I admit it

I am the Captain Stubbing of the Awkward Love Boat

Father Figure

I remember my most recent violent experience with discipline... It was a warm, sunny day and I had just finished lunch. I had the Spicy Salmon at 1st Ave Bento. In my haste I had left my foodbox on one of the tables in the lunchroom. Unbeknownst to me I had awakened the wrath of my violent father figure.... Greg Weber.

Long story short, he threw my waste right in my face in my cubicle... splattering soy sauce and tears all over. I still have nightmares.

I will cut your nuts off

The funniest story ever told

Guy 1: "I don't know, man... I don't know what it is about me, but I think that gay guys always hit on me at parties"

Guy 2: "What are you talking about?"

Guy 1: "Well, last night this dude comes up and starts asking me about music- specifically if I liked Pearl Jam. It just seemed weird, you know?"

Guy 3: "Wait, how do you know he was gay? Liking music doesn't make you gay."

Guy 1: "I just got a feeling from the whole thing. Besides, I think this has happened other times, at other parties. Do I look gay?"

Guy 3: "uh- nah, too easy. Honestly, I'm not really sure. My gaydar is terrible. I just assume that everyone is gay."

Guy 2: "Who was it? Do you remember his name?"

Guy 1: "No, I don't remember his name... but he was that guy wearing the T Shirt with the picture of the Hamburgular on it."

Guy 2: "Of course he's gay!!!! The Hamburgular steals the meat and hides it in the buns!!"

Guy 1, Guy 2, and Guy 3 all laughed until Guy 3's hernia burst and they had to drive him to the hospital. Guy 2 and Guy 3 later recorded a short but hilarious answering machine song message about this event. Guy 1 still wonders if people think he's gay.

Topics for discussion

Where do they find the British spare for each of the Judgment-Style Reality shows?

I think Tina Turner, Bette Midler, and Cher are sexy.

Whats more campy, the Batman movies with Val Kilmer and George Clooney, or the original Batman TV show?

I am all that is man

Mens room

The salt-and-pepper-haired older gentleman walked into the restroom with his younger, professionally goateed Apprentice.

"Would you like me to make you some lemonade?" Asked the Apprentice. "I make it extra salty..."

"Exsqueeze me?"

"Exactly....Exsqueeze me? EXACTLY"

The sound of running water finally ceased and the handicapped-accessible door mechanically wound itself closed. I slowly stepped off the toilet seat and peaked out the stall door. No one. I safely made my way back to my cubicle.

SICK

Life Imitates Art

4th of July

Like most good Americans I spent Independence Day eating and drinking stuff. I took time to reflect on my own independence- i.e. celebrating the fact that I don't need my mom to drive me around anymore.

Feeling unusually patriotic I decided to settle down and watch a movie. By some inexplicable miracle the Gods steered me towards the new Rambo movie. Now, I won't say it was the best movie I've ever seen, but I won't say it wasn't the best movie I've ever seen.

Too Cool for Mule

This girl is going to s*** a brick when her friends tell her its a donkey, not a pony. Happy Birthday!

Movie Ideas

DOUBLE STANDARD: It's a crime drama comedy. A craahmedy. Ricki and Jake Standard are tough-talking law-enforcing brothers who re-unite after their father's death to bring his murderer to justice. Did I mention that they are huge hypocrites?

FRIENDS- THE MOVIE: Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are all back together, only this time its on the big screen. Phoebe is having a destination wedding in Malaysia and everyone is making the trip to witness her nuptials. Drama ensues as Monica and Rachel quarrel over who gets to be Maid of Honor. Ross struggles to make it to the wedding after being mistakenly arrested for vandalism, and the airlines lose Chandler's luggage. Will Phoebe say "I do"? Will Ross make it in time for the wedding? How many local Malaysian girls will Joey score with? (I guarantee this movie would make a billion dollars on its opening weekend)

BABY MAMA: A successful business woman is running out of time and out of luck when it comes to marriage and family. She seeks out a young, wacky pregnant girl who wants to give up her baby for adop... Oh crap, its already been made.

I ruined his joke...

My favorite work friend approached me in his usually creepy way yesterday and with a doodoo-eating grin on his face and one hand down his pants he tried to tell me a joke.

"What's the leading cause of pedophilia?" He asked.

"Well, I personally believe that most pedophiles were abused as children and the psychology of someone who is abused is such that they are compelled to continue the cycle of violence and abuse towards others. Somehow this alleviates the horror of their own experiences that they deal with on a day-to-day basis."

His grin turned into a look of confusion. "Well, actually the leading cause of pedophilia is Sexy Children."

"Interestingly enough, that is a valid point." I responded. "There seems to have been a recent trend over the years to sexualize our nations children. If you take a look at a typical children's show these days you'll see thirteen and fourteen year old girls dressing like professional sex workers. Kids watch these shows and then young girls feel compelled to try and look sexy when that should be the farthest thing from their mind...at least until they reach high school."

"You ruined my joke!" He said, and stormed off in tears.

Party in my pants

"How old do you think I am" she asked.

"I would venture to guess 25..."

"Aww how sweet"

"I aimed low. I always aim low."

"Well at least you aim"

"I aim to please"

"Well, so far you've missed"

"Ohh snap"

I want to punch you

I want to punch you right in the face. Punch your lights out.

Proud to be a Wiccan

I will use this blog post to invent some new appetizer dishes for Chilis, Applebees, TGI Fridays or Bennigan's- whoever wants to pay me. Here goes nuthin'.

1) Sexy Spanish Ravioli: Ravioli filled with Spanish Rice and coated with panco bread crumbs and fried in olive oil. Sexy!

2) BLT Spring Rolls: Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato and Mayonaisse wrapped up in rice paper and garnished with mint leaves and daikon sprouts. It's an American twist on an Asian Classic!

3) Buffalo Chicken Philly Cheesesteak: A Hoagie Roll filled to the brim with Buffalo Chicken wings, topped with loads of melted American and Provolone cheese, and served with a stick of celery and bleu cheese dressing. It's a Working Class culture Clash!

Thats all for now. Tune in next week for a receipe for Eggseroneous. Happy Cooking!

Just out of reach

No one ever gets what they want. But everyone wants what they can't have. The secret to life is just making do with what you've got until you die.

Take off that petticoat and dance for me...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1) Your dry, leathery skin.
2) Your frozen botox smile.
3) The large gap between your giant, fake breasts.
4) The cute way you trip in your high heels when you're drunk.
5) The way you swear in public.
6) Your cigarette-flavored kisses.

We are leopard-skin-printed soulmates

apathy

Gas prices are high, the housing market is failing, death toll rises in the Middle East... blah blah blah. I wonder what's for dinner tonight. Did I remember to pay off my credit card this month? Who's going to give me a ride to the airport next week? Will I ever find true love? Where will I be working in 5 years? Do I have a small wiener? Does my boss secretly hate me? Do I need a haircut? I should probably make a Dentist Appointment. I'm going to lose some weight this Summer. ... KABOOM!

I'm no good at...

1) Making prolonged eye contact
2) Talking on the phone for more than 10 minutes
3) Making someone feel better in the wake of tragedy
4) Telling stories
5) Staying awake past 10:00PM while watching TV or Movies
6) Controlling level of sarcasm
7) Holding a conversation amidst loud music
8) Leaving a party without feeling awkward
9) Playing guitar and singing

An Open Letter to the Man Who Insists upon Touching my Leg on the Bus

Dear Man who insists upon touching my leg on the bus,

I realize that the bus is crowded, and that you are forced to stand. I've been there, and its uncomfortable. However, do you not realize that I am sitting next to an obese gentleman and cannot help but stick my leg out into the aisle more than usual? I know there is room enough for you to move up just a tad, and not rub my leg every time the bus jolts forward. All I am asking is for you to respect my personal space.

Are you oblivious to the fact that you're touching my leg? Perhaps you think you're banging into a seat, or some other inanimate part of the bus. It's possible (but not likely) that you have a wooden leg, and therefore unable to sense contact.

You are desperately clinging to the pole in front of my seat, despite the fact that there is room in the back, and as more and more people get on the bus they have to violently squeeze by you in order to make room for more. Yet there you are, defending your territory like a pitbull or some other sort of territorial animal that should be put to sleep.

You look like the stereotypical child molester- with your average, pudgy, caucasian face, your supercuts hair, bomber jacket, and your glasses. That Indiglo Timex watch must come in handy when you're waiting in the shadows down by the schoolyard. I'm wondering why you aren't driving your windowless van to work today. It must be at the shop. I hate you and eveything you stand for.

I think you might be enjoying this. Its the only explanation I can think of. You got on the bus, saw me, and made a bee line for the pole in front of my seat so you can rub legs with me for 20 minutes. You make me sick.