Kitchen Mishap

Mission: Separate frozen sausage











Weapon of Choice: Cut Rate Asian Cleaver (no pun intended)











RESULT: Booboo











Don't cry for me.

Special Needs Baby

I am a special needs baby

I don't feel like blogging right now

I want to make it clear to everyone out there- I don't feel like blogging right now. There's nothing going on in my life at the moment, and I don't know of anything else going on that would be the least bit interesting to your average internet reader.

So bugger off.

Fast Food modifies business plan

It seems to me that the geniuses at the American Fast Food Collective have come up with a brilliant new business plan- Practical Jokes.

Carl's Junior has their Fake Restaurant, McDonalds has their Dollar Menu, and Taco Bell has their Taco wrapped in another Taco. I always thought I was too smart to fall for any of these simple parlour tricks, but you know what they say- "Pride cometh before a fall."

The other day Pizza Hut got me real good. They somehow tricked me into trying their new pasta creations. Boy did I feel stupid. I wouldn't be surprised if they were secretly filming me while I disgraced myself for one of their upcoming commercials.


Afterwords I called Pizza Hut and said "Ha ha, good one my friend. What's next, you gonna put my panties in the freezer?"

I like to think that I learn from my mistakes. Lord knows I will think twice before inviting Pizza Hut to my house for a sleepover.

Thanksgiving With Me

I'm working on a movie called "Thanksgiving With Me". Here's an excerpt from the screenplay:

CAST: Me, You, Brian

It's 10:00AM, and I'm sitting downstairs, watching Lions vs. Titans on TV. Brian wedged himself underneath the coffee table and is sleeping there, periodically licking himself. This annoys me because I cannot stand licking sounds. I tell him to knock it off. I hear footsteps from what sounds like the front porch. The doorbell rings. Brian violently squeezes out from underneath the coffee table and starts barking his head off.

"DING DONG"

ME: Brian! Shhhhh.

I open up the sliding glass door and let Brian outside.

"DING DONG"

I run upstairs and open the door.

ME: Helllloooo! Glad you could make it! You got here just in time to start watching some football.

YOU: Oh good, I love football.

ME: Well you're in luck because we have three games today.

Awkward pause as we both look at each other.

ME: Well come on in, lets get some pre-turkey snacks and go get our football on.

YOU: Sounds awesome.

We go into the kitchen and we unpack the grocery bags you brought.

ME: Chips, salsa, guacamole, good, good. I got a whole mess of diet coke in the fridge, but it's still early, I'm still drinking coffee.

YOU: Oh I had coffee on the way over. I'm good for now. Is the turkey cooking?

ME: You know it. I put it in about 20 minutes ago.

YOU: Great. I brought some pies. We got a nice Pumpkin pie, and a nice Pecan pie.

ME: Those are my favorite. I'm going to gather together a big plate of Chips and Salsa and maybe we fill up a bowl full of the Spicy Chex mix I made and then lets finish up game 1.

YOU: Sounds good. I will do the same.

We go downstairs and settle down in front of the TV. I am sitting in the recliner chair, and you are sitting on the loveseat in front of the coffee table. I get up briefly to let Brian back in. He goes nuts for the first 5 minutes and then settles down and crawls back underneath the coffee table.

Life Coach

I hired a Life Coach. I knew he was good when his first advice to me was to fire my Life Coach.

Clubbin

Dancing is forbidden in some societies/cultures. That is perfectly alright with me.

Lightning Crashes

One Friday night I was sitting at home watching TGIF when all of a sudden the lights went out. I was all alone. It was 9:45, midway through "Baby Talk"- the Television version of "Look Who's Talking" with Tony Danza as the voice of the baby instead of Bruce Willis. I didn't really like this show, which somehow made the power outage more scary.

After 10 seconds of pure, unadulterated panic, I settled down and gathered my wits. I fumbled my way off the sleeper sofa and crept towards the front door. The moon was partially exposed that night, so I felt that being outside I would be able to see and possibly check the neighbor houses. Sure enough, their power was out.

I sat in the middle of the front lawn and waited for the lights to come back on. They never did.

The Human Condition

When I was a kid, I really wanted a Nintendo. I never got it.

Chasing the Jade Dragon

I chased the dragon last night, the Jade Dragon. The Jade Dragon is a nice old-fashioned Chinese-American restaurant located not more than 2 miles from my nice little home. It's located in an older strip mall, right next to a pet groomer, and a Bank of America.

A kindly, spectacled Chinese man runs the front desk, kind of like an Asian Bob Newhart. The restaurant, which never seems very busy, consists of a modest (yet spacious) dining area, and a dark and seedy lounge hidden behind two velvet-padded swivel doors with nautical circle windows.

I keep a Jade Dragon menu tucked neatly in my kitchen drawer. I never use it, since I have their phone number programmed into my phone, and I always order the same thing. I like having it, though, in the rare event that I want something different, or if I have guests who need to see the menu.

"Hello, Jade Dragon."

"Yeah, hi, I'd like to place an order for pick up."

"OK, go ahead."

"Yeah, I'll take a Chicken Fried Rice, and a Chicken Chop Suey."

"Chicken fried rice..... chicken chop suey.... anything else?"

"Nope, thats it."

"OK, give me 10, 15 minutes."

"Great, thanks!"

Ten to fifteen minutes later I'm driving home. Ten to fifteen minutes after that I'm stuffing my face.

The source of my pain

Behold, my nemesis. Greg Weber, in his drunken splendor. He would make a good medieval tyrant.

suck

"...and he knows better. But I just ignored him and he eventually apologized."

BEEP BEEP BB-BB-BEEB .... BEEP BEEP BB-BB-BEEB

"Hold on a sec..." Lisa said, reaching into her handbag. She pulled out a somewhat stylish cell phone and flipped it open. Casey stared at her anxiously, chewing on her right thumb fingernail. "It's Dalton..." pausing for a second, a grin developed on her face. "Awwwww...."

"What is it?" asked Casey. Lisa violently shoved the phone into Casey's face. Dalton had sent a picture of a gift-wrapped box with a festive bow on top, with the words 'I got a surprise for you' underneath. "Oooh! What do you think it is?""I don't know. It could be anything. It could be tickets to Hawaii, diamond earrings, or maybe even a ring!?" squealed Lisa.

"A ring, really?" asked Casey "I thought you had talked about it and decided to wait at least a year."

"No, I doubt its a ring. But you never know with Dalton. Sometimes he can be so romantic." Lisa was downplaying her excitement. This was the first time Dalton had exhibited any shred of romanticism, so naturally she was expecting something big.

Lisa purposefully waited 1 hour before texting Dalton back. She finished her shopping trip with Casey, and freshened up at Casey's apartment before going home to see what Dalton had in store for her. She borrowed some of Casey's clothes and they even went as far as to have a mini fashion show before she left.

The drive home was excruciating and exhilarating. She was in love with the endorphins that were pulsing through her brain. Her mind was racing, but her car was going under the speed limit. She wasn't in a hurry, she was enjoying herself.

She pulled into the parking garage of her apartment complex and slowly walked towards the gate that led to the elevator. In her mind-altered state of euphoria she decided to take the stairs. She never takes the stairs.

She walked in looking sexy and feeling confident. Dalton was sitting on the couch wearing cut-off sweat pants, a long sleeve t-shirt, and a backwards baseball cap. "Hey babe" he said excitedly. "I got a surprise for ya..."

She stood there dumbfounded, still holding her shopping bag and handbag. Dalton got up quickly and ran down the hallway. Moments later he emerged carrying a golden retriever puppy with a little bow tied around its neck.

Lisa broke up with Dalton two weeks later. Dalton gave the puppy to his Sister.

I don't know much

In 1989, Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt met and collaborated on an album. I don't know much.... but I know I loved it.

Ever so gently

"When is lunch?" he asked.

"As soon as your father gets home."

"Why do we have to wait for dad? I'm starving!" he exclaimed.

"Because it's polite, and respectful."

"Can I have a bagel while I wait, at least?"

"OK, but no cream cheese or anything."

"Alright." he said defeatedly, but satisfied.

It was 3:00 when father finally arrived home, wreaking of booze. "Who stole my keys?" he burst. "They were in my pocket five minutes ago!" As he slurred his words his wife's fake smile turned into a fake concerned frown.

"No one took your keys, dear. I'll go check the car. You probably left them in the ignition again." and she hurried out the door.

"Yeah you do that." he mumbled, as he plopped into his favorite bean bag chair.

"OUCH!" he cried. "Who the fuck put this miniloader on my beanbag?" yelled father with an expectant, 'answer-me-now' look on his face.

'Miniloader' was what his 3 year old son had cutely but mistakenly named his toy forklift.

The End

Ugly Truth

It appears that America is not the only superficial country in the world. According to my internet news sources the little Chinese girl who was supposed to sing during the opening ceremonies at the Beijing Olympics was not "good looking" enough to present on the world stage, so the Chinese beautification authority brought in a ringer to lip-sync.

Albeit shocking and heart-wrenching, (especially when you Google the whole thing and see pictures of the little girl) this is hardly a new concept. In 1897 a French playwright named Edmond Rostand wrote his most famous work , "Cyrano de Bergerac". The play tells the story of a man who is conventionally ugly, yet possesses skills of wit and brawn beyond compare. Lacking confidence (in both himself and the women he pines for) he enlists the aid of a handsome, young soldier who can barely string a sentence together to take his place in his attempts at woo. Blah blah blah- fighting, poetry, innuendo- great play, and a great story- so much so that it has been re-told in countless movies and television shows, both directly and indirectly. I think there is even a version starring Jeneane Garafolo. To me she is the living embodiment of a female Cyrano. But I digress.

Before we go ahead and chastise the Chinese for another perceived offense against the World, lets take a moment and reflect upon our own sins:

1) Milli Vanilli
2) The chick from C+C Music Factory
3) Ashlee Simpson

Shame on you China, and shame on me. Shame on everyone. Oh, and one more thing- be careful when you Google for pictures of stuff.

Practical Joke Backfires

Recently my office friend/enemy (frenemy?) Greg Weber has been sabotaging my work area. He started off by leaving threatening post-it notes on my computer monitor. At first they were funny, then they got scary. He soon grew tired of this, and moved on to hiding my personal effects around the office. He hid my spare shoes, he hid my gym shorts, and he also hid my insulin. It got a little too real when I slipped into a diabetic coma and they had to call the paramedics, but we still had a good laugh afterwards. Seeking a fresh start he decided to start tampering with my computer. He unplugged my peripherals and wrote the word "whore" on my monitor with a Permanent Marker.

Today, however, marked a new day of practical joke complexity. I arrived in my cubicle as usual, 7:45AM (I'm an early riser). As I routinely put my frozen bagel in the toaster, hung up my backpack, logged into my computer, and swapped my flip flops for my office shoes I could tell that something was amiss. I knew trouble lay in waiting for me, but I ignored my impulses as I attributed them to hunger. I noticed my chair was not in front of my computer as it usually is, but rather it was facing the left side of my cubicle- over by the stack of Diet Coke cans on my desk. I thought to myself, "that's funny" as I tilted my head and grabbed the back of my chair. Pulling the chair, my surroundings seemed to revolve around me in slow motion when I realized the base of my chair was tied to a Diet Coke can somewhere in the middle of the stack. As my mountain of cans came crashing down into my workspace I felt utterly helpless and vulnerable. "This is what babies feel like when they are born into the world" I reflected.

When the horrific sound of tumbling tin finally ceased, I lifted my ears and heard.... no one. No one was in the office yet. Partially relieved (and severely humbled) I began the long and tedious process of picking up the cans and re-stacking them. I then retrieved my toasted bagel and started checking emails.

Right around 8:24 I heard someone huffing and puffing approaching my cube. I turned around and saw Greg Weber bending over with his hands on his knees, sweating profusely. I could tell he'd been running. I sat there staring at him, saying nothing while he took a few minutes to catch his breath. "How's your morning going?" he said, finally breaking the silence. He was fighting to suppress his smile.

"Fine" I responded. "You're here awfully early."

"I got a bunch of work to do." He crossed his arms and looked around my cubicle. "Hmmm... does your stack of cans look different?"

"I don't know. I can't see any difference. Is there something I can help you with? I'm a very busy man."

After another painfully long silence neither of us could hold back anymore. I fessed up and told him how the cans fell down and he admitted to orchestrating the whole thing. I asked him if he had come in early so he could see the joke unfold and he said yes, but his bus was held up at the river because the bridge had been raised. Normally Greg gets to work around 10. He had to wake up 2 hours early just to try and witness my humiliation. His prank was a success, but his overall plan was a failure.

"So I guess the joke really backfired on you here."

"Yeah I guess it did."

I'm plotting my revenge. Does anyone know where I can get some ether?

Two Wrongs Make a Baby

Mr. X and Ms. Y met at a dance club called "Crush" one Friday night. Ms. Y was dancing with her friends from work when Mr. X sidled over and commenced his courtship on the dance floor. He swiveled and swerved, to and fro, hither and thither, while beads of sweat cooled him way down beneath his undershirt. He was drinking a bud light, but earlier he had taken shots of Tequila that his friend (and business partner) bought him.

Ms. Y was happy because it was Friday and she only had one week of work left before she was scheduled to go to Mexico for a two week vacation. She was wearing a pair of snug hip-hugging jeans that, even though she bought them on sale, cost so much that she came up short on her rent and her roommate had to float her one month. She complimented her denim showpiece with a bejeweled black tank-top and a decorative scarf worn as a belt. She had started off the night with Lemon Drops and now she was drinking Red Bull without any alcohol, to stay awake and alert.

"Do you want to go outside for a cigarette?" She asked, during the brief music break.

"Yeah, sure" he said, even though he didn't smoke. "Let me grab another drink first. You want anything?"

"Rum and Diet" she yelled. "No, wait!" but it was too late. He didn't hear her as he turned to walk towards the bar, and she decided that she would let him get her the cocktail, even though she had made a conscious effort to stop drinking for the night. She thought it would be lame to ask him to get her another Red Bull.

Out on the patio they smoked their cigarettes. She admitted that she didn't want the drink he had bought her, and he admitted that he'd never smoked before. Their candid conversation soon turned into laughing and touching. They exchanged phone numbers, and then took turns listening to each others' ringtones. Once their conversation hinted at becoming stale, she suggested they go back into the bar to find her friends. This was a white lie on her part, as she had already been informed via text message that they had moved on to another bar.

After some more dancing (this time with her hands connected around his neck and his hands plastered to her behind) the bar commenced its close-down sequence. They decided to split a cab. The plan was to drop her off first, but she invited him in.

"...And that's how babies are made."

"Wow. Thanks dad."

"Anytime son. Anytime."

Food Network sucks now

The Food Network used to be one of my safe-havens in the entertainment minefield that is cable television. I enjoyed the classic cooking show- those that follow the basic Julia Child and Frugal Gourmet templates. I loved the Japanese Iron Chef. I particularly enjoyed watching them cook with ingredients I'd never heard of before. I would even enjoy an episode of Unwrapped, in which the slightly annoying Marc Summers would tell me how M&Ms are made.

But now Food Network has caved to the collective will of the 'stupid'. Instead of cooking shows we have the search for the next food network personality. Instead of Iron Chef Japanese its Iron Chef America- with the worst Iron Chefs ever. Cat Cora makes me tingle with disgust. And what about all these cake shows? WHAT THE HELL IS SO INTERESTING ABOUT CAKES????? And its not like they are making interesting new cakes, either. They are taking basic shit cake and shaping it into hot-rods, or giant butterflies. This isn't new- I could go to Safeway right now and get a birthday cake that looks like a giant hamburger. This isn't food, its a mockery. Whoever is responsible should be ashamed of themselves. I just want to bury my head in Giada's cleavage so I don't have to watch anymore.

Summer Love

I have yet to experience Summer Love this year. I am running out of time. If you would like to help me out please give me a shout.

Here is a picture to get you in the mood...


I like ice cream and pillow talk.

Morning Routine

The Today Show is my barometer for what occupies the hearts and minds of mainstream America. Every morning I wake up at 6:45 and tune the television machine to NBC because I know that as soon as I get out of the shower Ann Curry will be mesmerizing me with her exotic beauty, Meredith Viera will be over-compensating for her lack of news credentials, Matt Lauer will be staring at Meredith's chubby legs, and Al Roker will be mincing about pretending not to be gay. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a creature of habit. I love my routines. I get physically ill when I find David Gregory filling in for Matt Lauer (partly because I can't stand the sight of David Gregory's face and hair). While the news stories are stupid and the interviews are bland, I take comfort simply knowing that I am doing what everyone else is doing. I may not get excited about the political candidacies of whats-his-name and the other guy, and I'm not going to lose my mind over the latest gas price report, but the undeserved hype gives me the strength to pull my pants up and comb my hair.

Out of Punishment Ideas?

I will spank your butt
I will turn this car around
You can't watch TV for a week
You aren't going to summer camp
I will hide your ipod
You're grounded
You have to do chores for Grandma on Saturday
No more Myspace
No more Facebook
No more Video Games
No more Miley Cyrus
No more Hannah Montana
No more Desserts
No more food
No more water

Family Crap Center

"Here're your tokens" he grunted, tossing the little ziplock bag full of coins onto the counter. His face wasn't speckled with acne like the others, but his head was still in the awkward stage of maturity so that it didn't quite match up with the rest of his body- like some sort of teenage bobblehead doll. He seemed very unpleasant. I'm 99% sure the source of his discontent was the fact that he had a summer job.

There I was, trying to enjoy my company function, and this little pissant had to go and spoil things for me by having a bad attitude. "Enthusiasm is contagious, you know." I told him, as I picked up my coins.

"What?"

"Nevermind." And I walked away, determined not to let this experience ruin the rest of my day. Feeling masculine I made my way to the batting cages. I figured I would put on a show for my female coworkers. Instead I ended up hurting my hand and sweating more than I had budgeted for. The real winner at the batting cages was the girl who cranked some softballs while wearing high-heeled sandals.

Associated Genders of Products/Animals

Beer is Masculine, Wine is feminine. Cats are girly, dogs are manly.

Feel free to add more.

hardy har har

They say that laughter is the best medicine. I tend to agree, which explains why my pediatrician was Dave Coulier. I stayed home from school a lot.

Dark Knight Disappointed

Jingle Bells, the new Batman smells. Hollywood laid an egg. The Batmobile lost two wheels (turned into a motorcycle), and the Joker actually did get away (then got caught later).


And I'm out ten bucks.

Lunch with Andy - Results Show

Andy showed up late, as usual. He was wearing capris for men and a rugby shirt circa 1992. At first I was a little miffed by him sitting on the same side of the table as me, but I quickly adjusted to it after realizing that the restaurant only had one menu for us to share.

I ordered a diet coke and Andy only drank water. I have this weird little habit of dipping my finger into my diet soda and rubbing my fingers together to see if its sticky (i.e. regular coke). I have a sneaking suspicion that someone somewhere is trying to make me fat.

Andy had his heart set on nachos. I was on a burrito streak that started in April and didn't feel like breaking it. I ordered a burrito. You can tell a lot about a Mexican food establishment by sampling their salsa. La Fonda met my expectations.

As for my pre-lunch predictions, the following came true:

1) I ate too many chips & salsa, spoiling my appetite

Sorry to disappoint you.

Lunch with Andy

In about 90 minutes I will be going to La Fonda (mexican) to have lunch with my Utah friend Andy Godsey. I thought it would be funny to make some predictions beforehand and then report back afterwards to confirm (or disconfirm) my premonitions. Let's do this in list form:

1) I will spill something on my nice light colored polo shirt
2) Andy will break down in tears because he doesn't want to get married next September
3) Lindsay (Andy's fiance) will call every 5 minutes to make sure Andy isn't doing drugs
4) I will eat too many chips and salsa and spoil my appetite
5) Andy will look at porn on his iPhone
6) Greg Weber will show up and throw something at me (miggs?)
7) Andy will offer to pay for lunch since he owes me for the jailtime I did for not turning him in
8) Everyone in the restaurant will break out into a song/dance number like in the movies

Stay tuned and find out if any of this comes true...

What Smells?

Oh, its the Red Bull you're drinking. It smells like stomach acid. You are a disgusting human being.

My Favorite Food

Ingredients:

Tomato
Onion
Cilantro
Jalepeno Peppers
Lemon
Salt
Pepper
Grilled Chicken
Shredded Monterrey Jack and Cheddar Cheese
Tortilla Chips
Refried Beans

Melt cheese onto the chips. Put the rest of ingredients into a food processor and process into a fine paste. Pour messy paste over the chips and eat with a fork (or your hands). Bon Appetit.

Ad Script

"How was your blind date?"

"She was interesting."

"She was into wrestling?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Did you make future plans?"

"Not exactly. I got up to go to the bathroom and never went back."

"Wow. That bad, huh?"

"Yes, my diarrhea was that bad."

IMODIUM AD- when Nature Calls, let the machine get it.

Extra Poor Sports Night

Last night I flipped on ESPN briefly and was horrified to see Justin Timberlake doing some sort of dance with a Kevin Garnett puppet. Apparently I was watching the ESPY awards.

I consider myself to be a sports fan, but I guess I draw the line at pathetic, sports-themed, scripted comedy. Call me old fashioned, but I would rather watch a football game than see a dance number honoring Brett Favre.

Maybe the collective marketing genius has determined that all of this pageantry is necessary to appeal to women... but naahhh... women aren't THAT stupid. Could it be a half-hearted effort to maintain viewership during the Summer, in which the only sports related activities are golf, baseball, and professional misconduct (gasp)?

Whatever it is I am disgusted, and I want Stuart Scott to be punished (death?) for my minor TV inconvenience.

I admit it

I am the Captain Stubbing of the Awkward Love Boat

Father Figure

I remember my most recent violent experience with discipline... It was a warm, sunny day and I had just finished lunch. I had the Spicy Salmon at 1st Ave Bento. In my haste I had left my foodbox on one of the tables in the lunchroom. Unbeknownst to me I had awakened the wrath of my violent father figure.... Greg Weber.

Long story short, he threw my waste right in my face in my cubicle... splattering soy sauce and tears all over. I still have nightmares.

I will cut your nuts off

The funniest story ever told

Guy 1: "I don't know, man... I don't know what it is about me, but I think that gay guys always hit on me at parties"

Guy 2: "What are you talking about?"

Guy 1: "Well, last night this dude comes up and starts asking me about music- specifically if I liked Pearl Jam. It just seemed weird, you know?"

Guy 3: "Wait, how do you know he was gay? Liking music doesn't make you gay."

Guy 1: "I just got a feeling from the whole thing. Besides, I think this has happened other times, at other parties. Do I look gay?"

Guy 3: "uh- nah, too easy. Honestly, I'm not really sure. My gaydar is terrible. I just assume that everyone is gay."

Guy 2: "Who was it? Do you remember his name?"

Guy 1: "No, I don't remember his name... but he was that guy wearing the T Shirt with the picture of the Hamburgular on it."

Guy 2: "Of course he's gay!!!! The Hamburgular steals the meat and hides it in the buns!!"

Guy 1, Guy 2, and Guy 3 all laughed until Guy 3's hernia burst and they had to drive him to the hospital. Guy 2 and Guy 3 later recorded a short but hilarious answering machine song message about this event. Guy 1 still wonders if people think he's gay.

Topics for discussion

Where do they find the British spare for each of the Judgment-Style Reality shows?

I think Tina Turner, Bette Midler, and Cher are sexy.

Whats more campy, the Batman movies with Val Kilmer and George Clooney, or the original Batman TV show?

I am all that is man

Mens room

The salt-and-pepper-haired older gentleman walked into the restroom with his younger, professionally goateed Apprentice.

"Would you like me to make you some lemonade?" Asked the Apprentice. "I make it extra salty..."

"Exsqueeze me?"

"Exactly....Exsqueeze me? EXACTLY"

The sound of running water finally ceased and the handicapped-accessible door mechanically wound itself closed. I slowly stepped off the toilet seat and peaked out the stall door. No one. I safely made my way back to my cubicle.

SICK

Life Imitates Art

4th of July

Like most good Americans I spent Independence Day eating and drinking stuff. I took time to reflect on my own independence- i.e. celebrating the fact that I don't need my mom to drive me around anymore.

Feeling unusually patriotic I decided to settle down and watch a movie. By some inexplicable miracle the Gods steered me towards the new Rambo movie. Now, I won't say it was the best movie I've ever seen, but I won't say it wasn't the best movie I've ever seen.

Too Cool for Mule

This girl is going to s*** a brick when her friends tell her its a donkey, not a pony. Happy Birthday!

Movie Ideas

DOUBLE STANDARD: It's a crime drama comedy. A craahmedy. Ricki and Jake Standard are tough-talking law-enforcing brothers who re-unite after their father's death to bring his murderer to justice. Did I mention that they are huge hypocrites?

FRIENDS- THE MOVIE: Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are all back together, only this time its on the big screen. Phoebe is having a destination wedding in Malaysia and everyone is making the trip to witness her nuptials. Drama ensues as Monica and Rachel quarrel over who gets to be Maid of Honor. Ross struggles to make it to the wedding after being mistakenly arrested for vandalism, and the airlines lose Chandler's luggage. Will Phoebe say "I do"? Will Ross make it in time for the wedding? How many local Malaysian girls will Joey score with? (I guarantee this movie would make a billion dollars on its opening weekend)

BABY MAMA: A successful business woman is running out of time and out of luck when it comes to marriage and family. She seeks out a young, wacky pregnant girl who wants to give up her baby for adop... Oh crap, its already been made.

I ruined his joke...

My favorite work friend approached me in his usually creepy way yesterday and with a doodoo-eating grin on his face and one hand down his pants he tried to tell me a joke.

"What's the leading cause of pedophilia?" He asked.

"Well, I personally believe that most pedophiles were abused as children and the psychology of someone who is abused is such that they are compelled to continue the cycle of violence and abuse towards others. Somehow this alleviates the horror of their own experiences that they deal with on a day-to-day basis."

His grin turned into a look of confusion. "Well, actually the leading cause of pedophilia is Sexy Children."

"Interestingly enough, that is a valid point." I responded. "There seems to have been a recent trend over the years to sexualize our nations children. If you take a look at a typical children's show these days you'll see thirteen and fourteen year old girls dressing like professional sex workers. Kids watch these shows and then young girls feel compelled to try and look sexy when that should be the farthest thing from their mind...at least until they reach high school."

"You ruined my joke!" He said, and stormed off in tears.

Party in my pants

"How old do you think I am" she asked.

"I would venture to guess 25..."

"Aww how sweet"

"I aimed low. I always aim low."

"Well at least you aim"

"I aim to please"

"Well, so far you've missed"

"Ohh snap"

I want to punch you

I want to punch you right in the face. Punch your lights out.

Proud to be a Wiccan

I will use this blog post to invent some new appetizer dishes for Chilis, Applebees, TGI Fridays or Bennigan's- whoever wants to pay me. Here goes nuthin'.

1) Sexy Spanish Ravioli: Ravioli filled with Spanish Rice and coated with panco bread crumbs and fried in olive oil. Sexy!

2) BLT Spring Rolls: Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato and Mayonaisse wrapped up in rice paper and garnished with mint leaves and daikon sprouts. It's an American twist on an Asian Classic!

3) Buffalo Chicken Philly Cheesesteak: A Hoagie Roll filled to the brim with Buffalo Chicken wings, topped with loads of melted American and Provolone cheese, and served with a stick of celery and bleu cheese dressing. It's a Working Class culture Clash!

Thats all for now. Tune in next week for a receipe for Eggseroneous. Happy Cooking!

Just out of reach

No one ever gets what they want. But everyone wants what they can't have. The secret to life is just making do with what you've got until you die.

Take off that petticoat and dance for me...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1) Your dry, leathery skin.
2) Your frozen botox smile.
3) The large gap between your giant, fake breasts.
4) The cute way you trip in your high heels when you're drunk.
5) The way you swear in public.
6) Your cigarette-flavored kisses.

We are leopard-skin-printed soulmates

apathy

Gas prices are high, the housing market is failing, death toll rises in the Middle East... blah blah blah. I wonder what's for dinner tonight. Did I remember to pay off my credit card this month? Who's going to give me a ride to the airport next week? Will I ever find true love? Where will I be working in 5 years? Do I have a small wiener? Does my boss secretly hate me? Do I need a haircut? I should probably make a Dentist Appointment. I'm going to lose some weight this Summer. ... KABOOM!

I'm no good at...

1) Making prolonged eye contact
2) Talking on the phone for more than 10 minutes
3) Making someone feel better in the wake of tragedy
4) Telling stories
5) Staying awake past 10:00PM while watching TV or Movies
6) Controlling level of sarcasm
7) Holding a conversation amidst loud music
8) Leaving a party without feeling awkward
9) Playing guitar and singing

An Open Letter to the Man Who Insists upon Touching my Leg on the Bus

Dear Man who insists upon touching my leg on the bus,

I realize that the bus is crowded, and that you are forced to stand. I've been there, and its uncomfortable. However, do you not realize that I am sitting next to an obese gentleman and cannot help but stick my leg out into the aisle more than usual? I know there is room enough for you to move up just a tad, and not rub my leg every time the bus jolts forward. All I am asking is for you to respect my personal space.

Are you oblivious to the fact that you're touching my leg? Perhaps you think you're banging into a seat, or some other inanimate part of the bus. It's possible (but not likely) that you have a wooden leg, and therefore unable to sense contact.

You are desperately clinging to the pole in front of my seat, despite the fact that there is room in the back, and as more and more people get on the bus they have to violently squeeze by you in order to make room for more. Yet there you are, defending your territory like a pitbull or some other sort of territorial animal that should be put to sleep.

You look like the stereotypical child molester- with your average, pudgy, caucasian face, your supercuts hair, bomber jacket, and your glasses. That Indiglo Timex watch must come in handy when you're waiting in the shadows down by the schoolyard. I'm wondering why you aren't driving your windowless van to work today. It must be at the shop. I hate you and eveything you stand for.

I think you might be enjoying this. Its the only explanation I can think of. You got on the bus, saw me, and made a bee line for the pole in front of my seat so you can rub legs with me for 20 minutes. You make me sick.

How bad do you want it?

I watched the Today show last week for the first time in 7 years and I realized that presidential elections are only 10 months away. We're knee deep in primaries and the race is really getting hot. I decided to gear up by watching some debates. I found most of it interesting, despite the fact that I barely understand English. I decided to post some excerpts that I found particularly interesting.

CNN: Governor Romney, can you explain to us what your Mormon faith means to you?
Gov. Romney: It means that I can't watch R-rated movies and I can't drink coffee.
CNN: Do you find those rules hard to adhere to?
Gov. Romney: Not really, multiple wives can be very distracting.

Youtube: Senator Clinton, how are you going to reform the US Healthcare system to make sure that every American has Health Insurance?
Sen. Clinton: I will make Healthcare affordable for every American through the miracle of outsourcing. P.S. I hate America.

John Q. Public: Representative Kucinich, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Rep. Kucinich: Uhhh that would have to be my small body.

Matt Lauer: Governor Huckabee, are you worried that the movie "I (heart) Huckabees" will have an adverse affect on your campaign?
Gov. Huckabee: Yes, Matt. That movie sucked major bigtime. Also, I'd like to point out that I don't hate America, but I do hate Mexicans.

Effeminate Host: Miss Caitlin, recent polls have shown that 20% of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?
Miss Teen South Carolina: I personally believe the U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa or should help the Iraq and Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

I'm not really much of a politico, but I think I'm going to vote for ........ (drum roll please) ......... that's right, I'm voting for Senator Larry Craig. Don't ask why.

huh?

Consider the following word: "Amenorrhea"

Contrary to your immediate reaction, "Amenorrhea" is not a slang term used to describe the conditions suffered by someone who grandstands his or her Christianity for others to see. Shockingly, "Amenorrhea" is a medical condition in which a woman of reproductive age does not experience a menstrual period.

Advice for new money

If you're anything like me then you're not a rich man (or woman, or some sort of unholy combination of genders). But the beauty of living in a capitalistic society is that anyone can become stinking rich despite their upbringing, education level, or lack of desired physical features. Easy money comes from a variety of sources, including (but not limited to) State Lotteries, Lawsuits, Real Estate and of course Living on top of an oil reserve. If you're lucky enough to stumble into a large sum of unearned cash you may think that your troubles are over. The truth is, you have to learn to be rich.

Unless you win the Lottery or an unusually publicized settlement from a major corporation, odds are that no one will know that you're rich. Most rich folk advertise their wealth with purchases of lake houses, fancy cars, and anything made of Alpaca. You, however, need to fast-track yourself to the ranks of the well-to-do, and that is why I suggest you buy some billboard space and take out a full page ad in USA today. I'm thinking of something along the lines of you in a tuxedo (or evening gown, possibly with a tiara, I don't know) clutching some cash and giving a thumbs up. Possible headlines could read "I'm rich now" or "More Money than God" or even the slightly offensive "Up yours!".

Poor people are usually ugly. Well, actually, people are usually ugly (just going with the statistics here). Assuming you're ugly you might want to change that now, since you can afford it. Face lifts, tummy tucks, anal bleaching, whatever it takes. You're rich now, you want people to like you for your looks, not for your money.

Most uneducated, worthless people who fall into money lose it because they think they have an unlimited supply. This goes without saying, obviously, because those who cannot comprehend numbers beyond one thousand will reason that a few million is infinity. I highly recommend getting a financial manager. Keep in mind that you can't trust just any 'ole licensed, bonded financial manager with your millions of smackers. You need someone you can trust- someone you've known for a while. How about your stepfather?

There are two types of wealthy- Greedy and Lazy. You've never been greedy (thank God) so you're satisfied with simply having an infinite supply of money. You quit your job and you sleep 10 hours a day, which is a good start, but remember that there are 24 hours in a day. 24 minus 10 is, ummm, 14, and if you subtract time spent eating and drinking that leaves about, ohhh I'd say 5 hours with nothing to do. Why not spend some money on Jet Skis? While you're thinking about that I will write out a shopping list for your consideration:

1. Ski Boat
2. Hot Tub
3. Expensive Dogs. English Bulldogs are a good choice, as they are often born via C-Section ($$$)
4. Everything in SkyMall
5. Guns
   
6. Your very own Costco Store

The law is often an afterthought for obscenely wealthy humans. It stands to reason that with enough money you should be able to get away with anything. Examples of moneyed persons skirting common justice are plentiful, but buying your freedom is not a given. The best thing you can do is remain lawful. If you feel the need, the need for speed, then at least make sure you haven't been drinking, and possibly send your lawyer a text message before you get behind the wheel. This way your bail will have been posted by the time you are taken to the station. You'd be amazed at how much time simple planning can save you.

Surprisingly, the insanely rich often succumb to the lure of gambling. All of the pretty lights in Las Vegas can turn your piles of gold into multiple sub-prime mortgages. Why not set up your own casino? If you gamble against yourself you can't lose!

One final thought- Be creative. Everyone loves an eccentric rich person.

Christmas Card

Happy Holidays!
It's Thanksgiving once again and I am filled with holiday spirit. Like most of the country I'm sure you're out of town visiting relatives. Did bad weather or crowded airports affect your holiday travel at all?
I'm staying home this holiday season. The nutcracker suite is playing through my head as I sneak through your house looking for valuables.

Christmas Blues

I asked Santa to bring me true love this Christmas. He sighed and his face turned somber. "There is no such thing as true love" he said, and he stood up and motioned towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked. "Aren't you forgetting dessert?"

It was warm inside the cabin and Santa had consequently stripped down to a tank-top and boxer shorts. He did not immediately respond to my question as he was pulling on his red, furry jumper. "I should get going... I have a big day tomorrow." He tipped his hat to me and waddled out the door. I should have known better.

The next morning there was an email in my inbox with the subject "Moving on". Santa broke up with me.

Lay off me I'm starving

Ever since I was a little girl, I had always wanted a pony. Each year, as I celebrated New Years alone I realized that my dream was becoming less and less a reality. Coping is a unique human trait. Fortunately I learned to settle for what the sweet lord Jesus has provided for me thus far. My job, the clothes, the vacation house, and my cachet of meaningless physical relationships are enough to keep my mind off of that which is lacking in my life.

This morning I woke early (thank you daylight savings time) and as I watched the water in the bathtub drain I decided that today I would leave the house sans-underwear. Indian summers bring out the worst in me.

Therapy went by really fast today. We talked about my childhood pets. I used to have a canary named Beth, but someone decided to let her out of her cage when I was 7. Happy birthday to me.

At work I decided to go to lunch with my friend Stephanie. We both had pasta. During lunch we talked about our dream jobs, and men. After lunch we walked to Macy's and bought snowsuits.

At work we have a male receptionist named Evan. I wonder what he would look like wearing lipstick and a skirt.

Dumbledore - "I have always been gay."

The biggest news to hit the magic community since the Sorceror's Stone is sending shockwaves through wizards and muggles alike. Chamber of secrets? Not anymore. It's official, Dumbledore is gay. Sources close to Dumbledore say that they have known about his sexual orientation for a while, and that due to his increasingly flamboyant tendencies it was only a matter of time before the truth came out.

Officials speculate that this news will hurt enrollment at an already financially strapped Hogwarts Academy. If that weren't bad enough, alumni support is expected to drop to an all time low. Administrators have called an emergency meeting to discuss a plan of action. Unofficial word is that Hogwarts administration is planning to support Dumbledore in his decision to come out of the closet, although they are facing unknown results in what could be a crucial year for Wizard Academies.

Some sources have said that Dumbledore isn't actually gay. Rather, this announcement is a strategic move to position himself for a big payoff from Hogwarts in the event that he is unjustly fired. Citing alleged massive gambling debts and an addiction to barbituates, former accountant Ray Blackman believes Dumbledore is in serious financial trouble, and this is nothing more than a cry for help.

Recent polls across the Wizard community have indicated that a majority still do not approve of the homosexual lifestyle despite vast advances of the gay agenda in the Muggle world. If this is the case, Dumbledore may find himself a victim of ridicule, discrimination, and possibly hate crimes. No one knows what to expect in the coming months, but one thing is for sure- good or bad, Wizards everywhere will never be the same.

top nine reasons to give your life to Jesus

9 - Sinning isn't as fun as it used to be
8 - You're kind of ugly and dating is a real chore
7 - You don't like making life decisions
6 - You're uncomfortable wearing tight or revealing clothing
5 - You need another way (other than environmentalism) to make your friends feel inferior
4 - You think a Jesus fish would look good on your Camry
3 - You heard that religious girls are the most freaky
2 - Long hair and beards appeal to you more now than they did when you were younger
1 - You don't want to go to Hell

bark if you like me

Happy Valentines Day everybody.

Diaper Duty

At the onset of 2006 I changed my diaper. My diaper was dirty, and my butt was getting sore from walking around with a full load. I've been wearing this new diaper since March and its starting to get unbearable. This new diaper is a cheaper brand, which means it can't hold leaks as well as the old diaper. To give you an idea of the comparative qualities of the two diapers, the old diaper lasted 3 years whereas this new diaper is going to burst in half that.

So here I am, diaper getting full, and I have a decision to make. Do I powder up, put on a new diaper and continue to soil myself? Or do I try to potty-train with the hope that one day I will wear big-boy pants?

Save the date

New Years is around the corner and I'm already sending out invitations to my party. You play your cards right and you may just get one. Yesterday I started stocking up on supplies. My shopping list got a little out of control- see for yourself:

• Folding Chairs
• Fireworks
• Streamers
• Napkins featuring Adult-themed trivia
  
• Mistletoe "pills"
• Deli Tray
• Tape Cassette Player Machine
• Toilet Paper
• Hummus
• Piping Bag
• Potato Chips
• Ice Sculpture
• Zorro Mask
• New Jeans

There will be a $20 cover at the door. Did I mention there will be no alcohol?

Sensitive

Chuck: If you could go back in time to prevent the Holocaust, would you?

Larry: No.

Chuck: Are you kidding me? 6 million people died and you wouldn't try to stop it?

Larry: Ok then, I would.

Chuck: Really? How would you do it? One man against an army of Nazis? You wouldn't stand a chance!

Larry: What the hell do you want from me?

Sunday

I'm in Starbucks again. The same Starbucks that I spoke of yesterday. The retard behind the counter poured me some weak-ass coffee. The reason being, and I saw it coming, that he started it brewing and poured my cup shortly thereafter, which makes for a weak cup of coffee. I guess I'll get a refill. They're playing music in the background today… thank God.

I didn't do a Goddamn thing yesterday. I went back home after coffee and I watched TV and/or messed around on the internet for the remainder of the day. At one point I took an hour-long nap. At another point I ate an extra large pizza from Papa Johns. It was topped with tomatos and black olives. After the first two slices I began dumping crushed red peppers on it. I figured I needed to experience some pain while doing such a dastardly deed.

I watched the movie "Hulk" during yesterday's sloth-fest. It wasn't terrible. Ok, it was terrible.

I can't wait to take a dump… exercise my demons. I can feel the fires burning. I guess that was just a fart. I'm dirty. I haven't taken a shower since Friday morning. I like what I'm wearing. I live in such a small world. There is so much I don't know and I like that.

Saturday

I just yanked a bagel from my apartment complex and carried it in my coat pocket to Starbucks, where I am now eating it. It's pretty good, too. I think I'm on to something here.

Writing may be as good as talking- perhaps better. I've been a tad frustrated lately when I hang around by myself because I have no release. The only way I could think of to get release was to strike up a conversation with someone. That is all well and good, but sometimes that can be painful to initiate. Now that I've started writing again, I'm able to find release, and it puts me in such a mental state that I wouldn't feel the hunger pains of social interaction. Yes, I think I may be on to something here.

There aren't many people here. There are never many people at this Starbucks. I don't exactly know why, but it can't help to have some of the most sour, ungrateful and mean-looking employees working here. There is an older couple sitting to my left. I bet they're staying at the hotel Magnolia, which makes up for the vast majority of the building that houses this particular Starbucks. They were talking but now they've stopped. I think they were arguing a few minutes ago.

A crazy homeless man just walked in, swearing at some figment of his imagination. He set his dufflebag down below the table by the window facing Commerce street. The older couple are definitely staying at this hotel, as I was able to conclude from what she just said- "I'm going up to the room to get some Tylenol."

The crazy homeless man is busy rifling through his dufflebag. I don't think he ever got any coffee or anything. He must be seeking shelter.

This Starbucks should be really cool but it isn't. I don't know exactly what's missing. One thing that is bothering me is that there is no background music. This makes for an eerie backdrop of noise. It also makes the locale seem less alive.

The Crazy Homeless man just walked by and muttered "Tall motherfucker…" under his breath. I don't know if he was referring to me. After all, I am of modest height; but then again, he is crazy. It turns out he did get something. It looks like a Grande-sized drink and some sort of crumbly pastry. He drinks his coffee without a lid. In between sips he rubs his face violently with his hands. Yep, crazy.

As time passes I feel the urge to find a bathroom. The coffee is beginning to take form in my digestive system, or my intestines, err whatever. Luckily I live close to here. I should make this my official Starbucks, but I really don't like the people that work here.

Climbers

I hate climbers.

Crap Shoot

It's been in the news lately that blogging can get you fired- especially if you vent about your company, boss, and/or coworkers. Well, I'm going to throw caution to the wind and really let my feelings out...

My manager's really been riding my ass lately. "Old Lady Griswold" - I call her, even though she's only 34 and her last name is Perkins. She get's so upset over the smallest things- like when I poured ketchup into the deep-fat-fryer, or how I show up 15-20 minutes late for my shifts, or that time when I poured Mustard into the deep-fat-fryer. She calls me out in front of my colleagues and in front of customers. I swear, she has no tact. One time, when she caught me reading magazines in the deep freeze, she flipped! She actually threw a fork at me. I think she was trying to kill me. Since I am a pacifist, I didn't fight back- instead I just showed Carl (the busboy) some of the naked pictures I took of her when we dated a few years back.

I forgot to mention that I had dated her for 5 months in 2003. She actually got me this job. But soon after we started working together our relationship started to fall apart. She claimed that I hit on some of the female customers and that I was disrespectful to her position in the restaurant just because I was her boyfriend. It's not that I wanted special treatment from her in the workplace, but I think she was extra hard on me just because she didn't want the other employees to think she was favoring me. When I finally ended our relationship she broke down in tears and begged me not to dump her...but she came to terms with it pretty well- especially after she found out that I had been boinking the new hostess, Wanda. I just hope she never thinks to tell Wanda's fiance about it- because that dude is huge and has anger problems. I think he could kill me.

I think our relationship was doomed from the beginning because she was so much older than me. She thought that she could boss me around and keep me from cheating on her. Well guess what? I'm my own man. Nobody tells me what to do. Oooh speaking of which I have to be at work in 5 minutes... shit.

alarming

Finished another day. Worthless. I have no desire to see anyone for a while. I need a good dose of alone time. Sudden broad social activity has invaded my familiarity with solitude. Sudden social activity- awkward and somehow more isolating. I just can't see the good in things right now. I don't know what my problem is. I need a good solid beating.

temp job

It's come to my attention that I could be tried as an adult if I were ever to be prosecuted for some reason. I don't feel like an adult. I feel like a teenager. When I was a teenager I felt like a little kid. I've got reverse alzheimer's disease. .. and erectile dysfunction. Wait, scratch that last one, my erectile is working again.

I dislike the term "Crush" as in "I have a 'crush' on so-and-so." It just sounds so girly. I guess that makes it ok for girls to use it in their everyday speech. So very tired.

West Bound with my Strikes

Uhhhh, Hello. This is Sal Melello from the Mellelo Coffe Company out by Costco, and I was just returning your call. I heard you were interested in working on weekends up at our downtown store. Well, it just so happens that I can't use anybody else there right nooowwww. However, I could use someone to work at the Library Stand on weekends. We just opened a few months ago and we're still working out the kinks, but I need a few more people to get on board as business picks up this winter. So, if you're interested, just give me a call back here at the Central Point store or stop in on Tuesday at the City Library. I'll be there from 8:00AM til 6:ooPM. Thaaaannnnks.

paranoia

I am under the impression that right now, as I type this, there are two or more people laughing at me or making jokes at my expense. Is this irrational? Maybe. But what if it's true? What if I'm the butt of jokes? If I go along thinking that everything's fine, and that no one is poking fun at me, then that will just make things worse. They'll laugh harder and longer and I'll still be clueless. Someday the massive joke conspiracy against me will be exposed- which, in turn, will cause my untimely death. Death from humiliation.

Screenplay

Rachel: (Smug) Well Hello... I thought you were never coming back.

Mark: (Apologetic) I thought so too. Rachel, I've been a fool... A fool for leaving you.

Rachel: So now you expect me to forgive you for everything you've done just because you walked through that door and apologized?

Mark: (Confused) Well, I uh-

Rachel: (Angry) No, Mark. I'm not letting you back in. This will continue to happen and I can't take that. I don't think you will EVER change.

Mark: (Even more confused) But Darlin'... I HAVE changed. I realized a few things out on the road. I needed some time to clear my head- to figure a few things out.

Rachel: You know what? I don't CARE! You had your chance, and you WASTED it. I won't let you destroy whats left of my life. I need to move on.

Mark: (Explodes with rage) FINE, BITCH! I tried goddamnit. I tried to fix things. You'll be sorry! (Slams the door as he leaves)

Rachel: (Distraught- In between sobbing) What have I done?

.....to be continued...

YMCA

There are several characters at the YMCA that really get on my nerves. First and foremost on my list is the old guy who wears tiny little spandex shorts. He is there, without fail, everytime I go. He runs around the track as fast as his feeble old legs will take him. He has a really high pitched voice- tainted by a ridiculous southern accent. The only reason I know this is because every once in a while my mp3 player will run low on batteries and leave me naked to the sounds of the gym.

My greatest problem with this guy, of course, is the fact that he wears tiny little spandex shorts. They are essentially briefs. If you ever watched WWF wrestling back in its heyday- Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Junkyard Dog, etc... you would recognize his shorts as being "Wrestlers' Undies". This is completely unacceptable. Everytime I see him I convince myself a little more to hate him.

Second on my list is a crippled guy who I think might be a trainer of some sort. He rolls around in a go-cart and gets up every now and then to hobble around and get in someone's face to tell them how to lift weights properly. He is a large man with a buzz-cut. He wears glasses and most days he wears really high socks of different color, green on one side, red on the other. In one arm he has a crutch with a forearm brace that he uses to support himself as he hobbles around. His legs are crippled- specifically the right one (I think). I often wonder if he once was a successful bodybuilder who was tragically crushed in some accident. But if you ever hear him talk or interact with people, you might guess he has some sort of crippling disease (he sounds borderline retarded). Why is this guy on my shitlist? Again, he's always there, and you know what they say, "Familiarity breeds contempt." Also, one time I was using the leg press machine and he came up and scolded me for not letting people get on in between sets during peak hours. It really pissed me off for some reason.

Finally (actually there are more but for this entry I will only discuss 3) there is the lady that walks on the good treadmill. This lady has an infant daughter (or son) whom she drops off at the little daycare facility inside the YMCA before she proceeds to hog the good treadmill. The worst thing of all is that she WALKS on it. No running, occaisionally a slight jog, but that is very rare. Normally this would only make me moderately angry, but seeing as there is only ONE treadmill of this type in the entire complex, it really annoys me. She reminds me of the red-haired girl from "Sex in the City." She is fatter and uglier, but just as snooty and self-important as the character in the show. Just looking at this lady makes me tingle with hate.

There. I feel better now.

Nobody Loves me but my Mother

...and sometimes I think she could be jiving too.

I don't want to see "Ocean's Twelve"

Am I the only person who doesn't like Julia Roberts, George Clooney, and Matt Damon? I saw "Ocean's 11", and it was fine. It was unnessecarily stylish and narcissistic, but it was entertaining. But this was at a time (a year or so ago) when grossly overcasted heist movies weren't the standard.

Nowadays it's all heist movies. Slick hiest movies. Slick hiest movies with not just one big-time blockbuster star, but 4 or 5 or 10. They're all pretty much the same, too. Right down to the "Crazy Twist" at the end. Even the twist is completely predictable. Ooooh there's a double cross! Uh OH! But Clooney had a trick up his sleeve.. Marvelous! Give me a MFing break.

Up Yours Hollywood!