brushed My Teeth.

I found $4 in my work pants. I wish I didn't have to wear pants to work. I want to wear shorts. I want to wear shorts and hooded sweatshirts. It's too hot to wear hooded sweatshirts though. But I always feel super cool with shorts and a hooded sweatshirt on.

Sqwank

Robble Robble.

"I (insert name) do solemnly swear to uphold the
office of head buttlicker"

"This town needs an enema!"

MOMENT of TRUTH

Hello boys and girls,

I want to take a moment now to get serious for a few minutes. I want to take the time to talk to you rather than at you. I am well aware that my readers expect a certain level of sincerity and I want you all to know that I love each and every one of you. When I say "love" I don't mean "Eros"- physical or romantic love, but rather "Phileo", or Brotherly Love.

You may have noticed a few reoccurring themes throughout this web log. First, do I have a fascination with retards? YES. I do. So what? I don't know exactly where it comes from. I do know it comes from one or all of several sources...

My first exposure to a retard occurred when I was in kindergarten. Back then (and maybe still now) the retards were educated alongside the normal kids. We ate lunch with them, we had recess with them. The retard that I remember most vividly from this time was a particularly agressive one. Kids are cruel to other kids, and they are even more so when those kids are retards. The normal kids would harass this retard mercilessly. Being as agressive as he naturally was, he would often lash out at them in defense of his honor, or in defense of the retarded girl that he clung to (or who clung to him).

In any case, he was a force to be reckoned with. He developed a reputation of being super strong. We didn't know how strong, but we weren't about to find out. I was scared of him- if for nothing else but the fact that you couldn't reason with a retard. I maintain that retards are super strong to this day because of my experiences in kindergarten.

Another retard of note from my life experience is Corky from the popular TV show "Life Goes On." I didn't like this show, one reason being that it was on Sunday nights, also because it was usually depressing, but mostly because it tackled "issues". However, because the show was so popular, it served as a great reference point for all retard jokes. For example, I would mimic Corky's voice often (I was not the only one) in making fun of other people...like, if someone dropped their notebook in the middle of class I might say, "My name is (insert name), I dropped my notebooooook..." in Corky's voice. It still gets laughs to this day.

I could go on and on about the various retards who have influenced me throughout my life, but the preceding two are the ones who made the most impact. Now that I've lost my train of thought and have run out of time, I will call it quits on this entry. Keep reading, and keep the e-mails coming.

Love,

MustaineFan

TIMELESS POETRY

My Brother, Mark Buttemucho, wrote this poem a few years ago. I believe it is a window into his soul...

retard

retard
standing on a building
walking up the panes of glass
reaching for the sky

maybe you think i am crazy
i am
i been walking this way for so long
i can't get any better
i am just trying to feel good

you see me living in the morning
so brilliant in the afternoon
nighttime comes and smashes the calm
time for rioting in the cafeterias
time to head to funkytown

there are people dancing in the streets
there are hotdogs all for sale
someone is taking down numbers
someone is stealing my chair

don't ask me any more questions
i am starting to feel sick
these feelings shouldn't be here
i locked them up so long ago

your latino bicycle has a flat tire
my tongue feels like its on fire
shave my head and paint me blue
i need to leave this dump
i need to get away from you

MustaineFan's Weekly Advice:

Dear MustaineFan: I am 17 and I like this guy who is 18 and is one of the managers where I work. I would say that he liked me butt there is one big problem that is in the way-his girlfriend of about 2 years, even though they are always in fights they remain together.He always flirts with me constantly. If I am upset about something he always knows even though my closest friend can never tell, and he always wants to know what's wrong and he tries everything that he can to make me laugh, no matter what it is. One day he called me Jessie and I hate being called that so I told him to call me Jessica because only certain people can call me Jessie and he pointed to my sister(she works there too) and I said know and he goes someone special and I said yes, and he goes can I? And I said no.And the next time he had to ask me to do something he started to call me Jessie but then he goes Jessica, then he asked me if I heard that and I said yes. Everyone thinks that I am super bitchy to him but I can't help it, I feel as though I have to be this way otherwise he will think that I like him which I don't want him to think, even though people have already told him. One morning when I was working and so was he some girl that was also working told him that he flirts to much with me and that I liked him and he said that she didn't know the whole story - well I don't even know the whole story I have no clue as to what he was talking about. I never get to see him except on weekends when I work and sometime not even then becuase we don't always work the same shifts and then I am sad. I guess you could say that we are friends and I am happy about that but I want to have more of a relationship. Another problem is that I am seeing this guy who lives 4 hours away for about 5 months now and I feel bad but I can't help it that I like this guy and that I have strong feelings for him. He always talks like we will get together and fool around sometime but we never do. One day he was like I stopped by your house the other night but you weren't home and I was going to ask you to come out and play (really he didn't) Another time he told me that he called that morning and the funny thing is someone really did call but they hung up but I don't know if it was him or not. I am so confused please help if you can it would be greatly appreciated.

Eagerly Yours,

Scatterbrain

MustaineFan: Dear Scatterbrain,

Are you sure you're not making this up? If a girl started rattling off some unintelligible crap like this to me I'd tell her to go play in the street. That said, what you should do is try this guy on for size. Invite him over while your parents are gone and give him a test drive- if you know what I mean. If there's chemistry, great, and if not it doesn't matter because NO OTHER MAN WILL HAVE YOU!

Masterpiece

This is Funny

damn

GOD DAMNIT MOTHER FUCKER. DIE! DIE! DIE! I am really angry right now for reasons I won't mention. There's a part of the movie "Amityville Horror" where star James Brolin is sitting there with his head in his hands and he suddenly begins ranting, saying "I'M COMING APART!!!!" I think of that scene often because I feel like I'm coming apart.

Nothing Beats the Hobo life...Stabbing folks with my hobo knife...

HAIRSTYLE OF THE WEEK

It's sweeping the Nation.

Derr

I feel much better now, thanks. I had a dream last night that
I was in someone's house and a group of 4 people- myself, two other dudes, and a girl were all watching TV. It was a shitty, old house and the TV was maybe a 25 incher. It was sitting atop a chest-high cabinet, which made viewing from the floor quite painful to my neck. For some reason, perhaps because it was cold, we were all in sleeping bags. I felt really dirty, like I hadn't showered in several days. I can't remember any more of the details, but I remember the girl told me that she thought my arms weren't very defined. I got upset and left.

MustaineFan's Weekly Advice:

Dear MustaineFan: I've been dating this guy for about four months now. We recently broke up due to some common problems. I have never cared about someone as much as I care for him. I don't see him everyday because we go to seperate schools. That makes it hard to keep a realationship going strong, but I was always trying. He's a really good football player, and after every, game girls would come up to him,and hug him, ect. I tryed my best not to get pissed. I don't know if he likes one of them know or what. So this weekend I went on a date, he found out and called that night. He got really jealous and ended up coming over after my date left. He says he loves me but theres so much he worries about. For instance, we're going to seperate colleges and there seven hours apart. I really need some advice. Do you think we still have a chance together?

Yours Truly,

Avid Reader

MustaineFan: Dear Avid Reader,

Ummm....No. Stop trying.

BAD DAY

You wake up and go to work. You have nothing to do so you sit in your cubicle surfing the internet. Everytime a new e-mail arrives you frantically open up outlook only to find a notice that thursday is Office Refrigerator Clean-out day. You try chatting online with other working friends yet they're all busier than you are. They don't respond immediately to your requests and you take that personally. 3 hours has gone by and you haven't actually talked with anyone. You sit there alone and are forced to think about your life.

Working out at lunch usually gives you release as you listen to music while physically squeezing some of the saved-up agression out of your body. But today your mp3 player decided to fuck up and not play properly so you were forced to listen to the grunts and panting of sweaty, old men and fat women trying to use the leg press machine.

Fuming with anger you walk, no, run back to the office in the rain and get in the elevator with 5 other people- who all happen to be going to various floors below yours. You're pissed for all of these things, yet you smile at the elderly secretary as you see her leaving the lunchroom. After you sit back down in your chair and log back onto your computer you see that no new e-mail and no new instant messages have accumulated in your absence. You want to go to sleep. You spend the next moments looking for suitable quotes to put on your website until your eyes begin to hurt. You go to the bathroom.

No one contacts you for the remainder of the day. You leave early and scowl at everyone you see on your way out. In the elevator you remove your belt and outer shirt and stuff them into your backpack. Walking home you feel insecure, like every passing car contains at least two people who are joking with each other at your expense.

You're angry at yourself.

LOVE TEST

I took an online love test. Here's the result:

"Your score is 53. Lust and love are easy to confuse. The biggest difference, love is kind, lust is intoxicating. Based on your answers it seems like you are more in lust than in love."

It seems even the internet is against me today...