SICK

Life Imitates Art

4th of July

Like most good Americans I spent Independence Day eating and drinking stuff. I took time to reflect on my own independence- i.e. celebrating the fact that I don't need my mom to drive me around anymore.

Feeling unusually patriotic I decided to settle down and watch a movie. By some inexplicable miracle the Gods steered me towards the new Rambo movie. Now, I won't say it was the best movie I've ever seen, but I won't say it wasn't the best movie I've ever seen.

Too Cool for Mule

This girl is going to s*** a brick when her friends tell her its a donkey, not a pony. Happy Birthday!

Movie Ideas

DOUBLE STANDARD: It's a crime drama comedy. A craahmedy. Ricki and Jake Standard are tough-talking law-enforcing brothers who re-unite after their father's death to bring his murderer to justice. Did I mention that they are huge hypocrites?

FRIENDS- THE MOVIE: Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are all back together, only this time its on the big screen. Phoebe is having a destination wedding in Malaysia and everyone is making the trip to witness her nuptials. Drama ensues as Monica and Rachel quarrel over who gets to be Maid of Honor. Ross struggles to make it to the wedding after being mistakenly arrested for vandalism, and the airlines lose Chandler's luggage. Will Phoebe say "I do"? Will Ross make it in time for the wedding? How many local Malaysian girls will Joey score with? (I guarantee this movie would make a billion dollars on its opening weekend)

BABY MAMA: A successful business woman is running out of time and out of luck when it comes to marriage and family. She seeks out a young, wacky pregnant girl who wants to give up her baby for adop... Oh crap, its already been made.

I ruined his joke...

My favorite work friend approached me in his usually creepy way yesterday and with a doodoo-eating grin on his face and one hand down his pants he tried to tell me a joke.

"What's the leading cause of pedophilia?" He asked.

"Well, I personally believe that most pedophiles were abused as children and the psychology of someone who is abused is such that they are compelled to continue the cycle of violence and abuse towards others. Somehow this alleviates the horror of their own experiences that they deal with on a day-to-day basis."

His grin turned into a look of confusion. "Well, actually the leading cause of pedophilia is Sexy Children."

"Interestingly enough, that is a valid point." I responded. "There seems to have been a recent trend over the years to sexualize our nations children. If you take a look at a typical children's show these days you'll see thirteen and fourteen year old girls dressing like professional sex workers. Kids watch these shows and then young girls feel compelled to try and look sexy when that should be the farthest thing from their mind...at least until they reach high school."

"You ruined my joke!" He said, and stormed off in tears.

Party in my pants

"How old do you think I am" she asked.

"I would venture to guess 25..."

"Aww how sweet"

"I aimed low. I always aim low."

"Well at least you aim"

"I aim to please"

"Well, so far you've missed"

"Ohh snap"

I want to punch you

I want to punch you right in the face. Punch your lights out.

Proud to be a Wiccan

I will use this blog post to invent some new appetizer dishes for Chilis, Applebees, TGI Fridays or Bennigan's- whoever wants to pay me. Here goes nuthin'.

1) Sexy Spanish Ravioli: Ravioli filled with Spanish Rice and coated with panco bread crumbs and fried in olive oil. Sexy!

2) BLT Spring Rolls: Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato and Mayonaisse wrapped up in rice paper and garnished with mint leaves and daikon sprouts. It's an American twist on an Asian Classic!

3) Buffalo Chicken Philly Cheesesteak: A Hoagie Roll filled to the brim with Buffalo Chicken wings, topped with loads of melted American and Provolone cheese, and served with a stick of celery and bleu cheese dressing. It's a Working Class culture Clash!

Thats all for now. Tune in next week for a receipe for Eggseroneous. Happy Cooking!

Just out of reach

No one ever gets what they want. But everyone wants what they can't have. The secret to life is just making do with what you've got until you die.

Take off that petticoat and dance for me...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1) Your dry, leathery skin.
2) Your frozen botox smile.
3) The large gap between your giant, fake breasts.
4) The cute way you trip in your high heels when you're drunk.
5) The way you swear in public.
6) Your cigarette-flavored kisses.

We are leopard-skin-printed soulmates

apathy

Gas prices are high, the housing market is failing, death toll rises in the Middle East... blah blah blah. I wonder what's for dinner tonight. Did I remember to pay off my credit card this month? Who's going to give me a ride to the airport next week? Will I ever find true love? Where will I be working in 5 years? Do I have a small wiener? Does my boss secretly hate me? Do I need a haircut? I should probably make a Dentist Appointment. I'm going to lose some weight this Summer. ... KABOOM!

I'm no good at...

1) Making prolonged eye contact
2) Talking on the phone for more than 10 minutes
3) Making someone feel better in the wake of tragedy
4) Telling stories
5) Staying awake past 10:00PM while watching TV or Movies
6) Controlling level of sarcasm
7) Holding a conversation amidst loud music
8) Leaving a party without feeling awkward
9) Playing guitar and singing

An Open Letter to the Man Who Insists upon Touching my Leg on the Bus

Dear Man who insists upon touching my leg on the bus,

I realize that the bus is crowded, and that you are forced to stand. I've been there, and its uncomfortable. However, do you not realize that I am sitting next to an obese gentleman and cannot help but stick my leg out into the aisle more than usual? I know there is room enough for you to move up just a tad, and not rub my leg every time the bus jolts forward. All I am asking is for you to respect my personal space.

Are you oblivious to the fact that you're touching my leg? Perhaps you think you're banging into a seat, or some other inanimate part of the bus. It's possible (but not likely) that you have a wooden leg, and therefore unable to sense contact.

You are desperately clinging to the pole in front of my seat, despite the fact that there is room in the back, and as more and more people get on the bus they have to violently squeeze by you in order to make room for more. Yet there you are, defending your territory like a pitbull or some other sort of territorial animal that should be put to sleep.

You look like the stereotypical child molester- with your average, pudgy, caucasian face, your supercuts hair, bomber jacket, and your glasses. That Indiglo Timex watch must come in handy when you're waiting in the shadows down by the schoolyard. I'm wondering why you aren't driving your windowless van to work today. It must be at the shop. I hate you and eveything you stand for.

I think you might be enjoying this. Its the only explanation I can think of. You got on the bus, saw me, and made a bee line for the pole in front of my seat so you can rub legs with me for 20 minutes. You make me sick.

How bad do you want it?

I watched the Today show last week for the first time in 7 years and I realized that presidential elections are only 10 months away. We're knee deep in primaries and the race is really getting hot. I decided to gear up by watching some debates. I found most of it interesting, despite the fact that I barely understand English. I decided to post some excerpts that I found particularly interesting.

CNN: Governor Romney, can you explain to us what your Mormon faith means to you?
Gov. Romney: It means that I can't watch R-rated movies and I can't drink coffee.
CNN: Do you find those rules hard to adhere to?
Gov. Romney: Not really, multiple wives can be very distracting.

Youtube: Senator Clinton, how are you going to reform the US Healthcare system to make sure that every American has Health Insurance?
Sen. Clinton: I will make Healthcare affordable for every American through the miracle of outsourcing. P.S. I hate America.

John Q. Public: Representative Kucinich, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Rep. Kucinich: Uhhh that would have to be my small body.

Matt Lauer: Governor Huckabee, are you worried that the movie "I (heart) Huckabees" will have an adverse affect on your campaign?
Gov. Huckabee: Yes, Matt. That movie sucked major bigtime. Also, I'd like to point out that I don't hate America, but I do hate Mexicans.

Effeminate Host: Miss Caitlin, recent polls have shown that 20% of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?
Miss Teen South Carolina: I personally believe the U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa or should help the Iraq and Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

I'm not really much of a politico, but I think I'm going to vote for ........ (drum roll please) ......... that's right, I'm voting for Senator Larry Craig. Don't ask why.

huh?

Consider the following word: "Amenorrhea"

Contrary to your immediate reaction, "Amenorrhea" is not a slang term used to describe the conditions suffered by someone who grandstands his or her Christianity for others to see. Shockingly, "Amenorrhea" is a medical condition in which a woman of reproductive age does not experience a menstrual period.

Advice for new money

If you're anything like me then you're not a rich man (or woman, or some sort of unholy combination of genders). But the beauty of living in a capitalistic society is that anyone can become stinking rich despite their upbringing, education level, or lack of desired physical features. Easy money comes from a variety of sources, including (but not limited to) State Lotteries, Lawsuits, Real Estate and of course Living on top of an oil reserve. If you're lucky enough to stumble into a large sum of unearned cash you may think that your troubles are over. The truth is, you have to learn to be rich.

Unless you win the Lottery or an unusually publicized settlement from a major corporation, odds are that no one will know that you're rich. Most rich folk advertise their wealth with purchases of lake houses, fancy cars, and anything made of Alpaca. You, however, need to fast-track yourself to the ranks of the well-to-do, and that is why I suggest you buy some billboard space and take out a full page ad in USA today. I'm thinking of something along the lines of you in a tuxedo (or evening gown, possibly with a tiara, I don't know) clutching some cash and giving a thumbs up. Possible headlines could read "I'm rich now" or "More Money than God" or even the slightly offensive "Up yours!".

Poor people are usually ugly. Well, actually, people are usually ugly (just going with the statistics here). Assuming you're ugly you might want to change that now, since you can afford it. Face lifts, tummy tucks, anal bleaching, whatever it takes. You're rich now, you want people to like you for your looks, not for your money.

Most uneducated, worthless people who fall into money lose it because they think they have an unlimited supply. This goes without saying, obviously, because those who cannot comprehend numbers beyond one thousand will reason that a few million is infinity. I highly recommend getting a financial manager. Keep in mind that you can't trust just any 'ole licensed, bonded financial manager with your millions of smackers. You need someone you can trust- someone you've known for a while. How about your stepfather?

There are two types of wealthy- Greedy and Lazy. You've never been greedy (thank God) so you're satisfied with simply having an infinite supply of money. You quit your job and you sleep 10 hours a day, which is a good start, but remember that there are 24 hours in a day. 24 minus 10 is, ummm, 14, and if you subtract time spent eating and drinking that leaves about, ohhh I'd say 5 hours with nothing to do. Why not spend some money on Jet Skis? While you're thinking about that I will write out a shopping list for your consideration:

1. Ski Boat
2. Hot Tub
3. Expensive Dogs. English Bulldogs are a good choice, as they are often born via C-Section ($$$)
4. Everything in SkyMall
5. Guns
   
6. Your very own Costco Store

The law is often an afterthought for obscenely wealthy humans. It stands to reason that with enough money you should be able to get away with anything. Examples of moneyed persons skirting common justice are plentiful, but buying your freedom is not a given. The best thing you can do is remain lawful. If you feel the need, the need for speed, then at least make sure you haven't been drinking, and possibly send your lawyer a text message before you get behind the wheel. This way your bail will have been posted by the time you are taken to the station. You'd be amazed at how much time simple planning can save you.

Surprisingly, the insanely rich often succumb to the lure of gambling. All of the pretty lights in Las Vegas can turn your piles of gold into multiple sub-prime mortgages. Why not set up your own casino? If you gamble against yourself you can't lose!

One final thought- Be creative. Everyone loves an eccentric rich person.

Christmas Card

Happy Holidays!
It's Thanksgiving once again and I am filled with holiday spirit. Like most of the country I'm sure you're out of town visiting relatives. Did bad weather or crowded airports affect your holiday travel at all?
I'm staying home this holiday season. The nutcracker suite is playing through my head as I sneak through your house looking for valuables.

Christmas Blues

I asked Santa to bring me true love this Christmas. He sighed and his face turned somber. "There is no such thing as true love" he said, and he stood up and motioned towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked. "Aren't you forgetting dessert?"

It was warm inside the cabin and Santa had consequently stripped down to a tank-top and boxer shorts. He did not immediately respond to my question as he was pulling on his red, furry jumper. "I should get going... I have a big day tomorrow." He tipped his hat to me and waddled out the door. I should have known better.

The next morning there was an email in my inbox with the subject "Moving on". Santa broke up with me.

Lay off me I'm starving

Ever since I was a little girl, I had always wanted a pony. Each year, as I celebrated New Years alone I realized that my dream was becoming less and less a reality. Coping is a unique human trait. Fortunately I learned to settle for what the sweet lord Jesus has provided for me thus far. My job, the clothes, the vacation house, and my cachet of meaningless physical relationships are enough to keep my mind off of that which is lacking in my life.

This morning I woke early (thank you daylight savings time) and as I watched the water in the bathtub drain I decided that today I would leave the house sans-underwear. Indian summers bring out the worst in me.

Therapy went by really fast today. We talked about my childhood pets. I used to have a canary named Beth, but someone decided to let her out of her cage when I was 7. Happy birthday to me.

At work I decided to go to lunch with my friend Stephanie. We both had pasta. During lunch we talked about our dream jobs, and men. After lunch we walked to Macy's and bought snowsuits.

At work we have a male receptionist named Evan. I wonder what he would look like wearing lipstick and a skirt.

Dumbledore - "I have always been gay."

The biggest news to hit the magic community since the Sorceror's Stone is sending shockwaves through wizards and muggles alike. Chamber of secrets? Not anymore. It's official, Dumbledore is gay. Sources close to Dumbledore say that they have known about his sexual orientation for a while, and that due to his increasingly flamboyant tendencies it was only a matter of time before the truth came out.

Officials speculate that this news will hurt enrollment at an already financially strapped Hogwarts Academy. If that weren't bad enough, alumni support is expected to drop to an all time low. Administrators have called an emergency meeting to discuss a plan of action. Unofficial word is that Hogwarts administration is planning to support Dumbledore in his decision to come out of the closet, although they are facing unknown results in what could be a crucial year for Wizard Academies.

Some sources have said that Dumbledore isn't actually gay. Rather, this announcement is a strategic move to position himself for a big payoff from Hogwarts in the event that he is unjustly fired. Citing alleged massive gambling debts and an addiction to barbituates, former accountant Ray Blackman believes Dumbledore is in serious financial trouble, and this is nothing more than a cry for help.

Recent polls across the Wizard community have indicated that a majority still do not approve of the homosexual lifestyle despite vast advances of the gay agenda in the Muggle world. If this is the case, Dumbledore may find himself a victim of ridicule, discrimination, and possibly hate crimes. No one knows what to expect in the coming months, but one thing is for sure- good or bad, Wizards everywhere will never be the same.

top nine reasons to give your life to Jesus

9 - Sinning isn't as fun as it used to be
8 - You're kind of ugly and dating is a real chore
7 - You don't like making life decisions
6 - You're uncomfortable wearing tight or revealing clothing
5 - You need another way (other than environmentalism) to make your friends feel inferior
4 - You think a Jesus fish would look good on your Camry
3 - You heard that religious girls are the most freaky
2 - Long hair and beards appeal to you more now than they did when you were younger
1 - You don't want to go to Hell

bark if you like me

Happy Valentines Day everybody.

Diaper Duty

At the onset of 2006 I changed my diaper. My diaper was dirty, and my butt was getting sore from walking around with a full load. I've been wearing this new diaper since March and its starting to get unbearable. This new diaper is a cheaper brand, which means it can't hold leaks as well as the old diaper. To give you an idea of the comparative qualities of the two diapers, the old diaper lasted 3 years whereas this new diaper is going to burst in half that.

So here I am, diaper getting full, and I have a decision to make. Do I powder up, put on a new diaper and continue to soil myself? Or do I try to potty-train with the hope that one day I will wear big-boy pants?

Save the date

New Years is around the corner and I'm already sending out invitations to my party. You play your cards right and you may just get one. Yesterday I started stocking up on supplies. My shopping list got a little out of control- see for yourself:

• Folding Chairs
• Fireworks
• Streamers
• Napkins featuring Adult-themed trivia
  
• Mistletoe "pills"
• Deli Tray
• Tape Cassette Player Machine
• Toilet Paper
• Hummus
• Piping Bag
• Potato Chips
• Ice Sculpture
• Zorro Mask
• New Jeans

There will be a $20 cover at the door. Did I mention there will be no alcohol?

Sensitive

Chuck: If you could go back in time to prevent the Holocaust, would you?

Larry: No.

Chuck: Are you kidding me? 6 million people died and you wouldn't try to stop it?

Larry: Ok then, I would.

Chuck: Really? How would you do it? One man against an army of Nazis? You wouldn't stand a chance!

Larry: What the hell do you want from me?

Sunday

I'm in Starbucks again. The same Starbucks that I spoke of yesterday. The retard behind the counter poured me some weak-ass coffee. The reason being, and I saw it coming, that he started it brewing and poured my cup shortly thereafter, which makes for a weak cup of coffee. I guess I'll get a refill. They're playing music in the background today… thank God.

I didn't do a Goddamn thing yesterday. I went back home after coffee and I watched TV and/or messed around on the internet for the remainder of the day. At one point I took an hour-long nap. At another point I ate an extra large pizza from Papa Johns. It was topped with tomatos and black olives. After the first two slices I began dumping crushed red peppers on it. I figured I needed to experience some pain while doing such a dastardly deed.

I watched the movie "Hulk" during yesterday's sloth-fest. It wasn't terrible. Ok, it was terrible.

I can't wait to take a dump… exercise my demons. I can feel the fires burning. I guess that was just a fart. I'm dirty. I haven't taken a shower since Friday morning. I like what I'm wearing. I live in such a small world. There is so much I don't know and I like that.

Saturday

I just yanked a bagel from my apartment complex and carried it in my coat pocket to Starbucks, where I am now eating it. It's pretty good, too. I think I'm on to something here.

Writing may be as good as talking- perhaps better. I've been a tad frustrated lately when I hang around by myself because I have no release. The only way I could think of to get release was to strike up a conversation with someone. That is all well and good, but sometimes that can be painful to initiate. Now that I've started writing again, I'm able to find release, and it puts me in such a mental state that I wouldn't feel the hunger pains of social interaction. Yes, I think I may be on to something here.

There aren't many people here. There are never many people at this Starbucks. I don't exactly know why, but it can't help to have some of the most sour, ungrateful and mean-looking employees working here. There is an older couple sitting to my left. I bet they're staying at the hotel Magnolia, which makes up for the vast majority of the building that houses this particular Starbucks. They were talking but now they've stopped. I think they were arguing a few minutes ago.

A crazy homeless man just walked in, swearing at some figment of his imagination. He set his dufflebag down below the table by the window facing Commerce street. The older couple are definitely staying at this hotel, as I was able to conclude from what she just said- "I'm going up to the room to get some Tylenol."

The crazy homeless man is busy rifling through his dufflebag. I don't think he ever got any coffee or anything. He must be seeking shelter.

This Starbucks should be really cool but it isn't. I don't know exactly what's missing. One thing that is bothering me is that there is no background music. This makes for an eerie backdrop of noise. It also makes the locale seem less alive.

The Crazy Homeless man just walked by and muttered "Tall motherfucker…" under his breath. I don't know if he was referring to me. After all, I am of modest height; but then again, he is crazy. It turns out he did get something. It looks like a Grande-sized drink and some sort of crumbly pastry. He drinks his coffee without a lid. In between sips he rubs his face violently with his hands. Yep, crazy.

As time passes I feel the urge to find a bathroom. The coffee is beginning to take form in my digestive system, or my intestines, err whatever. Luckily I live close to here. I should make this my official Starbucks, but I really don't like the people that work here.

Climbers

I hate climbers.

Crap Shoot

It's been in the news lately that blogging can get you fired- especially if you vent about your company, boss, and/or coworkers. Well, I'm going to throw caution to the wind and really let my feelings out...

My manager's really been riding my ass lately. "Old Lady Griswold" - I call her, even though she's only 34 and her last name is Perkins. She get's so upset over the smallest things- like when I poured ketchup into the deep-fat-fryer, or how I show up 15-20 minutes late for my shifts, or that time when I poured Mustard into the deep-fat-fryer. She calls me out in front of my colleagues and in front of customers. I swear, she has no tact. One time, when she caught me reading magazines in the deep freeze, she flipped! She actually threw a fork at me. I think she was trying to kill me. Since I am a pacifist, I didn't fight back- instead I just showed Carl (the busboy) some of the naked pictures I took of her when we dated a few years back.

I forgot to mention that I had dated her for 5 months in 2003. She actually got me this job. But soon after we started working together our relationship started to fall apart. She claimed that I hit on some of the female customers and that I was disrespectful to her position in the restaurant just because I was her boyfriend. It's not that I wanted special treatment from her in the workplace, but I think she was extra hard on me just because she didn't want the other employees to think she was favoring me. When I finally ended our relationship she broke down in tears and begged me not to dump her...but she came to terms with it pretty well- especially after she found out that I had been boinking the new hostess, Wanda. I just hope she never thinks to tell Wanda's fiance about it- because that dude is huge and has anger problems. I think he could kill me.

I think our relationship was doomed from the beginning because she was so much older than me. She thought that she could boss me around and keep me from cheating on her. Well guess what? I'm my own man. Nobody tells me what to do. Oooh speaking of which I have to be at work in 5 minutes... shit.

alarming

Finished another day. Worthless. I have no desire to see anyone for a while. I need a good dose of alone time. Sudden broad social activity has invaded my familiarity with solitude. Sudden social activity- awkward and somehow more isolating. I just can't see the good in things right now. I don't know what my problem is. I need a good solid beating.

temp job

It's come to my attention that I could be tried as an adult if I were ever to be prosecuted for some reason. I don't feel like an adult. I feel like a teenager. When I was a teenager I felt like a little kid. I've got reverse alzheimer's disease. .. and erectile dysfunction. Wait, scratch that last one, my erectile is working again.

I dislike the term "Crush" as in "I have a 'crush' on so-and-so." It just sounds so girly. I guess that makes it ok for girls to use it in their everyday speech. So very tired.

West Bound with my Strikes

Uhhhh, Hello. This is Sal Melello from the Mellelo Coffe Company out by Costco, and I was just returning your call. I heard you were interested in working on weekends up at our downtown store. Well, it just so happens that I can't use anybody else there right nooowwww. However, I could use someone to work at the Library Stand on weekends. We just opened a few months ago and we're still working out the kinks, but I need a few more people to get on board as business picks up this winter. So, if you're interested, just give me a call back here at the Central Point store or stop in on Tuesday at the City Library. I'll be there from 8:00AM til 6:ooPM. Thaaaannnnks.

paranoia

I am under the impression that right now, as I type this, there are two or more people laughing at me or making jokes at my expense. Is this irrational? Maybe. But what if it's true? What if I'm the butt of jokes? If I go along thinking that everything's fine, and that no one is poking fun at me, then that will just make things worse. They'll laugh harder and longer and I'll still be clueless. Someday the massive joke conspiracy against me will be exposed- which, in turn, will cause my untimely death. Death from humiliation.

Screenplay

Rachel: (Smug) Well Hello... I thought you were never coming back.

Mark: (Apologetic) I thought so too. Rachel, I've been a fool... A fool for leaving you.

Rachel: So now you expect me to forgive you for everything you've done just because you walked through that door and apologized?

Mark: (Confused) Well, I uh-

Rachel: (Angry) No, Mark. I'm not letting you back in. This will continue to happen and I can't take that. I don't think you will EVER change.

Mark: (Even more confused) But Darlin'... I HAVE changed. I realized a few things out on the road. I needed some time to clear my head- to figure a few things out.

Rachel: You know what? I don't CARE! You had your chance, and you WASTED it. I won't let you destroy whats left of my life. I need to move on.

Mark: (Explodes with rage) FINE, BITCH! I tried goddamnit. I tried to fix things. You'll be sorry! (Slams the door as he leaves)

Rachel: (Distraught- In between sobbing) What have I done?

.....to be continued...

YMCA

There are several characters at the YMCA that really get on my nerves. First and foremost on my list is the old guy who wears tiny little spandex shorts. He is there, without fail, everytime I go. He runs around the track as fast as his feeble old legs will take him. He has a really high pitched voice- tainted by a ridiculous southern accent. The only reason I know this is because every once in a while my mp3 player will run low on batteries and leave me naked to the sounds of the gym.

My greatest problem with this guy, of course, is the fact that he wears tiny little spandex shorts. They are essentially briefs. If you ever watched WWF wrestling back in its heyday- Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Junkyard Dog, etc... you would recognize his shorts as being "Wrestlers' Undies". This is completely unacceptable. Everytime I see him I convince myself a little more to hate him.

Second on my list is a crippled guy who I think might be a trainer of some sort. He rolls around in a go-cart and gets up every now and then to hobble around and get in someone's face to tell them how to lift weights properly. He is a large man with a buzz-cut. He wears glasses and most days he wears really high socks of different color, green on one side, red on the other. In one arm he has a crutch with a forearm brace that he uses to support himself as he hobbles around. His legs are crippled- specifically the right one (I think). I often wonder if he once was a successful bodybuilder who was tragically crushed in some accident. But if you ever hear him talk or interact with people, you might guess he has some sort of crippling disease (he sounds borderline retarded). Why is this guy on my shitlist? Again, he's always there, and you know what they say, "Familiarity breeds contempt." Also, one time I was using the leg press machine and he came up and scolded me for not letting people get on in between sets during peak hours. It really pissed me off for some reason.

Finally (actually there are more but for this entry I will only discuss 3) there is the lady that walks on the good treadmill. This lady has an infant daughter (or son) whom she drops off at the little daycare facility inside the YMCA before she proceeds to hog the good treadmill. The worst thing of all is that she WALKS on it. No running, occaisionally a slight jog, but that is very rare. Normally this would only make me moderately angry, but seeing as there is only ONE treadmill of this type in the entire complex, it really annoys me. She reminds me of the red-haired girl from "Sex in the City." She is fatter and uglier, but just as snooty and self-important as the character in the show. Just looking at this lady makes me tingle with hate.

There. I feel better now.

Nobody Loves me but my Mother

...and sometimes I think she could be jiving too.

I don't want to see "Ocean's Twelve"

Am I the only person who doesn't like Julia Roberts, George Clooney, and Matt Damon? I saw "Ocean's 11", and it was fine. It was unnessecarily stylish and narcissistic, but it was entertaining. But this was at a time (a year or so ago) when grossly overcasted heist movies weren't the standard.

Nowadays it's all heist movies. Slick hiest movies. Slick hiest movies with not just one big-time blockbuster star, but 4 or 5 or 10. They're all pretty much the same, too. Right down to the "Crazy Twist" at the end. Even the twist is completely predictable. Ooooh there's a double cross! Uh OH! But Clooney had a trick up his sleeve.. Marvelous! Give me a MFing break.

Up Yours Hollywood!

I Give Up

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls, Children of all ages.... It's official. I give up.

After years and years of trying- putting out more than a modest effort in most everything I do, I've finally realized that it's futile, pointless, and without meaning. From now on I will live a meek, dull, and joyless life without the highs and lows that come from excitement and adventure. My path henceforth will be straight, narrow, flat, and dry.

So good luck in all of your future endeavors and perhaps I'll see you on the other side.

Love,

Mustainefan

I Think I'm a Big Man

Looking around I see nothing but softies... People who can't hack it. Although I'm not really sure what "It" is, I'm sure we can all agree that not being able to hack "It" is a bad thing. Everyone around me is weak and buckle at even the slightest external pressure. I think I'm a big man.
I maintain a reckless sense of self confidence that sets me above my peers. Is your job really stressful right now? Are you being asked to do too much at the workplace? I bet I could handle it just fine. The holiday season is coming up... will you be able to afford all of the Christmas presents that you're obligated to buy? I can guarantee you that no one on my Christmas list is going to be disappointed.

Why am I better than you? It's all attitude, baby...

Awkward Non-Sexual Relationships

Awkward, non-sexual relationships are like a disease. Not a disease like rabies or breast cancer, but more like a disease of the mind...Alzheimer's if you will. They cripple you- and, over time, you deteriorate into a blathering fool who can't tell up from down, right from left, sweet from sour. They're addictive...and destructive.

We're all familiar with the stereotypical male-female relationship in which one party (usually the male) is using the other for sex or sexual favors. This happens all the time, and for the most part, as a society, we're OK with it.

The awkward non-sexual relationship has a similar setup- a standard male-female relationship, with one party using the other... But this time it's often the female using the male for "Non-sex", or "companionship" as you might guess.

The awkward non-sexual relationship starts off like a normal relationship might. And for the first few "non-dates" you might think to yourself, "This is going somewhere." Your non-dates consist of very wholesome activities, such as playing tennis, going bowling, watching movies, playing

board games and (even though you might not care to admit it) going on picnics. But as a normal relationship progresses from there, the awkward non-sexual relationship just festers...more and more board games, lame romantic comedies, and before you know it, even the thought of picnic food makes you sick to your stomach.

Now at this point the average reader might be thinking to him/herself... "What's wrong with going to movies and picnics? That sounds fun." The problem, my friend, is that an awkward non-sexual relationship monopolizes your time. That's where the "Awkward" part comes in.

You can easily have a non-sexual relationship and not feel the ill effects of an AWKWARD non-sexual relationship. The difference is the frequency of your outings. In a plain non-sexual relationship you don't see each other but maybe once or twice a week. Awkwardness is created by the persistence of time. The more and more time you spend together, the more comfortable you get. In turn, you start to think that sexual activities are fair game. And when it turns out you're wrong, you get frustrated.

Thus far it would seem that the awkward non-sexual relationship is only awkward and frustrating from the male point of view. This is definitely NOT the case. A lot of girls out there are stuck with deadbeat male friends who won't give it up. My powerful insight leads me to believe that there are two mutually exclusive sources for this- One, the dude is not attracted to the girl (i.e. she is a fat girl) or Two, he is a gayrod.

"OK, mustainefan, so now I know all about awkward non-sexual relationships, so what should I do?"
The answer is simple, my friend...CUT IT OFF NOW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP IT. You'll thank me later...

Thoughts for the Day

Let's see...whats in the news today...

Well, it looks like Liza Minelli is in trouble.....AGAIN! It appears that she is being sued for sexual harassment for damages totaling $100 million. Her former chauffer/bodyguard allegedly was forced to engage in sexual relations with the singer. And if that weren't enough, she allegedly beat him during extended periods of drunken rage. I hope he wins, too, because it will be hard to find another bodyguard gig once the word gets out that Liza Minelli kicked his ass.

Hmmm...what else....

I had a dream last night that I was back on the farm, and we (pops and I) were trying to load a bull into a livestock trailer in order to take it to the auction out in Central Point. The trailer that came to our house was this huge semi with giant wheels. It was so big, in fact, that I didn't think the bull would be able to get up there... While I was trying to think of a way to get the bull into the trailer, I woke from the dream and I really had to go to the bathroom.

Cram Session

	"Move into the light, my son..."
...Said the kindly old man.
	I wake up thirty years later. "I've come for your babies, maam."

I'm sick of fat girls

I've been thinking a lot lately. I have been trying to find the source of my complete lack of motivation and my loss of love for my fellow human being. I'm becoming more and more apathetic and have developed some real nasty anti-social tendencies. I've looked deep within my soul to see if there's something I'm missing. Did my parents deprive me of love and reassurance? Did they give me enough hugs? Nonsense! I was the recipient of a very loving childhood so that cannot be the source. It must be a current malady that takes away my will. As of today (and the recent past) I have not been engaging in the healthiest of activities... Perhaps I spend too much time alone, perhaps I watch too much TV, maybe I don't get out enough, it's even possible that I live in the wrong city. But given all of these externalities I think I've discovered a common theme that gives rise to my discontent... I'm sick of Fat Girls.

Fat Girls on the streets, Fat Girls at work, Fat Girls in restaurants, Fat Girls in bars, Fat Girls in my neighborhood (or so I hypothesize- I haven't really met too many of my neighbors)...so much fat. They walk around like nothing's wrong and then they smile at you like they think they have a chance of being your friend. I cannot bear to even look them in the face. It drains my power.

So often I hear a fat girl make rude remarks about thin girls... "That girl must throw up after every meal" or "Her family must have been too poor to feed her well" or "What a stupid, skinny bitch!" Their claim is that being thin is unnatural. Bullshit. Eating like a pig is unnatural. Exhibiting absolutely zero self-restraint is unnatural. Not engaging in physical activity is unnatural. Eating nothing but cheese and white bread is unnatural. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that one person can behave like someone else and expect to maintain a similar body type. Different people have to do different things. Some have to work harder than others. But the bottom line is- you can control it. I know, I used to be a fat guy.

Also, if you've ever been around a fat girl, I bet you've heard a million excuses for why they never exercise, or why they eat all the wrong foods... "I'm too busy" "I love queso too much" "I'm always too tired at the end of the day" "I'll start next week" You'll start nothing. All you do is talk. Talk talk talk talk. Shut your face.

I see all these fat girls everyday and they outnumber the thin girls 6 to 1. And the fact that they're fat makes the ratio look even worse. I have no reason to try and impress a fat girl, so consequently my motivation to dress nice, bathe, brush my teeth, get haircuts, and to engage in any other form of personal hygeine goes right down the drain. I've lost all hope.

My Saturday Night

"Dude, she's taken, but hey, no hard feelings, right? Here, have a shot on me..."

"Oh hi, my name is Kari... Yes I do love Phil Collins, I think he's great- in fact, my boyfriend and I just saw him in concert last month... You should meet some of my friends..."

"Hiiiiiiii Greg... do you like Chuy's? We just LOVE their Queso! HEY, we should go there next week..."

Necessity is the mother of invention

Mustainefan's Weekly Advice

Dear MustaineFan: I am in total love with a senior. Im a freshman. THe problem is he is totally not my type, My parents definatly would not aprove of him,and my parents wont let me date seniors. The problem isnt my parents though! Its me wodering why in the world do I like him??? I Cant help it though! It just happened. I have no classes with him and My friend sees him about 10 times a day and is fairly aquainted with him? He dosnt know im alive! how can I get him to notice me and If he ever does then my parents..........!!!! HELP!!!!!

Anxiously Yours,

Good Girl Gone Bad

MustaineFan: Dear Good Girl,

I appreciate your request for advice. Your question is a great set-up for many harsh insults, and I would LOVE to make the most of it. HOWEVER, I am no longer bitter, so I will tell you this- Just start dating that nerdy kid who hangs around you constantly, pretending to be your platonic best friend. Do something nice to someone else for a change.

Post-Euphoric Distress

Coming off an all-time high. I was dead and now I'm alive. I've been resurrected. Forget STDs...you can get in a worse funk just from spending a lot of time with a shitty girl. I'd rather it hurt when I pee than to have no will to live. I'm better now, though. My faith in humanity is back at a healthy 45%.

OGRE, OGRE

I had a dream last night that I was a proud ogre warrior (See Artist's Conception) from a mythical region of ancient Mesopotamia. It was odd because everyone knows that ogres aren't from Mesopotamia- they traditionally hail from Western European areas. Anyways, in my dream I came from Ancient Mesopotamia. I lived near a small village called Udell.



Now of course in those days ogres weren't allowed in the villages. They kept to the woods and roamed in small circles of four or five. Occasionally you might find a rogue ogre, or "ROGRE" (as they were affectionately called) carrying about by himself. In my dream I was a Rogre. However, as the ploit thickened I was forced to join up with the townsfolk of Udell to battle the Evil Wizard Lionel who had cast a spell upon the entire region of Wilpot. Udell was the largest town in all of Wilpot. The Evil Wizard Lionel's spell turned all of the men of Wilpot into Stone so he could ravish the countryside un-challenged. What he did not realize was that his spells would never affect ogres...but even if he had, he would not have cared because any given ogre would not be bothered if some wizard went around ravishing townsfolk. An ogre only cares about himself and perhaps a few other ogres.

It just so happens that I was a unique ogre in that I had fallen in love with a village girl named Rue. Rue was a milkmaid of common blood and she lived with her family in Udell on the lower west side, near the butcher shop. I know this because sometimes at night I would sneak into town and steal meat. The butcher always left his stable unlocked and you could get into the shop through the stable. I met Rue the night of my first meat robbery. She threatened to scream and wake the town. I told her if she didn't I would give her a sack of appleblossoms that I had found in someone's wagon. She agreed and I knew then that we were destined to be together- ogre and wife. Unfortunately I learned later that she was to be married to Trudeau, the son of Lord Fontane.

Trudeau was an Asshole. He was a notorious bastard about the town. So you could imagine my delight when I first heard about the Evil Wizard Lionel's Spell. I thought to my self, "Ha, that gayrod Trudeau is a big, stone, fucker right now, isn't he?" But when Rue told me of the grief and horror that Lionel's spell had brought, I had to do something....for her...even if it meant Trudeau would come back to life and marry her and have sex with her and make me so jealous...OOOHHHH!!!!!

Ellemenopee

Alrighty Boys and Girls. I haven't written an entry in quite some time now. I've been in hiding. "Hiding from what?" -you might ask. Hiding from my feelings. Yes, that's right, I have feelings. My most pre-dominant feeling is hunger. I'm hungry right now, in fact. I could really go for a pile of mexican food. Maybe some cornbread would do the trick. You see that little pie serving spatula-thingy up there in that picture? Look up... Yeah, I'm gonna slap your bare butt with that thing. Then we'll see who gets the remote control tonight.

Climbing Back Onto the Horse

Recovery is my greatest talent.  Life serves me a pile of shit, I eat it, get sick, and then I spend a few weeks nursing myself back to full health.  I do this without fail. 

 

 

Mattress Laaand

Perhaps I have the coffee jitters... maybe I'm suffering from lack of attention... I might have rabies. I'm an animal today. My appetites consume me, yet I'm stuck in my chair, in my cube, in the office, in the city.... I should be out in the woods, running around and attacking things like the animal I've become. I need to take and destroy at will. Why am I such a wussy?

Tidbits

Hungry Dog. Did you know that dogs eat more in the winter without gaining weight? They require the food due to the energy needed to keep warm in the winter.

Taken from "Dog Advice From Hobo the Bearded Collie"

finger

I woke up groggy, listened to "Rust In Peace" while I Brushed My Teeth.

I found $4 in my work pants. I wish I didn't have to wear pants to work. I want to wear shorts. I want to wear shorts and hooded sweatshirts. It's too hot to wear hooded sweatshirts though. But I always feel super cool with shorts and a hooded sweatshirt on.

Sqwank

Robble Robble.

"I (insert name) do solemnly swear to uphold the
office of head buttlicker"

"This town needs an enema!"

MOMENT of TRUTH

Hello boys and girls,

I want to take a moment now to get serious for a few minutes. I want to take the time to talk to you rather than at you. I am well aware that my readers expect a certain level of sincerity and I want you all to know that I love each and every one of you. When I say "love" I don't mean "Eros"- physical or romantic love, but rather "Phileo", or Brotherly Love.

You may have noticed a few reoccurring themes throughout this web log. First, do I have a fascination with retards? YES. I do. So what? I don't know exactly where it comes from. I do know it comes from one or all of several sources...

My first exposure to a retard occurred when I was in kindergarten. Back then (and maybe still now) the retards were educated alongside the normal kids. We ate lunch with them, we had recess with them. The retard that I remember most vividly from this time was a particularly agressive one. Kids are cruel to other kids, and they are even more so when those kids are retards. The normal kids would harass this retard mercilessly. Being as agressive as he naturally was, he would often lash out at them in defense of his honor, or in defense of the retarded girl that he clung to (or who clung to him).

In any case, he was a force to be reckoned with. He developed a reputation of being super strong. We didn't know how strong, but we weren't about to find out. I was scared of him- if for nothing else but the fact that you couldn't reason with a retard. I maintain that retards are super strong to this day because of my experiences in kindergarten.

Another retard of note from my life experience is Corky from the popular TV show "Life Goes On." I didn't like this show, one reason being that it was on Sunday nights, also because it was usually depressing, but mostly because it tackled "issues". However, because the show was so popular, it served as a great reference point for all retard jokes. For example, I would mimic Corky's voice often (I was not the only one) in making fun of other people...like, if someone dropped their notebook in the middle of class I might say, "My name is (insert name), I dropped my notebooooook..." in Corky's voice. It still gets laughs to this day.

I could go on and on about the various retards who have influenced me throughout my life, but the preceding two are the ones who made the most impact. Now that I've lost my train of thought and have run out of time, I will call it quits on this entry. Keep reading, and keep the e-mails coming.

Love,

MustaineFan

TIMELESS POETRY

My Brother, Mark Buttemucho, wrote this poem a few years ago. I believe it is a window into his soul...

retard

retard
standing on a building
walking up the panes of glass
reaching for the sky

maybe you think i am crazy
i am
i been walking this way for so long
i can't get any better
i am just trying to feel good

you see me living in the morning
so brilliant in the afternoon
nighttime comes and smashes the calm
time for rioting in the cafeterias
time to head to funkytown

there are people dancing in the streets
there are hotdogs all for sale
someone is taking down numbers
someone is stealing my chair

don't ask me any more questions
i am starting to feel sick
these feelings shouldn't be here
i locked them up so long ago

your latino bicycle has a flat tire
my tongue feels like its on fire
shave my head and paint me blue
i need to leave this dump
i need to get away from you

MustaineFan's Weekly Advice:

Dear MustaineFan: I am 17 and I like this guy who is 18 and is one of the managers where I work. I would say that he liked me butt there is one big problem that is in the way-his girlfriend of about 2 years, even though they are always in fights they remain together.He always flirts with me constantly. If I am upset about something he always knows even though my closest friend can never tell, and he always wants to know what's wrong and he tries everything that he can to make me laugh, no matter what it is. One day he called me Jessie and I hate being called that so I told him to call me Jessica because only certain people can call me Jessie and he pointed to my sister(she works there too) and I said know and he goes someone special and I said yes, and he goes can I? And I said no.And the next time he had to ask me to do something he started to call me Jessie but then he goes Jessica, then he asked me if I heard that and I said yes. Everyone thinks that I am super bitchy to him but I can't help it, I feel as though I have to be this way otherwise he will think that I like him which I don't want him to think, even though people have already told him. One morning when I was working and so was he some girl that was also working told him that he flirts to much with me and that I liked him and he said that she didn't know the whole story - well I don't even know the whole story I have no clue as to what he was talking about. I never get to see him except on weekends when I work and sometime not even then becuase we don't always work the same shifts and then I am sad. I guess you could say that we are friends and I am happy about that but I want to have more of a relationship. Another problem is that I am seeing this guy who lives 4 hours away for about 5 months now and I feel bad but I can't help it that I like this guy and that I have strong feelings for him. He always talks like we will get together and fool around sometime but we never do. One day he was like I stopped by your house the other night but you weren't home and I was going to ask you to come out and play (really he didn't) Another time he told me that he called that morning and the funny thing is someone really did call but they hung up but I don't know if it was him or not. I am so confused please help if you can it would be greatly appreciated.

Eagerly Yours,

Scatterbrain

MustaineFan: Dear Scatterbrain,

Are you sure you're not making this up? If a girl started rattling off some unintelligible crap like this to me I'd tell her to go play in the street. That said, what you should do is try this guy on for size. Invite him over while your parents are gone and give him a test drive- if you know what I mean. If there's chemistry, great, and if not it doesn't matter because NO OTHER MAN WILL HAVE YOU!