Thursday, May 28, 2009

Happy Birthday?

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" they all yelled, as Dana walked into her apartment. All her friends had gotten together and planned a surprise birthday party for her. Dana was pleased, except she secretly wished that they had chosen a different place in which to celebrate.

"I would have at least lured my friend to a restaurant or a bar or someone else's house if I were to plan a surprise birthday party" she thought to herself. "My apartment is so boring."

Dana's roommate, Clarice, was in charge of organizing the party, which included calling all of Dana's friends and her two sisters that lived in the city. She even invited two of Dana's ex-boyfriends, with whom Dana was still friendly. Dana was currently single, but she had been on a few dates over the last few months.

As she mingled through her group of friends and well-wishers, Dana noticed someone out of the corner of her eye whom she didn't recognize. He was short, pudgy, with brown hair and large square framed glasses. He had big rosy cheeks and an impish grin. He wore gray corduroy slacks and a red polo shirt with yellow stripes that was obviously too small, showing off his buddha belly. He was over in the corner by the book shelves, rifling through Dana's CD collection. Suddenly Dana's attention turned to the kitchen, as her best friend from childhood, Debby, whom she hadn't seen for YEARS popped out and Screamed "HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHICKEN DUMPLINGS" at the top of her lungs. "Chicken Dumplings" was the nickname given to Dana by Debby's mother when Dana and Debby were kids. Dana had been a chubby girl growing up until the summer after her sophmore year in High School.

The night went on and Dana had a wonderful time. She caught up with everyone and most people stayed until the wee hours of the night. At first she was worried since the party consisted of a calico of friends from different points in her life, that no one would have a good time and people would leave early accompanied by lame excuses. Fortunately this was NOT the case.

Finally the last two guests walked out the door; Jan and Keith. Jan and Dana both worked at the bank together and had become great friends when they realized that they lived a block away from each other. Jan's boyfriend, Keith, worked as an auditor for an accounting firm. Dana had always thought he was too interesting to be in his line of work.

As Dana shut the door, she realized that she was all alone in the apartment. Her roommate, Clarice, had left 15 minutes previous to drive some other guests home. They had a little too much to drink and she offered to give them a ride. Just then Dana remembered the odd-looking character she witnessed rummaging through her CD collection at the onset of the party. As she turned to walk towards the kitchen she looked up and there he was, impish grin and rosy cheeks.

"Hi Chicken Dumplings" he giggled in an eerie child's voice.

Dana shrieked in terror.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Hot Fun in the Summertime

I ring in the Summer time with Orange soda. It's what I do. These days its diet Orange Soda, and I'm a little slower and hairier than I used to be (see picture below)
but the feeling is generally the same as its always been. The smell of pool toys fills my nose as I walk down the aisle looking for summertime deals in my local superstore. Normally my default footwear has been the "thong". At least "thong" is what I grew up saying. It has since come to my attention that no one calls them "thongs" anymore, and that they are now referred to as "flip-flops", an onomatopoeic term that I find ugly and crude. Be that as it may, this Summer finds me wearing a slip-on summertime Croc (pictured below):Let us rejoice and be glad.